Divorce

[CrazyKopCorner]

I’ve been in a difficult marriage for years with someone with untreated BPD.

 

Things have come to ahead and I’ve had enough and want to start a new life starting with a divorce. 
 

If anyone has been through anything similar or can advise on divorce I’d really appreciate some help, 

[Tiny earl]

Won’t try and give personal advice, just to say try and work it out yourselves.

Solicitors are parasites and will cost you a fortune.

[Alf Bentley]

9 hours ago, Tiny earl said:

Won’t try and give personal advice, just to say try and work it out yourselves.

Solicitors are parasites and will cost you a fortune.

 

Strongly agree with both parts of this (partly inter-connected).

 

I got divorced 7-8 years ago. The solicitor's charge then was £20 + VAT per 6 minutes or part thereof. Thus....

- Brief email received and one-line response = £48 (2 x £24)

- One hour consultation (and solicitor dragged these out by slowly reading docs aloud): £240.....presumably higher now.

Our negotiations weren't particularly complex or contested, but cost thousands (at least £5-10k each, 7-8 years ago....I don't like to think about it too much!).

 

For reasons of cost and stress, it's infinitely better to keep things amicable. It costs a lot more if things get hostile - and massively more if it ends up in court.

One option, which we used, is mediation counselling - a neutral, mutually-agreed solicitor specialising in mediation chairs negotiating meetings between the 2 parties. For a few sessions, this cost us a few hundred quid, but not thousands. This is mediation over the terms of the divorce (children, property, money, maintenance etc.)

 

At least, there is now provision for mutually-agreed divorce, if you both agree to that. Unsure exactly how that works, as it didn't exist 7-8 years ago. As we hadn't separated for 2 years and there'd been no infidelity, we had to agree terms for one of us (me, being the gentleman ) to accept "unreasonable conduct". Should be easier for you now, hopefully, so long as you both agree to divorce...

 

Another point, from bitter personal experience: Watch out for meddling by family or friends of your spouse, seeking a better deal for them - happened to me and is common, I think. Likewise, best not to trust anyone too much, including your spouse, even if she's apparently being reasonable. Nothing is agreed until it's in legal writing....bitter experience, again.

 

Of course, there's always Relate marriage guidance meetings (not expensive), if you think the marriage could possibly be saved.

 

 

Edited 19 July 2025 by Alf Bentley

[Grebfromgrebland]

You can use an intermediary to draw up something legal as long as you can agree / negotiate the terms of your separation. It'll save you both loads of time and money and stress.

 

I would say that sometimes it's worth taking a little less than you think is fair or what you think you deserve if it brings things to a simple resolution and you can get in with your life. 

 

Once solicitors are working against each other they start a game back and forth wrangling which mostly seems unnecessary but earns them money and prolongs the situation.

 

I think you can still go to Cams or relate who can help you come to a separation agreement.

 

Try the links below as a starting point even if you haven't broached the topic with your wife yet.

 

amicable.io

 

https://www.familymediationcouncil.org.uk/find-local-mediator/

[CrazyKopCorner]

3 hours ago, Alf Bentley said:

 

Strongly agree with both parts of this (partly inter-connected).

 

I got divorced 7-8 years ago. The solicitor's charge then was £20 + VAT per 6 minutes or part thereof. Thus....

- Brief email received and one-line response = £48 (2 x £24)

- One hour consultation (and solicitor dragged these out by slowly reading docs aloud): £240.....presumably higher now.

Our negotiations weren't particularly complex or contested, but cost thousands (at least £5-10k each, 7-8 years ago....I don't like to think about it too much!).

 

For reasons of cost and stress, it's infinitely better to keep things amicable. It costs a lot more if things get hostile - and massively more if it ends up in court.

One option, which we used, is mediation counselling - a neutral, mutually-agreed solicitor specialising in mediation chairs negotiating meetings between the 2 parties. For a few sessions, this cost us a few hundred quid, but not thousands. This is mediation over the terms of the divorce (children, property, money, maintenance etc.)

 

At least, there is now provision for mutually-agreed divorce, if you both agree to that. Unsure exactly how that works, as it didn't exist 7-8 years ago. As we hadn't separated for 2 years and there'd been no infidelity, we had to agree terms for one of us (me, being the gentleman ) to accept "unreasonable conduct". Should be easier for you now, hopefully, so long as you both agree to divorce...

 

Another point, from bitter personal experience: Watch out for meddling by family or friends of your spouse, seeking a better deal for them - happened to me and is common, I think. Likewise, best not to trust anyone too much, including your spouse, even if she's apparently being reasonable. Nothing is agreed until it's in legal writing....bitter experience, again.

 

Of course, there's always Relate marriage guidance meetings (not expensive), if you think the marriage could possibly be saved.

 

 

Brilliant advise - thank you so much 

[CrazyKopCorner]

2 hours ago, Grebfromgrebland said:

You can use an intermediary to draw up something legal as long as you can agree / negotiate the terms of your separation. It'll save you both loads of time and money and stress.

 

I would say that sometimes it's worth taking a little less than you think is fair or what you think you deserve if it brings things to a simple resolution and you can get in with your life. 

 

Once solicitors are working against each other they start a game back and forth wrangling which mostly seems unnecessary but earns them money and prolongs the situation.

 

I think you can still go to Cams or relate who can help you come to a separation agreement.

 

Try the links below as a starting point even if you haven't broached the topic with your wife yet.

 

amicable.io

 

https://www.familymediationcouncil.org.uk/find-local-mediator/

Thank you for your brilliant advise. 

[FoxesDeb]

I have experienced both sides of this and can concur with what the other posters have said, the best thing you can do is try to agree on things between you as much as possible.

 

When my ex husband and I got divorced we agreed how to split things between us, he got something drawn up with a solicitor and this was submitted at the hearing, agreed by the judge, and it was all done for a couple of hundred pounds. 

 

When my now husband was divorced by his ex wife she insisted on both going through solicitors to speak to each other and they spent a small fortune between them,  they both ended up with pretty much what they both wanted anyway, it was such a waste of money for them, the only people who gained from it were the solicitors themselves.

[The Quick Brown Fox]

2 hours ago, FoxesDeb said:

I have experienced both sides of this and can concur with what the other posters have said, the best thing you can do is try to agree on things between you as much as possible.

 

When my ex husband and I got divorced we agreed how to split things between us, he got something drawn up with a solicitor and this was submitted at the hearing, agreed by the judge, and it was all done for a couple of hundred pounds. 

 

When my now husband was divorced by his ex wife she insisted on both going through solicitors to speak to each other and they spent a small fortune between them,  they both ended up with pretty much what they both wanted anyway, it was such a waste of money for them, the only people who gained from it were the solicitors themselves.

When my ex and I split, we sat and typed up a "desperation agreement" between ourselves, what I would pay for the kids, what she would pay me for the house, when is see the kids etc. everything was sorted. But then, it was amicable so that made it easier for both of us. 

Still had to pay the 600 quid and wait months for the divorce to go through though. 

 

But if you can, stay away from solicitors if you can. 

[Wasyls Pec Deck]

On 18/07/2025 at 21:06, CrazyKopCorner said:

I’ve been in a difficult marriage for years with someone with untreated BPD.

 

Things have come to ahead and I’ve had enough and want to start a new life starting with a divorce. 
 

If anyone has been through anything similar or can advise on divorce I’d really appreciate some help, 

Different context to yours, but 2.5 weeks ago my wife said she wanted to separate and yesterday she had an offer accepted on a house! Talk about speedy. We haven’t even started the divorce proceedings yet! However, it only took me 4-5 days to release she’s totally toxic - all the pieces were there but it took her to say she wanted to separate for me to begin to put all the pieces together.

 

It’s difficult, but echoing advice already given what I’ve been told is keep lawyers out of it. They are leeches and play on misery, and stay away from court. That’s what we are doing. We have kids involved sadly which complicates matters, do you? 
 

It’s a difficult time, but don’t feel you are being selfish by doing right by yourself. Also don’t feel guilty, I’m sure you’ve given it a good go 👍 

 

Let me know if you want to compare notes. I’ve spoken to loads of people - colleagues, friends and family and it really helps you make sense of things.

[FoxesDeb]

21 minutes ago, Wasyls Pec Deck said:

Different context to yours, but 2.5 weeks ago my wife said she wanted to separate and yesterday she had an offer accepted on a house! Talk about speedy. We haven’t even started the divorce proceedings yet! However, it only took me 4-5 days to release she’s totally toxic - all the pieces were there but it took her to say she wanted to separate for me to begin to put all the pieces together.

 

It’s difficult, but echoing advice already given what I’ve been told is keep lawyers out of it. They are leeches and play on misery, and stay away from court. That’s what we are doing. We have kids involved sadly which complicates matters, do you? 
 

It’s a difficult time, but don’t feel you are being selfish by doing right by yourself. Also don’t feel guilty, I’m sure you’ve given it a good go 👍 

 

Let me know if you want to compare notes. I’ve spoken to loads of people - colleagues, friends and family and it really helps you make sense of things.

That's rough, and I'm sorry to hear you're going through it. Yes children definitely complicate things, but my ex and I managed to also agree on access amicably so that side of things didn't need to go through the courts. 

 

Obviously everyone's situation is different but I really hope you can work things out, the courts really don't want to get involved with child arrangements unless they really have to, so hopefully you can agree it between you, for the sake of all of you 

[CrazyKopCorner]

34 minutes ago, Wasyls Pec Deck said:

Different context to yours, but 2.5 weeks ago my wife said she wanted to separate and yesterday she had an offer accepted on a house! Talk about speedy. We haven’t even started the divorce proceedings yet! However, it only took me 4-5 days to release she’s totally toxic - all the pieces were there but it took her to say she wanted to separate for me to begin to put all the pieces together.

 

It’s difficult, but echoing advice already given what I’ve been told is keep lawyers out of it. They are leeches and play on misery, and stay away from court. That’s what we are doing. We have kids involved sadly which complicates matters, do you? 
 

It’s a difficult time, but don’t feel you are being selfish by doing right by yourself. Also don’t feel guilty, I’m sure you’ve given it a good go 👍 

 

Let me know if you want to compare notes. I’ve spoken to loads of people - colleagues, friends and family and it really helps you make sense of things.

Great post - I’m really sorry to hear of your situation too. Yes I’ve got two kids too although they 23 and 20. Yes I’ll be pleased to compare notes. BPD and toxicity go hand in hand. 

[MaidstoneFox]

13 minutes ago, CrazyKopCorner said:

Great post - I’m really sorry to hear of your situation too. Yes I’ve got two kids too although they 23 and 20. Yes I’ll be pleased to compare notes. BPD and toxicity go hand in hand. 

Very much so. The further away in time I am from our separation, the more i realise how much I was holding everything together and how the abuse I was taking was actually unacceptable. Very good good advice offered above.

[Wasyls Pec Deck]

42 minutes ago, FoxesDeb said:

That's rough, and I'm sorry to hear you're going through it. Yes children definitely complicate things, but my ex and I managed to also agree on access amicably so that side of things didn't need to go through the courts. 

 

Obviously everyone's situation is different but I really hope you can work things out, the courts really don't want to get involved with child arrangements unless they really have to, so hopefully you can agree it between you, for the sake of all of you 

 

 

31 minutes ago, CrazyKopCorner said:

Great post - I’m really sorry to hear of your situation too. Yes I’ve got two kids too although they 23 and 20. Yes I’ll be pleased to compare notes. BPD and toxicity go hand in hand. 

Thanks! It’s pretty amicable. I am not rising to the constant comments and attempts to undermine me (a large part relates to her obsession around control). We don’t want to go through lawyers and courts, and we have agreed a lot in principle. She’s done it all before like a seasoned pro.

 

To be brief, the first time we discussed things constructively was 2.5 weeks ago. But I was told what was happening... Prior to that it was argumentative, confrontational and involved me getting verbally cornered (and a lot more) - not great for loving things forward constructively. We have a 7 year old daughter, and I find it incredible she wasn’t prepared to try and work things out for her if anything. I really despise her for that.

 

@CrazyKopCorner I was around your kids age when my parents separated for a bit. They got back together a few years later, but at the time I saw it very black and white and resented my dad for leaving. Not sure how you’re handling that side of things, but I think my dad was surprised how I took it - but he never really told me why. So my advice is have an open and honest conversation with them so they can understand. What I’ve realised from my current experience is that talking really helps to unpick and understand things. In my case, that has involved me going from being personally devastated to going full circle to seeing her for who she is in about a week. I have the benefit of being able to access psychologists and mental heath professionals through my work, but they can really help with thinking things through.

 

Relationships are hard, particularly in this day and age. 

Edited 19 July 2025 by Wasyls Pec Deck

[MaidstoneFox]

11 hours ago, Wasyls Pec Deck said:

 

 

Thanks! It’s pretty amicable. I am not rising to the constant comments and attempts to undermine me (a large part relates to her obsession around control). We don’t want to go through lawyers and courts, and we have agreed a lot in principle. She’s done it all before like a seasoned pro.

 

To be brief, the first time we discussed things constructively was 2.5 weeks ago. But I was told what was happening... Prior to that it was argumentative, confrontational and involved me getting verbally cornered (and a lot more) - not great for loving things forward constructively. We have a 7 year old daughter, and I find it incredible she wasn’t prepared to try and work things out for her if anything. I really despise her for that.

 

@CrazyKopCorner I was around your kids age when my parents separated for a bit. They got back together a few years later, but at the time I saw it very black and white and resented my dad for leaving. Not sure how you’re handling that side of things, but I think my dad was surprised how I took it - but he never really told me why. So my advice is have an open and honest conversation with them so they can understand. What I’ve realised from my current experience is that talking really helps to unpick and understand things. In my case, that has involved me going from being personally devastated to going full circle to seeing her for who she is in about a week. I have the benefit of being able to access psychologists and mental heath professionals through my work, but they can really help with thinking things through.

 

Relationships are hard, particularly in this day and age. 

I can relate to that. I feel so much less stressed now living apart and I'm allowed to relax. However, still have feelings of failure and shame attached to no longer being this archetypal family man, but I know this is something I need to shake off.

[st albans fox]

How do people suffering with BPD tend to cope with separation and divorce (over the longer term)?  Are there any studies ? 

[Wasyls Pec Deck]

18 hours ago, MaidstoneFox said:

I can relate to that. I feel so much less stressed now living apart and I'm allowed to relax. However, still have feelings of failure and shame attached to no longer being this archetypal family man, but I know this is something I need to shake off.

Yes it’s never easy to accept something hasn’t worked, but I think my outlook is why worry because it’s not all on you or me. Breakdowns of relationships and families involve many people, there are many complex moving parts even just between man and wife.

 

I’ve said to my wife that I’ve held my hands up to the surface level issues she is complaining about. But there are deeper things going on and she doesn’t acknowledge or accept them - even when I know they reflect patterns of behaviour from previous relationships and so on. In my case, so how things have panned out are not just my ‘faults’ but hers also. 

[Wasyls Pec Deck]

19 hours ago, st albans fox said:

How do people suffering with BPD tend to cope with separation and divorce (over the longer term)?  Are there any studies ? 

I’ve just done a google scholar search for ‘bipolar disorder divorce’ and seems to be lots of impact on relationships - marital and family. Interestingly one thing I did pick up was that divorce rates are 2 or 3 times higher for people with BPD.

[MaidstoneFox]

18 hours ago, Wasyls Pec Deck said:

Yes it’s never easy to accept something hasn’t worked, but I think my outlook is why worry because it’s not all on you or me. Breakdowns of relationships and families involve many people, there are many complex moving parts even just between man and wife.

 

I’ve said to my wife that I’ve held my hands up to the surface level issues she is complaining about. But there are deeper things going on and she doesn’t acknowledge or accept them - even when I know they reflect patterns of behaviour from previous relationships and so on. In my case, so how things have panned out are not just my ‘faults’ but hers also. 

Thanks that's a helpful way to look at things - lots of moving parts. In terms of the surface issues, it's common for people with BPD to amplify fairly ordinary matters, that pass everyone else by. My ex rather dramatically said our relationship suffered 'a death by a thousand cuts', but couldn't pinpoint what any of them were. It was just the build-up of feelings that these created.

[Wasyls Pec Deck]

On 21/07/2025 at 23:53, MaidstoneFox said:

Thanks that's a helpful way to look at things - lots of moving parts. In terms of the surface issues, it's common for people with BPD to amplify fairly ordinary matters, that pass everyone else by. My ex rather dramatically said our relationship suffered 'a death by a thousand cuts', but couldn't pinpoint what any of them were. It was just the build-up of feelings that these created.

Interesting… the more I read about BPD I’m starting to wonder whether my wife has it.