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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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isaidno

isaidno

Posted
Posted

Steve McClaren phones Alex Ferguson to find out how to improve his training methods. "Dustbins" says Alex

. Position dustbins around the training pitch and get your players to pass the ball between them, dribble round them, chip the ball over them, it'll improve all round control". The next day Alex's phone rings. "Hi, it's Steve McClaren here. The dustbin's are winning 3-0. What do I do now?"

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fox123

fox123

Posted
Posted

First the whores now the Turkeys. The chances of getting a gobble in Suffolk is quite remote!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

NEWSFLASH!! An Irish family froze to death outside a theatre last night while waiting to see a play called...Closed for the Winter!

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Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

To coincide with the Leicester Comedy Festival the Foxestalk Comedy Festival starts here.

A Penquin goes into a bar. The barman says 'What can I get you?'

The penquin says 'I don't want a drink, I was wondering if you've seen my dad?'

The barman says 'I don't know, what does he look like?'

Mark the joke with smileys as below.

:D:D:D

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Sparky

Sparky

Posted
Posted (edited)

a ukrainian woman in a nightclub dancing away when the chelsea first team squad walk in . the woman whips off her top runs over to drogba and asks him to sign her right tit to which he duely abliges . she then sees lampard and asks him to sign her left tit to which frank agrees . she then approaches jose mourinho whips her pants off and asks mourinho to sign her fanny . "fook off" said mourinho "the last time i signed a ukrainian c-unt it cost me £30 million quid "

Edited by sparky
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lildave3

lildave3

Posted
Posted

a ukrainian woman in a nightclub dancing away when the chelsea first team squad walk in . the woman whips off her top runs over to drogba and asks him to sign her right tit to which he duely abliges . she then sees lampard and asks him to sign her left tit to which frank agrees . she then approaches jose mourinho whips her pants off and asks mourinho to sign her fanny . "fook off" said mourinho "the last time i signed a ukrainian c-unt it cost me £30 million quid "

I know a very similar one about Seba Veron. Woman on a beach sees Alex Ferguson and approaches him asking if he can sign her private parts. Fergie says: no way, the last time i signed a bald argentinian pussy it cost me 28 million. :D

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Geo V

Geo V

Posted
Posted

My wife's on holiday in the caribbean, Jamaica? No, she went of her own accord!

I got a few more of these... :)

My mum's on holiday in Indonesia. Jakarta? No she went on a plane.

And last year she went to Italy. Genoa? Of course I do, she's my mum.

:D

You should send them to Peter Kay mate, you`ll earna fortune!

Retired ex-England goalkeeper David Seaman, bored sh**less at home with the wife all day, decides to play golf every day in a bid to kill the boredom and decrease his handicap.

Monday he meets a stunner on a Par 3 and suggests they play the rest of the round together. She agrees, the match is tight and she wins on the last hole. She thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she had a really good time. "In fact," she says, "I'll show you my appreciation." They kiss and she ends up giving the pony tailed Yorkshireman a quick blow job.

Next day Big Dave spots her and away they go again. Another tight round of golf, her winning before they kiss and a quick thankyou BJ. This goes on all week.

On Friday he tells her he's had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned. Dinner for two followed by a night of passion at an expensive hotel. Surprisingly, she bursts into tears. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the truth. "You see," she says, "I'm sorry but I'm a transvestite." Seaman is absolutely fuming. "You ba**ard," he screams. "You fu**ing mongrel, you've been playing off the ladies tees all fu**ing week!!"

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Webbo

Webbo

Posted
Posted

You should send them to Peter Kay mate, you`ll earna fortune!

Retired ex-England goalkeeper David Seaman, bored sh**less at home with the wife all day, decides to play golf every day in a bid to kill the boredom and decrease his handicap.

Monday he meets a stunner on a Par 3 and suggests they play the rest of the round together. She agrees, the match is tight and she wins on the last hole. She thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she had a really good time. "In fact," she says, "I'll show you my appreciation." They kiss and she ends up giving the pony tailed Yorkshireman a quick blow job.

Next day Big Dave spots her and away they go again. Another tight round of golf, her winning before they kiss and a quick thankyou BJ. This goes on all week.

On Friday he tells her he's had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned. Dinner for two followed by a night of passion at an expensive hotel. Surprisingly, she bursts into tears. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the truth. "You see," she says, "I'm sorry but I'm a transvestite." Seaman is absolutely fuming. "You ba**ard," he screams. "You fu**ing mongrel, you've been playing off the ladies tees all fu**ing week!!"

not lol , but definately :D

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dhermon

dhermon

Posted
Posted

The Year's Best (actual) Headlines Of 2006:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

[hmm!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

[Do they ever read what they write?]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

[You think?!]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

[Who would have thought!]

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police

Suspect Homicide

[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

[He probably IS the battery charge]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

[Taste's like chicken???]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

[boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

[Did I read that sign right?]

:)

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lildave3

lildave3

Posted
Posted

The Year's Best (actual) Headlines Of 2006:

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

[hmm!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

[Do they ever read what they write?]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

[You think?!]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

[Who would have thought!]

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police

Suspect Homicide

[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

[He probably IS the battery charge]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

[Taste's like chicken???]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

[boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

[Did I read that sign right?]

:)

lol They can't all be real can they?

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Wycombe Fox

Wycombe Fox

Posted
Posted

It's the first day of term and the new teacher of a class of 5 year olds is very nervous, so to break the ice she says to the class "Hello everybody. I'm Miss Smith and I support Coventry City. Please raise your hand if you also support Coventry City. So every child in the class raises their hand.

All except one - a little girl called Mary.

Miss Smith says "Whats wrong? Why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I support Leicester City Miss and I'm very proud of it" says Mary.

"Why do you support Leicester City?" asks Miss Smith.

"Because my Mum and Dad are both from Leicester and they've both supported Leicester since they were little so thats why I support Leicester Miss"

A furious Miss Smith says "Just because your parents do something it doesn't mean that you have to do it also. Put it this way if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and a car thief what would that make you Mary?"

Mary smiles "A Coventry fan Miss!!!

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wazza fox

wazza fox

Posted
Posted

Arnold the Derby fan is walking his dog one day, when he sees an old lamp. He bends down to pick it up, and starts to rub it to clean it. Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, "I am the economy-price genie?" I grant but one wish". Arnold thinks for a while, and then says, "Make my dog Wanchope, win Crufts." The genie looks at Wanchope and says, "Don't be stupid, look at the thing. It's mangy, it's got fleas, it's got a bit missing from one eat it limps and it smells. I might be a genie, but I'm not a miracle worker." "All right then," says Arnold, "Make Derby County win the Premier League." The genie stops for a moment, then says, "Let's have another look at that dog again.

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wazza fox

wazza fox

Posted
Posted

1. Roy is 78 yards away from the referee at Old Trafford and David is 65 > yards away. If Roy can run at 21mph and Paul can run at 16mph, who will be sticking their vein-bulging forehead into the hapless whistler's face first, assuming Roy does not stop to stamp on an opponent on his way

2. If one minute of time is taken up in a game for substitutions and one minute for injuries, how much injury time will be added on by the referee if Man Utd are losing at home?

3. Ryan is a Welshman. Express, as a percentage, the number of internationals he has missed on a Wednesday evening compared to the miraculous recoveries he made for the following Saturday.

4. Phil Neville has 30 international caps. If you take away the number of appearances when he was the only adult male in England who could just about kick the ball with his left foot, how many are left?

6. You are the referee at Old Trafford. How near to a visiting defender does a tumbling United forward have to be to earn a penalty if he goes down in the box? (Note; Round your answers down to the nearest 20 yards.)

7. Mark "The Red" lives in Guildford. How much does it cost for him and his two sons to travel to the Theatre of Silence every other weekend, including limited edition matchday programme, a few drinks and prawn sandwiches all round? How much could he save per week if he watched his local team instead? (Note; round your answers down to the nearest thousand pounds).

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dhermon

dhermon

Posted
Posted

Reasons Why Women Are Like Soccer Pitches

1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play.

2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.

3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends, but one end per 45 minutes is favourable.

4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.

5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground.

6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.

7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley,also,never mention pitches previously visited. 8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.

9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact coroner.

10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back.

11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.

12. Always tread carefully when leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel.

13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.

14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.

15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie.

16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.

17. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.

18. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.

19. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week

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