urban.spaceman

Much, much better day today.

Oh my christ I could have been the 5th member of Mumford and Sons. Actually I'm probably better off.

I wish I could play the Ukulele or Banjo.

Fair point. I'll take the rest of the day off.

At the minute I'm a social carer but I've worked in retail before. Never had much confidence in much else mainly as my brain is hardwired for creativity which is why I did a screenwriting masters last year, and am trying to get into the creative industry, which has a worse structure than some of my scripts.

Hellish couple of days. Had to ask for an advance from UC, which they have granted, but have to pay it back out of any future payments or my wages over the course of a year. So have a little bit to tide me over for now. I have spent 3 whole days trying to get in touch with someone at the direct payments company I get my salary from for the care work, but they're ****ing impossible - nobody answers the phone at the Leicester (remote) branch on the first 2 goes then someone does pick up but they're from a completely different region. Turns out each of the regions have completely different systems which are all saying very different things than to what is on my pay slip about what I'm owed. I've explained that to about 4 different people but I'm stuck in a "I'll pass you on to..." loop then have to wait hours without any contact before trying to ring them again because nobody has called me back or emailed anything. Not a single bit of process made and I don't know where I stand or if I'll even get paid. Today (Wednesday) was the day they process the timesheets meaning that even if I do get it sorted out now, they'll refuse to pay me until next month because 'they'll get a fine'. So again, I'm back in Groundhog Day where I can't move forward, can't get any help, and I can't do anything about it. It's so stressful that I can't sleep or focus on anything, my entire body tenses up, and my back decides it wants in on the stress party and is just going to be as painful as ****. I'm so tired of living like this. On the other hand, my brain decides to reward me with a new film idea from start to finish, characters, plot, dialogue, everything, that takes me away from other stuff I've been writing but have struggled to continue working on because I should be focusing on finding some 'proper' work that is actually paid. Might just start an OnlyFans.

Charlie looks like he's gone to Madame Tussauds then wondering why the **** he went to Madame Tussauds.

And it turns out I won't be getting any UC because they deduct money from your payment per £250 of savings you have. Which isn't even my money and I can't access it as it's an informal 'trust' situation. Absolutely ****ed.

****ing

Morning. The Kangaroo's escaped.

Had to go back on UC a month or so ago after the financial chaos from the company that pays me for my carer work. They closed their Leicester branch last October, which has led to them messing up timesheets, meaning I get paid less, forgetting to send payslips, completely buggering up my holiday pay, refusing to pay me until the next payday because they’d get a fine from HMRC, and being generally impossible to contact about anything. So I ended up in an extremely tight situation which just keeps getting worse. As I’m going through a formal ADHD diagnosis (soon, I hope) I asked for a bit of extra help, and while it does feel I’m getting a bit more help (I apparently qualify as having a disability, so companies that sign up to Disability Confident can adapt and help employees with their needs, which has opened up a few things for me), it’s just moving at a seriously glacial pace. I have a meeting with them tomorrow on Zoom so hopefully they can help me ASAFP.

Honestly thrilled that Adolescence won so many Emmys last night. Not just for the various performances and the strength of the show itself, but I'm so happy for Stephen Graham and Hannah Walters who both co-produced it and in Graham's case co-wrote it. They started their own production company in the pandemic and started making their own stuff. Last night was a massive achievement for two of Leicestershire's finest

Wonderful start to the morning, yet another job rejection for a position that felt tailor made for me. Rejection sensitivity disorder has absolutely kicked in and it feels like the rest of the week is already a write off. Feels like I'm trying my hardest but there's only so much I can do. It's so ****ing draining.

Taking the day off was probably a good choice. To paraphrase my post above, try to identify what is triggering the anxiety/paranoia and day drinking and do what you can to shift focus away from that for now. Having a full on digital detox might help especially if it's related to the deeply troubling world we're living in right now (or at least avoid news and social media sites/get yourself banned from certain threads...); if it's personal stuff that could help too, just taking time out to re-centre your mind and body. The alcohol can be medicinal but can also be counterproductive if you're not careful. Try out @Muzzy_no7's recommendations too - sometimes I just do down to the gym and spend an hour on the treadmill with headphones on to drown out the world and stay offline. CBD is absolutely worth trying. I'm actively exploring legal medicinal THC as well which seems to be helping a lot of people.

The Samuel L Jackson 5

Made the mistake of watching this at home for the first time and didn't really appreciate it as much as I could have. A brilliant film,, with an absolutely stunning cast - Blunt, del Toro, Brolin, Bernthal and Kaluuya, all brilliant in whatever they're in. Rewatched Prisoners the other night. You can tell when a director is special by the choices they make. Everything from the shot composition, length, blocking, editing - all contribute to a film just feeling different. Villeneuve is an absolutely top, top tier filmmaker. A perfect choice for Bond.

10 years between pictures... As a Leicester boy he absolutely lived the dream.

And of course, Elon Musk.

Full match available to watch:

Really sorry to read this mate. It's SO ****ing easy to make destructive mistakes when you've been spiralling (believe me, this summer has been horrendous), and so, so hard to get back to yourself. To echo what AJ and HP said, this is an opportunity to put things right - if you can, try and take a couple of days off from it all - cut out anything that might be triggering negative behaviour or thoughts. Immerse yourself in something you know is positive, relaxing or peaceful - for me it's the cinema or rewatching films at home in the dark with my devices off and in another room, it just takes me out the 'world' for a few hours and frees me from whatever is going on. Hope you're able to find somewhere to live and fix your relationships mate. You can still turn this back around.

Ball to hand, hand in a natural position.

Happens to us all mate.