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Daggers

The joke thread

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A man went into his local and was moaning about his wife nagging him. Another of the regulars, a bloke named Big Arti, came up to him and said: "I could sort her out for you mate... Give me a quid and I'll do the deed."

"Brilliant" says the bloke, gives him a quid and tells him that she goes to Sainsbury's every day at 10am, is blonde and wears a red dress.

So the next morning, Big Arti goes to the local Sainsbury's at 10, and sure enough sees the blonde woman in a red dress and strangles her. Then, as he turns round, he sees another blonde in a red dress, and wanting to make sure he's got the right one, he strangles her too. As he is on the way out he amazingly sees another blonde in red, so strangles her as well to be 100% sure before hastily leaving.

The next morning the newspaper headlines read...

"BIG ARTI CHOKES 3 FOR A POUND IN SAINSBURY'S"

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One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up baked beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small roadside cafe and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the cafe and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released ALL the gas.

Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight!"

She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went

to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertiliser truck running over a skunk in front of a sewer plant. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage!!!

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologising for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not.

At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Paul McCartney is being interviewed about the break up of his marriage and the interviewer says " We are all very sorry to hear about the divorce , Paul , we thought you were a great couple . You're 61 now, tell me do you ever see yourself proposing marriage again, is there any chance you would be prepared to go down on one knee again?"

Paul replies " I think we should stick to calling her Heather"

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I had better get involved here...

What have forest and a dog a dinner time got in common....

They're both rooted to the foot of the table.....

I'll get me coat

I had better get involved here...

What have lcfc and a dog a dinner time got in common....

They're both rooted to the foot of the table.....

I'll get me coat

might be more apt in a couple of weeks!

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Rich Man, Poor Man & The Anniversaries!

A rich man and a poor man are discussing their pending wedding anniversaries. The poor man says to the rich man "So what you bought your wife this year, then?"

Rich man says "I bought her a Mercedes and a expensive pearl necklace"

Poor man says "Two gifts? Why two gifts?"

Rich man says "I figure if she don't like the necklace, she can hop in the car and take it back!"

"So what you getting your wife?" asks the rich man.

"Oh, I got her some slippers and a vibrator..." says the poor man

"... I figure if she don't like the slippers, she can go **** herself" ;)

Edited by lookwhaticando
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So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went

T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my

hand."

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best

Before End'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I

said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke

said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy

said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it

is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a

Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,

"You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his

name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put

it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and

on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I

wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I

said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this

is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin

paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.

It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said

"Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me

on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you

anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip

outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull

goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen

on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd

been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to

say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me

managing director & I went right off into a tree. The police came and

asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's so tiny you couldn't

swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the

shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've

been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the

splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays

or Thursdays."

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The

Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman

Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

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There's a cockerel and a cat, and they're stuck in a field of all old gone off corn, but there's a field next to them with all nice ripe corn, the only problem is in between is a massive river.

So the cat suggests they should try and get over to the good field, the cockerel agrees and flies over, landing easily in the field of good corn but the cat however tries a running jump but lands in the middle of the river.

And the moral of that story is, wherever there's a satisfied cock there's always a wet pussy.

Edited by bertfox
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Transcript from an inquest:

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.

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An office manager arrives at his department and sees an employee sitting behind his desk, totally stressed out.

He gives him the advice: "I went home every afternoon for two weeks and had myself pampered by my wife. It was fantastic, and it really helped; you should try it too!".

Two weeks later, when the manager arrives at his department, he sees the man happy and full of energy at his desk. The faxes are piling up, and the computer is running at full speed. "I see you followed my advice".

"I did", answers the employee. "It was great! By the way I didn't know you had such a nice house!".

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So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went

T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my

hand."

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best

Before End'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I

said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke

said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy

said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it

is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a

Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,

"You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his

name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put

it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and

on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I

wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I

said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this

is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin

paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.

It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said

"Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me

on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you

anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip

outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull

goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen

on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd

been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to

say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me

managing director & I went right off into a tree. The police came and

asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's so tiny you couldn't

swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the

shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've

been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the

splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays

or Thursdays."

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The

Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman

Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

:laugh:

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