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Daggers

The joke thread

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A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total write-off and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.

He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?", "Well," the friend replies, "you won't believe this but I ran over Cristiano Ronaldo".

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?", to which his friend replies, "Well, he tried to escape through the park.â€Â

Someone's been on Laugh FC. :D;)

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At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge Scouse bloke – 6 feet 5 inches tall and 350 lbs, proudly wearing his XXXXL Everton replica shirt.

He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After three or four beers, the gay man finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian.

Leaning over, he cups his huge ear: ‘Do you want a blow job?’ he whispers. At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar.

Finally, he leaves him, badly bruised in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing has happened. Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer. ‘I've never seen you react like that,’ he says. ‘Just what did he say to you?’

‘I'm not sure,’ the big Scouser replies. ‘Something about a job.’

lol Like that one :thumbup:

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Teddy Sheringham walks into a bakery and orders a loaf of bread.

The baker asks "How do you want it sliced?"

To which Teddy replies "Thick - just like my women"

Copied from Laugh FC :ph34r:

Haha, they put up that joke you told me when I rejigged it slightly and sent it in. Brilliant. It actually works better when you haven't said the people are gay but just imply it.

That one's dire, though.

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Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"

The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look". "fook me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"

Patient replies I've been fooked by an elephant".

The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".

Patient replies "He fingered me first".

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Three whores decide to see who has the biggest snatch. They get naked, and start fingering themselves and each other.

After a few minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves.

The second one then squats on the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger.

The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up, the first whore says, "You didn't leave an outline."

She says, "Smell the rim."

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Josh Mctavish was up in court for buggering his cat, the case was dismissed because the judge refused to believe a scotsman would put anthing into a kitty.

----------------------------------------------------

Bloke goes to doctors having problems with prem ejaculation is told when u feel yourself cummingive yourself a fright by firing a starter pistol in the air to prolong the sex. 2 days later the doctor sees him again and asks how it went. bloke says not good, i did a 69er then felt my self starting to cum, so i fired the gun, my wife shit on my face, bit my bell end off and the milk man came out of the wardrobe with his hands up

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Josh Mctavish was up in court for buggering his cat, the case was dismissed because the judge refused to believe a scotsman would put anthing into a kitty.

----------------------------------------------------

Bloke goes to doctors having problems with prem ejaculation is told when u feel yourself cummingive yourself a fright by firing a starter pistol in the air to prolong the sex. 2 days later the doctor sees him again and asks how it went. bloke says not good, i did a 69er then felt my self starting to cum, so i fired the gun, my wife shit on my face, bit my bell end off and the milk man came out of the wardrobe with his hands up

PMSL :D

The Arsenal squad are on a plane returning from a midweek Champions Legaue game. During the flight, the plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane, then yells, "If I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I’ve had plenty of relationships in my life, but no-one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman.

Then, Freddie Ljungberg stands up "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. The attractive Swede, well built, sparkling blue eyes and sexy smile approaches the woman slowly unbuttoning his shirt. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as he approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches towards her and he extends the arm holding his shirt to the woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

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Female dwarf goes to doctor and says her fannys sore. doc looks and says "pass me the scissors". After snipping away for a 4 mins he says "is that better"? Dwarf says "great what did you do"? doc says "i've just cut the top of your wellies!"

-----------------------------------------

Barbie has been banned from the toy cupboard. She kept sitting on pinocchios nose and telling him to tell lies

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A young girl confesses she's pregnant. "Bring me the pig who did this to you!" her mum screams. The girl quickly makes a phone call and soon after a Ferrari pulls up.

Out steps Italian superstar defender Paulo Maldini, handsome and impeccably dressed. He sits down in the living room. "Good afternoon," he greets the family. "Your daughter has told me of the situation. I'm unable to marry her but I'll take full responsibility. If it's a girl, I'll give her three shops, a town house in Milan, and a $1 million bank account. If it's a boy, my legacy will be a 4 homes, two in the UK and 2 in Italy and a $5 million account. If it's twins, 8 homes, 2 businesses and $3m each. However, if there's a miscarriage..."

The father, breaking his silence, places a hand on Maldini`s shoulder, "You'll pork her again, right???!!"

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At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of there bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man, your plane only went down yesterday!"

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Two old men go to an escort service house. The madam asks them what they want. They say women. She asks, "How old are you?" They say 90.

So she tells one of the girls to take them upstairs and put each of them in a room with a blow up doll. So they go upstairs and do their thing.

When they come back downstairs the first old man asks the other "How was it?" The other one says "I think she was dead, she just layed there, how was yours?"

"I think mine was a witch."

"A witch?"

"Yeah, I bit her on the tit, she farted and flew out the window."

:ph34r::ph34r::ph34r:

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When I was younger I hated going to weddings ... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, YOUR NEXT.

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent.

The doctor says, I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.

The next week the lady goes back. Doctor, she says, I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts although still silent stink terribly.

The doctor says, Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing.

ps. The only reason old people exist is too be laughed at.....

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A hat and two turds walk into a pub the hat asks the bloke behind the bar for three pints.

''No I'm sorry you can't''

''Why not?''

''Because you're off your head and your two mates are steaming''

:D:D

:ph34r:

Edited by Gist
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