john_lcfc Posted 14 April 2006 Posted 14 April 2006 aim to post a joke a day and it will brighten up our days. il start. A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ... and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful, wonderful time. The! next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No," she replies......... "You just happened to catch my eye."
Rincewind Posted 14 April 2006 Posted 14 April 2006 So that's the standard set. An athiest and a preacher are two survivors of a shipwreck. For several days the preacher tells the athiest to have faith and God will rescue them. Well eventually a motor launch is spotted and the athiest quickly leaves the preacher. When asked if he was going too the preacher said, @No, I have faith in my God he will save me.' Anyway after another week or so with the drinking water so low that the preacher had resorted to drinking urine he came upon a coastline with a rocky face. Seeing no alternative he commenced climbing the rock. After struggling a few hours he heard a whirring sound Looking up he saw a helecoptor, @Do you need help?' shouted the pilot. 'No, I'll be fine, My God will save me.' So the coptor flew off. Eventually the preacher reached the top of the rocks only to be faced with a barren icy landscape. Shrugging his shoulders he struggled on. After a day he collapsed exhausted. Dozing, he heard the sound of dogs. Seing them slow dow he wearily raised a hand. 'Don't stop on my behalf my God will save me.' So the sleigh team passed him by. The preacher died a few hours later. At the gates of Heaven he was greeted by God. I'm not happy with you', the preacher says, all these years I prayed to you passed on your word and you abandon me when I need you most.' God looks at him and throws his hands in the air. 'Mama mia, give me strength, I do not believe it, I sent you a boat, a helecoptor and a frigging artic recue team what more did you want?'
filbertway Posted 14 April 2006 Posted 14 April 2006 So that's the standard set. An athiest and a preacher are two survivors of a shipwreck. For several days the preacher tells the athiest to have faith and God will rescue them. Well eventually a motor launch is spotted and the athiest quickly leaves the preacher. When asked if he was going too the preacher said, @No, I have faith in my God he will save me.' Anyway after another week or so with the drinking water so low that the preacher had resorted to drinking urine he came upon a coastline with a rocky face. Seeing no alternative he commenced climbing the rock. After struggling a few hours he heard a whirring sound Looking up he saw a helecoptor, @Do you need help?' shouted the pilot. 'No, I'll be fine, My God will save me.' So the coptor flew off. Eventually the preacher reached the top of the rocks only to be faced with a barren icy landscape. Shrugging his shoulders he struggled on. After a day he collapsed exhausted. Dozing, he heard the sound of dogs. Seing them slow dow he wearily raised a hand. 'Don't stop on my behalf my God will save me.' So the sleigh team passed him by. The preacher died a few hours later. At the gates of Heaven he was greeted by God. I'm not happy with you', the preacher says, all these years I prayed to you passed on your word and you abandon me when I need you most.' God looks at him and throws his hands in the air. 'Mama mia, give me strength, I do not believe it, I sent you a boat, a helecoptor and a frigging artic recue team what more did you want?' I never imagined god being Italian before
Alexikokopops Posted 14 April 2006 Posted 14 April 2006 A termite walks into a bar and asks "is the Bar tender here?"
macbeth Posted 14 April 2006 Posted 14 April 2006 a woman comes home from the pub with a diamond ring where did you get that says her husband she replies, in a raffle ; my ticket came up next night she comes home with a new fur coat where did you get that asks her husband she replies , in a raffle ; my ticket came up next night as she is getting ready to go out husband says ; do you want a bath yes says woman man puts about half inch of water in bath woman says ;why so little water man says YOU DONT WANT YOUR TICKET GETTING WET
Tommy Posted 14 April 2006 Posted 14 April 2006 ' date='Apr 14 2006, 05:33 PM' post='301906']A termite walks into a bar and asks "is the Bar tender here?" :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: . Love one liners
Muz Posted 14 April 2006 Posted 14 April 2006 What do you call a bird that gets out of breath? A Puffin.
Lemon Harpic Posted 14 April 2006 Posted 14 April 2006 A woman brought a very limp duck in to a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck. That'll be £150 please." "£150!", she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but it costs more because of the lab report and the cat scan"
The People's Hero Posted 14 April 2006 Posted 14 April 2006 A woman brought a very limp duck in to a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck. That'll be £150 please." "£150!", she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but it costs more because of the lab report and the cat scan" Very good
carl edmundson Posted 14 April 2006 Posted 14 April 2006 A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."
Bluefoxtim Posted 15 April 2006 Posted 15 April 2006 A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..." V.good
dhermon Posted 15 April 2006 Posted 15 April 2006 A man went to a zoo but all it had was a dog. It was a Shitzu.
Ultra Posted 15 April 2006 Posted 15 April 2006 A man went to a zoo but all it had was a dog. It was a Shitzu. Quality...
john_lcfc Posted 17 April 2006 Author Posted 17 April 2006 This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said.... FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS
Rincewind Posted 17 April 2006 Posted 17 April 2006 What did the nymphomaniac when her dog started licking her face? Down boy.
ooh Tommy Posted 18 April 2006 Posted 18 April 2006 Man and his wife decide to celebrate their 25th Anniversary at the local chinese restaurant. They order the house special chow mein. The meal arrives in a large pot with the lid on and is placed in the middle of the table. Whilst the happy couple are enjoying a drink, the lid lifts up on the pot and they both see a couple of eyes starring at them. Quickly the lid drops again. Waitor, says the husband. Something is inside this pot. We ordered the house special chow mein !!!! Oh says the waitor, sorry it was our mistake, you've got Peking Duck !!!
City Fan Posted 18 April 2006 Posted 18 April 2006 Man and his wife decide to celebrate their 25th Anniversary at the local chinese restaurant. They order the house special chow mein. The meal arrives in a large pot with the lid on and is placed in the middle of the table. Whilst the happy couple are enjoying a drink, the lid lifts up on the pot and they both see a couple of eyes starring at them. Quickly the lid drops again. Waitor, says the husband. Something is inside this pot. We ordered the house special chow mein !!!! Oh says the waitor, sorry it was our mistake, you've got Peking Duck !!! All the jokes I have heard, that one has to be the worst! No, seriously.......
Muz Posted 18 April 2006 Posted 18 April 2006 All the jokes I have heard, that one has to be the worst! No, seriously.......
1884 Posted 18 April 2006 Posted 18 April 2006 Knock Knock Who's there? Big Ish Big Ish Who? Not today thanks.
john_lcfc Posted 18 April 2006 Author Posted 18 April 2006 A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the motorway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The copper wound down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"
carl edmundson Posted 18 April 2006 Posted 18 April 2006 Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?' Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!' Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?' Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.' Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.' Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob
Rincewind Posted 18 April 2006 Posted 18 April 2006 Three men off Foxtalk were sleeping together in the same bed. In the morning they started discussing their dreams. The man on the right said 'I had a dream that I was getting a hand job,' The man on the left said, 'I had a dream that I was getting a hand job too.' Then the man in the middle said. 'That's really weird, I had a dream that I was skiing.'
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