The joke thread

[cambridgefox]

Got stung by a bee this morning.

£20 for a jar of honey!!

[General Smuts]

Apparently the headline this morning in The Sun that read 'Paedophile Wanted' wasn't a job advert. I thought I was on the shortlist as well. Turns out it was just a register.

Is it still paedophillia if you **** your inner child?

[Rincewind]

A Wife's Revenge: A wife arrived home and found her husband in bed with another woman. she drags him out of the house, into the tool shed in their back yard and put his penis in a vice. Securing it tightly and removing the handle, she then picked up a hacksaw. Terrified, her husband screamed, "Stop! Please! You aren't going to cut it off, are you?" Placing the saw in her husband's hand, the wife replied, "Of course not! I'm going to set fire to the shed. You do whatever you have to do!!

[General Smuts]

A Wife's Revenge: A wife arrived home and found her husband in bed with another woman. she drags him out of the house, into the tool shed in their back yard and put his penis in a vice. Securing it tightly and removing the handle, she then picked up a hacksaw. Terrified, her husband screamed, "Stop! Please! You aren't going to cut it off, are you?" Placing the saw in her husband's hand, the wife replied, "Of course not! I'm going to set fire to the shed. You do whatever you have to do!!

Put the handle back in and let himself out probably.

[Miquel The Work Geordie]

My girlfriend is the exact double of Adele.

40 stone.

[Libertine]

My girlfriend is the exact double of Adele.

40 stone.

[LCFC_FAN_1995]

"Guess she gave you things, I couldn't give to you"

-Adele

The last rolo perhaps?

I saw a bloke being completely henpecked by his girlfriend on The Jeremy Kyle Show.

You could really see who wears the tracksuit bottoms in their relationship.

What's long and hard and makes women groan?

An Ironing Board.

Edited 9 September 2011 by LCFC_FAN_1995

[Rincewind]

Not if she walked off with it or it was out of reach.

[StanSP]

An elderly man is stopped by police in the early hours of the morning and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies 'I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and being out late'. The policeman asks, 'Really? And who would be giving this lecture at this time of night?'

The man replies, 'that would be my wife'.

[FoxyPV]

My girlfriend is the exact double of Adele.

40 stone.

An elderly man is stopped by police in the early hours of the morning and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies 'I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and being out late'. The policeman asks, 'Really? And who would be giving this lecture at this time of night?'

The man replies, 'that would be my wife'.

[LCFC_FAN_1995]

How is Hurricane Katia like a typical woman?

She shows up all warm, wild and wet and the next thing you know she's taken the house and car, leaving you devastated.

[Rincewind]

Jesus

There was an Irishman, Australian and a Scouser istanding at the bar in a pub when they notice Jesus sitting in a corner seat on his own. So they all bought a drink and took it over to him.

When he had finished Jesus came over to them and shaking the Irishmans hands thanked him for the Guiness. 'Obegorra' he said 'I do believe my athritis has gone.'

Jesus went to the Australian and putting a hand on his Shoulder thanked him for the Fosters. 'Crikey, my bad back is as cured as a pound of ham'

Jesus starts to walk towards the Scouser who runs away screaming ' Feck off I'm on disability.'

[Bob Weasel Fox]

An elderly man is stopped by police in the early hours of the morning and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies 'I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and being out late'. The policeman asks, 'Really? And who would be giving this lecture at this time of night?'

The man replies, 'that would be my wife'.

[Miquel The Work Geordie]

I went round my mate's house yesterday and his kids were running round the house screaming.

He looked at me and said, "Don't ever have kids mate."

I said, "Hard work?"

He said, "No, you're an ugly cunt."

[Lcfcman2010]

I walked in to a Bar the other day and started cracking a joke about Coventry, when three guys got up and walked towards me.

The first guy said "Im 6ft 3" and weigh 300lbs, me mate here is 6ft 4" and weighs 350, and this man here is 6ft 5" and weighs 400lbs. Still wanna continue son?"

"No thanks," i replied "i dont want to tell the same joke 3 times

[General Smuts]

Anyone else celebrate on sunday with a lovely game of Jenga?

[General Smuts]

A man walked into a bar and ordered some H2O. His friend said 'that sounds good i'll have some H2O too,' That man died.

Edited 13 September 2011 by General Smuts

[gazfox9]

A German walks into a library and asks for a book on war. The librarian replies ''Fcuk off, you lost the last two''!!!

Edited 13 September 2011 by gazfox9

[Narborough_fox]

I can't afford an iPad so I got an iPatch instead. It's the pirate version.

[The Doctor]

A man walked into a bar and ordered some H2O. His friend said 'that sounds good i'll have some H2O too,' That man died.

Edited 13 September 2011 by LargeAl

[Bob Weasel Fox]

My daughter swallowed my phone today and got it stuck in her throat.

I could ring her bloody neck

[Bob Weasel Fox]

2 priests at a bucking bronco contest.

The first one last only 3 seconds

The second one lasts over 2 minutes and wins the contest.

The first one says to the second one "How did you manage that?"

The second one replies "One of my choirboys is epileptic"

[Bob Weasel Fox]

i asked the wife for some oral pleasure today

She said "Would you like me to suck you off?"

I replied "No i want you to shut the fvck up"

[Bob Weasel Fox]

im in hospital waiting for my daughters test results after she swallowed lots of lego.

Im not worried but she's shitting bricks

[The Doctor]

Why do chemists call helium, curium and barium the medical elements?

Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium!

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Why is potassium a racist element?

Because, when you put three of them together, you get KKK.

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A neutron walks into a restaurant and orders a couple of cokes. As she is about to leave, she asks the waiter how much she owes. The waiter replies, "For you, No Charge!!!"

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Why did the white bear dissolve in water?

Because it was polar.

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What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry faculties?

Methylated spirits.

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What is a cation afraid of?

A dogion.

Edited 14 September 2011 by LargeAl