The joke thread

[Tabou]

The Olympics are brilliant.

It's the only time you can watch a 14 year old in nothing but speedos and get away with it.

Edited 11 August 2008 by Tabou

[hairy]

[DB11]

What's the funny bit???

[Solihullfox]

What's the funny bit???

It's an Irish news item.

It refers to the troubles between Russia and Georgia.

The map shows Georgia, the state of Georgia in the United States.

Super journalism.

[hairy]

What's the funny bit???

[lookwhaticando]

lol

[Brainy]

:laugh: :laugh:

[Ultra]

It's an Irish news item.

It refers to the troubles between Russia and Georgia.

The map shows Georgia, the state of Georgia in the United States.

Super journalism.

Sky News did exactly the same thing...

SICK JOKE ALERT

In a recent survey asking Spanish tourists where they like to sleep on holiday, 90% said they prefered to just crash at the airport...

[Ultra]

Why did the US relay teams drop the baton at the Olympics?

Because they're not used to handling anything that doesn't have a trigger..

[l444ry]

Angry Blonde.

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a tall blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts to heckle him

"I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes, you little jerk," came the complaint. "What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?

"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person - because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large - all in the name of humor."

Flustered, not having ever encountered a heckler before, the young ventriloquist begins to apologize. But the blonde cuts him off: "You stay out of this Mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!!!

[Unabomber]

Britain's got gas.

[JakeShingler]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field.

The Englishman says "Look at that fine English cow."

The Irishman disagreed, saying "No, it's an Irish cow."

The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. "No, it's a Scottish cow - it's got bagpipes underneath!"

[DB11]

FACT

There has been a monthly average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theater of operations during the last 22 months and a total of 2,112 deaths. That gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers.

The firearm death rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000 persons for the same period.

That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in the U.S. Capital than you are in Iraq.

Conclusion: Maybe its time the U.S. pull out of Washington?

[hairy]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social

Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to

verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver

hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social

Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my

experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have

dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

************************************************** ******************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept

staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby

table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, She's my old

girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those

many years a go, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!'

says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

************************************************** ******************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and

slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just

get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't

believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at

me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started... .

[LoughboroughFox]

Was getting really bored with the chinese winning shed loads at the olympics and was wondering what they were not very good at, then i remembered!................................cockle picking!

[LoughboroughFox]

Paddys in pub tellin his mates about joinin the army, and his mates about his first parachute jump, paddy describes`we were about 30,000 feet up then 1 by 1 they started to jump, when it was my turn i couldnt jump-no way`

Then this huge black guy pulled out his huge 12" n cried, paddy if u dont **** jump i`ll stick this baby right up ur arse!

Paddys mate asked `well did you jump`

Paddy replied `just a bit when it first went in`!!

[the_bowman]

Three blind mice walk into a pub.

However, they are unaware of their surroundings, and so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.

(Shamefully stolen from Bill Bailey)

[General Smuts]

[Joe.]

[whitlock]

Gary Glitter has returned back to England with his new wife.

Madaline McCann.

[Fox You Forest]

[General Smuts]

Gary Glitter orders a pint of John Smiths from the bar but is refused service as its a no nonces beer.

[samingram_uk]

I was checking into a hotel the other week. At the counter, a guy in front of me said curtly to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel is disabled."

Unbelievable what some people are into.

[the_bowman]

Had a fight with my girlfriend the other night.

She asked "what's on the tv?"

I said "dust, clean it you silly bitch"

[mitch11]

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toliet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: 'Hello mate, how are you doing?'

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied 'Not too bad thanks.'

After a short pause, I heard the voice again 'So, what are you up to?'

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, 'Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?'

The next thing I heard him say was "sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some **** in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say.'