davieG Posted 18 November 2013 Author Posted 18 November 2013 The Merc's version It started on the internet, a “How Northern Are You?’’ quiz which seemed to spread like a bushfire all over the worldwide web, infiltrating Facebook and Twitter accounts all over Leicestershire, despite it being largely irrelevant to the inhabitants of the Midlands’ finest county, who are neither northern nor southern. So, just in case you haven’t seen it or you were feeling left out – this is your quiz, a How Leicester Are You tester, which will tell you if you are a prop-or ohyorbeaut-eh resident or an imposter, meaning it’s time, perhaps, for you to move to Nottingham. There can be no harsher punishment. 1. You are returning from a holiday. On the long drive home you pass the “Welcome to Leicestershire’’ road sign. What is your response? a) There’s no reaction as your eyes are, quite rightly, fixed on the road. b) You note the sign and think, “not long nowâ€. c) You yell: “We’re back in... Leicestershire,†the whole car cheers, you sing “Leicestershire, la, la, laâ€, the kids join in because you have filled them with a bursting sense of civic pride, there are whoops, applause and possibly a jubilant parp or two on the car horn. 2. The phone rings. It’s Kelly Brook/Priyanka Chopra/George Clooney/Abhishek Bachchan (delete as appropriate) asking for some help removing their underthings. You tell them you will be round: a) “At once.†b) “Immediately.†c) “Straight the wayâ€. 3. Your friend rings to tell you a brilliant, critically-acclaimed, chart-topping rock band is coming to De Montfort Hall. Do you: a) Ring the box office at once. Tickets may still be available. b) Go on-line to book. It’s quicker that way. c) Give a short, hollow laugh. He’s winding you up again. 4. A planning application is submitted for the West End of Leicester. It involves the demolition of your favourite boozer and a rare Victorian monument which has come to define this part of town and is loved by all. In its place will be a sports hall for students. How do you react? a) Ring the Mercreh, get them to do a story on it. b) Start a Facebook protest page. Send out leaflets. It can’t be allowed to happen. c) Shrug your shoulders, accept the inevitable – it’s the ongoing creeping sprawl of De Montfort Uni. The council will pass it. Resistance is futile. 5. The eighth wonder of the world is: a) China’s Terracotta Army. b) Machu Picchu in Peru. c) The number of traffic lights on the Belgrave Road. 6. You are driving in the suburbs of Leicester when you miss your turning. Do you: a) Reverse into the nearest driveway and turn round. b) Reverse back to the nearest junction, and turn round. c) Plough on. It hasn’t been safe to reverse since you filled your rear windscreen with “Foxes Never Quit’’ and “Martin Must Stay’’ stickers. 7. You find yourself near a man who is repeatedly yelling, “Pahndamoosh eight-eh, inacarri-yorâ€. Where are you? a) Gdansk. b) Bedlam. c) Leicester market, of course. And ooh: that’s a bargain. 8. Richard III should be buried in... a) York. b) London, Westminster Abbey. c) Leicester, of course. There shouldn’t even be a debate about it. 9. Who is Malcolm Arcade? a) A speedy motorbike racer from the 1970s with lambchop sideburns b) A character from the sitcom On The Buses. c) A quirky little shopping thoroughfare just behind the market. 10. Diwali. What’s that? a) One of Bob Geldof’s daughters. b) An Indian town. c) The Hindu festival of light, which celebrates the return of Lord Rama and his wife Sita to their kingdom in Ayodhya. You pronounce the w as a v. Everyone learned that at school. Didn’t they? 11. You are sawing a piece of wood when the blade slips and you cut your finger. It hurts. What is your reaction? a) Put on a brave face. Get a plaster. Suffer in silence. b) Cry a bit. You don’t like the sight of blood. c) Shout: Ooohyorbleedoh-ooyorbuggor-oohyorfightor-oohyorrazzor, get in the car, head for the Infirmar-eh, queue for an hour down Havelock Street, give up, come home without seeing a doctor. 12. It’s New Year’s Eve. Do you...? a) Stay in, watch Jools’ Hootenanny with a few tinnies. b) Go to your local. Moan loudly and often because it takes so long to get served. c) Go into town, drink like a fish in The Market Tavern, Molly O’Grady’s and The Goose, head into Town Hall Square for midnight and climb to the top of the fountain shouting: “Nigel Pearson’s Blue and White Arm-eh.†13. The ringtone on your mobile is: a) The one it came with when you first opened the box. b) An allegedly humorous one you downloaded from the internet. c) Radio Leicester’s goal horn. At least it was until your phone was repossessed (along with your TV and car) for repeatedly redialling The X Factor hotline to vote for Sam Bailey. 14. On the way into Leicester, the traffic is nose-to-tail on the ring road. Your first thought is: a) Oh dear, there must have been an accident. I hope no-one is hurt. b) Hmmm. Britain really needs to address the underlying problems with its failing traffic infrastructure. c) Ah. The council must be digging up Burleys Way again. 15. What is a Chisit? a) A witch-dunking contraption, still in use in Derby in the first quarter of the 20th century. b) A small woodland bird with a strikingly drab morning song. c) Someone from Leicester. A nickname derived from the shopkeepers of Skegness, who claim Leicester folk with a gift for thrift reveal themselves by constantly chirrupping: Owmuchisit? Owmuchisit? while pointing at the shopkeeper’s wares. 16. You’ve been for a rare night out in Leicester. It’s 11pm. Do you: a) Move on to the next bar. The night is young, even if you’re not. b) Hail a cab, hang the expense. c) Put your collar up, dig your hands in your pockets, walk down Churchgate – frantically avoiding eye contact with everyone you see in case they want to fight you – to catch the last bus home from St Margaret’s (after nipping to the toilets – only to find they’ve been locked, early, again, so there’s a strong possibility you may wee yourself before you get home.) 17. It’s mid-morning. You are peckish. You fancy a salted potato snack. Do you: a) Show some restraint. It’s nearly dinner time after all. b) Pick any snack from the snack carousel. Any will do. c) It has to be Walkers crisps. Only Walkers. If they don’t have Walkers, then you won’t have any. You will go hungry. 18. What is the Pork pie roundabout? a) A figment of Lewis Carroll’s imagination. b) A line from The Beatles song, I Am The Walrus. c) A perpetually congested road traffic island near The Saff, and the place that made you sweat like Eric Pickles on a Spanish beach when you were learning to drive. 19. The supermarket labels it as a roll. What is it really? a) A bap. b) A breadcake. c) A cob. A cob.. IT’S A COB, for pity’s sake. And oddly brilliant with a samosa in it. 20. Nottingham is... * a) Irritatingly full of itself. b) Riddled with gun crime. c) Home to a football team which is nowhere near as significant as its deluded fans like to think. • If you answered mainly A or B – hello and welcome. You are new here. We hope you find your feet soon. Try not to embarrass yourself when asking directions to Belvoir Street. Mainly C: Oohyorfight-or. You are a real Leicest-or jester, a Blue Army-barmy dyed-in-the-wool Chisit. Celebrate with a big slab of Leicester red, a samosa, a Melton Mowbray pork pie and some cheese and onion Walkers crisps. Washed down with a pint of Tiger. * The correct answer to question 20, of course, is a, b and c. Read more: http://www.leicestermercury.co.uk/Quiz-Leicester/story-20094252-detail/story.html#ixzz2l1B96gfq
FoxesAreBlue Posted 18 November 2013 Posted 18 November 2013 Nottingham is full of shit, shit and bullshit.
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