Cobbo Posted 14 December 2005 Share Posted 14 December 2005 Simon Hattenstone aka nobberWednesday December 14, 2005 The Guardian For the past six years he has ruined my Match of the Day with his crass asides, constant punning and shoulder-shrugging, face-collapsing, love-me love-me cheekiness. Now Gary Lineker has made a land-grab, colonised more TV territory, and it's giving me the heebie-jeebies. Whenever I look at him now I see the satanic Gary Lineker he played in his ever-so po-mo, ever-so ironic, ever-so lucrative campaign for Walkers Crisps. This series of commercials was based on the crazy conceit that Lineker, England's Mr Nice Guy, was actually a crisp-thieving bastard. How we laughed. After all, Lineker was the saviour of English football, England's second-top scorer with 48 goals, a family man with four sons, a footballer who had never been booked, let alone sent off, a free man of the city of Leicester, a fluent Spanish speaker, an altruist who tried to save Leicester City from the bankers. Amid the slurry of alcoholism and gambling addictions and spit-roastings that afflicted football, there was always the sane, safe outpost of England that remained forever Lineker. Lineker was sacrosanct, his name a byword for honest, decent and true. From football, he segued into his new career as a sports presenter - smooth, eloquent, mildly humorous, as wholesome as his football. But there was always something that annoyed me about him. He reminded me of Horrid Henry's brother Perfect Peter. While you couldn't help loving Henry for his horridness, you couldn't help hating Peter for his perfectness. And when it comes down to it, he's not so perfect after all. I know it's a considerable achievement to find a British footballer who can string a sentence together, but why can't Ian Wright (a genuinely funny man) or the brilliantly perceptive Alan Hansen or even squeaky Lawro host Match of the Day? I'd even take Barry Venison. So to Sunday's Sports Personality of the Year where Lineker, who hosted with Sue Barker, showed what he was made of. First, there was the punning. This is a typical sentence, about the FA Cup final. "United rued [cue picture of Ruud Van Nistelrooy] a whole host of missed chances! And then paid the ultimate penalty [Cue picture of Patrick Vieira's winning penalty kick]." Aaaaaaagh! This was followed by the most embarrassing interview ever - with Zara Phillips, the double gold winner at the European Eventing Championships and daughter of Princess Anne. Naturally, Lineker introduced her as a "worthy heir to her mother's crown!" and followed up with this cracking funny: "it would be great if you won an MBE because you'd get to meet the Queen!" He saved the best till last, when he handed back to Barker with the soon-to-be-legendary link line: "And now for some more posh totty . . . Sue!" I never thought I'd be defending the 11th in line to the throne, but how offensive is that? This event is laddish enough (banks of bored blokes, legs splayed, trousers bulging àla Shearer, picking noses, doubtless dreaming of totty triumphs to come) without Lineker's banal verbal gropings. Even the footballers present seemed shocked (admittedly not as shocked as when Barker quipped about keeping Gavin Henson out of Church). There were, needless to say, few women in the guest audience. On those rare occasions Lineker did introduce a woman one feared the worst: "And here's that nice lass who looks like a fella", "And a round of applause for the skinny bird who keeps shitting herself!" Well, not quite, but almost. At the end he spoke to the winner, Andrew Flintoff, in Pakistan via satellite. "I can tell you, your wife Rachael is here tonight. But don't worry, we'll look after her." I'm not sure what he meant by that - whether it was a wink-wink scenario or just another slab of patronising gumpf. Whatever, Rachael didn't look impressed. This Lineker was all of a piece with the footballer and crisp snatcher. Despite his phenomenal goal-scoring record, few kids aspired to being Gary Lineker. He didn't entertain us, he was just a snaffler of chances extraordinaire. And post-retirement, he has remained a supreme snaffler of chances. Football Focus? Yes please. Match of the Day? Why not? Sports Personality of the Year? I'll have that. Golf, TV ubiquity and a stonking new contract? Oh go on then. Lineker played his final international in 1992. Graham Taylor famously substituted him, denying him the chance to equal Bobby Charlton's record of 49 goals. At the time there was an outcry. But perhaps Taylor was just speaking for the nation. Perhaps he simply didn't want Charlton's record to go to a smug crisp snatcher like Lineker? http://sport.guardian.co.uk/columnists/sto...1666903,00.html How harsh is that? Someone's been wanting to get something off their chest for a while! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bernie Posted 14 December 2005 Share Posted 14 December 2005 what a fookin willy puller Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Solihullfox Posted 14 December 2005 Share Posted 14 December 2005 I really would like to meet this pillock, roll up The Grauniad and ram it up his smart arsed rectum. Feckwits like him demonstrate why so many successful people in this country despair of our press. Let's try and be denegrate somebody who has made something of their lives seems to be the pathetic attitude of Simon the toerag. Does he find time to make the readers aware of the amount of time Gary spends on his charity work, no he'd rather writ a pithy article that takes cheap shots at a nice bloke. Go feck yourself Simon you are a waste of space and newsprint. ****. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
john_lcfc Posted 14 December 2005 Share Posted 14 December 2005 what a fookin willy puller agree with you Bernie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lush Posted 14 December 2005 Share Posted 14 December 2005 Simon Hattenstone: I`ve just had a weird vision. Georgie Best's golden coffin is being carried to its final resting place by nine beautiful pall-bearers with hyperbolic sideburns....leaving the other free for a fag/ champagne flute/ betting slip/ comb/ Miss World/ keys to the soft-top Porsche. More disatisfaction with simple simon. March 2004. My Internet: Simon Hattenstone Simon Hattenstone is a journalist and author. His books include Out of It (Sceptre), a look back to three years in the 1970s when a debilitating illness transformed him from a bright and healthy nine-year-old into a bedridden invalid reduced to baby talk. NAME YOUR THREE FAVOURITE SITES....Official Man City website I suppose, although it causes a lot of pain. Hate to sound creepy, but I do go to the Guardian's website a lot. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SO BORED THAT YOU'VE 'GOOGLED' YOURSELF? God, yes! Don't even have to be bored to do it. Did a search on "Simon Hattenstone willy puller" the other day and quite a few came up. WHAT HAS BEEN YOUR MOST PLEASURABLE EXPERIENCE WHILST SEARCHING ONLINE? Well, it's not strictly a search, but someone sent me a site with a cartoon graphic of Man United's Ronaldo doing stepover after stepover after stepover and then tripping over himself. Lovely. He doesnt sound like a nice guy, which probably explains his "baby talk"... Someone did say about him "Ever since Simon Hattenstone suggested England have become too successful for their own good the national side has started losing again. Is he to blame? ...". But the link doesnt work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anish Posted 14 December 2005 Share Posted 14 December 2005 What a tosspot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
john_lcfc Posted 14 December 2005 Share Posted 14 December 2005 What a tosspot. who Lush or Simon Hattenstone or both Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marko Posted 14 December 2005 Share Posted 14 December 2005 The bloke seems like a class 'A' cockpiece. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scow Posted 14 December 2005 Share Posted 14 December 2005 who Lush or Simon Hattenstone or both Anish would be lieing if he said just the one. It was quite an amusing read I thought. Even Hattenstone couldn't fully justify his bitterness of Lineker. Some references to crisps was the best he could do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nationwider Posted 14 December 2005 Share Posted 14 December 2005 To be fair to Dame Gary, The Sports Personality of the Year is horrible television. It would be full of cliches and dubious gags with or without him. He only reads the autocue, at the end of the day. I hope Simon Hattenstone tunes into watch City-Spurs. Then he'll really see the man in his element! I think the moment when he lost me was when he described Alan Hansen as "brilliantly perceptive". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The People's Hero Posted 14 December 2005 Share Posted 14 December 2005 Yeah and also advocated Lawrenson's tv career in the same breath as dismissing Lineker's. WTF? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted 14 December 2005 Share Posted 14 December 2005 Ian Wright or Gary Lineker. Nuff said. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lcfcalan Posted 14 December 2005 Share Posted 14 December 2005 So ? Who did this Horrid Henry and Perfect Peter play for then ? Dont see them presenting MOTD do ya HUH ? HUH? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted 14 December 2005 Share Posted 14 December 2005 How can anyone dislike Sir Garold that much? hes completely inoffensive and a total legend! Jealousy - pure and simple! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cisono Posted 14 December 2005 Share Posted 14 December 2005 Is this guy looking for publicity by any chance? Perhaps he wanted to be a footballer but wasn't good enough! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chimp Posted 15 December 2005 Share Posted 15 December 2005 Normally I enjoy this kind of journalistic vitriol... but really, couldn't he of chosen a more deserving target? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BartonFox Posted 15 December 2005 Share Posted 15 December 2005 Ian Wright is not funny, and the fact the licence payers money is used to give him a salary is a topic much more worthy of newsprint. What that idiot (the tool writing that article) fails to grasp is that Gary's gags were pre written by some media graduate, although the Zara Phillip's line is up there with that penalty against Brazil Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gené and Tonic Posted 15 December 2005 Share Posted 15 December 2005 I'm going to burn his house down to the ground Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
werestandingup_weresittingdown Posted 15 December 2005 Share Posted 15 December 2005 oohhhhh gary gary, gary gary gary gary lineker!!!!! Legend. Guardian - shoite paper anyway read only by cardigan wearing geography teachers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Strokes Posted 15 December 2005 Share Posted 15 December 2005 What a KNOB Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robsdee Posted 15 December 2005 Share Posted 15 December 2005 The press in general must hate Gary - they have never had any dirt to dish where he's concerned, how annoying is that to them. Tough you parasites, he's a good guy and he's OURS so get stuffed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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