Libertine Posted 20 February 2009 Posted 20 February 2009 http://www.fmylife.com/ Today, the girl I love and I went to visit my parents out of state for the first time. My father grinned and acknowledged that she was a "keeper", at which she laughed and said we were "just friends". I was going to propose to her next week. FML Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML Today, I handed my PhD dissertation, which I have spent the past year researching and writing full-time. Last night, my roommate set an autocorrect on Word that changed "neither" to "nigger." I didn't notice until after I handed it in. My professor is black. FML Today, I woke up at 5 and studied for my 9:30am exam for 4 hours. When I left my dorm at 9, it was dark outside. Turns out I slept through the entire day and woke up at 5pm. FML Today, I was working the register at a local grocery store. A kid about 5 years old was having trouble zipping his jacket. I reached out to help him and he started screaming "No bad touch bad touch!" and kicked me in the knee. Everyone looked. FML Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some blue martians!" He looked at me and replied, "How about some blue shut the fook up!". FML Post others you find/your own.
Fosse Boy Posted 20 February 2009 Posted 20 February 2009 http://www.fmylife.com/Today, the girl I love and I went to visit my parents out of state for the first time. My father grinned and acknowledged that she was a "keeper", at which she laughed and said we were "just friends". I was going to propose to her next week. FML Today, my boss called me into his office to show me the web site of a potential business partner. When he began to type 'virginia' into google, it auto-completed his search with his recent search for 'virgin boy assholes'. I have to go on business trip with him tomorrow. I'm a young guy. FML Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister. FML Today, I handed my PhD dissertation, which I have spent the past year researching and writing full-time. Last night, my roommate set an autocorrect on Word that changed "neither" to "nigger." I didn't notice until after I handed it in. My professor is black. FML Today, I woke up at 5 and studied for my 9:30am exam for 4 hours. When I left my dorm at 9, it was dark outside. Turns out I slept through the entire day and woke up at 5pm. FML Today, I was working the register at a local grocery store. A kid about 5 years old was having trouble zipping his jacket. I reached out to help him and he started screaming "No bad touch bad touch!" and kicked me in the knee. Everyone looked. FML Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some blue martians!" He looked at me and replied, "How about some blue shut the fook up!". FML Post others you find/your own.
imagine that Posted 20 February 2009 Posted 20 February 2009 Today, my friends and I decided that we were going to make fun of our teacher by laughing as hard as we could at the first thing he said because he was always cracking horrible jokes. He walked in and told us his father had just passed. I was the only one to laugh. FML Today, while in our communal showers in the highschool football locker room, I started to swing my penis around because it feels good and I was alone. Two minutes later the rest of the team hops into the shower with me. 30 dudes, one self-induced boner. FML.
dhermon Posted 20 February 2009 Posted 20 February 2009 Today, I walked out of the bathroom when two guys were checking me out and said "nice tail" I smiled and strutted to my next class. When I was about to sit down in my desk, the girl behind me said "did you know you have toilet paper hanging out of your pants?" FML
Alexikokopops Posted 20 February 2009 Posted 20 February 2009 Today, my friend had a Coke can on his desk in class. It was empty but I was thirsty so I picked it up thinking I could try to get that little bit of Coke always left at the bottom. When I took a sip I found out he had been picking his fingernails and putting them in the can. FML
General Smuts Posted 20 February 2009 Posted 20 February 2009 Today, I was having sex with a girl I really like for the first time. After a while I told her I was about to come. Her response: "Lucky you." FML Today, was the first time I had sex with a guy I really like. I took off my shirt and my bra and he said "wow, that's disappointing." FML
welck12 Posted 20 February 2009 Posted 20 February 2009 Today, I was having sex with a girl I really like for the first time. After a while I told her I was about to come. Her response: "Lucky you." FML
Alexikokopops Posted 20 February 2009 Posted 20 February 2009 Today, I was complaining to my sister about how jealous I was of her looks. Her response was "Sometimes it's okay to be the ugly sister. Like, you have less of a chance of getting raped." FML
Alexikokopops Posted 20 February 2009 Posted 20 February 2009 Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML
Edmund Posted 20 February 2009 Posted 20 February 2009 Today, I was jerking off in the train washroom when the ticket inspector knocked at the door. I was nearly done so I didn't open right away. I didn't think he would have the key…I found myself face to face with him and three other passengers. The worst being I didn't have a ticket. Today, my boyfriend handcuffed me to the bed, naked. Someone pulled the fire alarm, and my boyfriend couldn't find the key. So he left me, and the Resident Advisor found me. The fireman had to cut the chain. Today, I tried viagra for the first time. That was at noon, I still have an erection. Today, I masturbated 3 times to the thought of my wife because we don't have sex anymore. Today, it was the first time I ever saw a vagina in person. It was during medical school training on how to do a pelvic exam.
Edmund Posted 20 February 2009 Posted 20 February 2009 Today, I was jerking off in the train washroom when the ticket inspector knocked at the door. I was nearly done so I didn't open right away. I didn't think he would have the key…I found myself face to face with him and three other passengers. The worst being I didn't have a ticket. This one does remind me of a personal experience when I was on the train. Went to open one of those automatic doors on the midland mainline in the new trains and to my horror was a woman taking a dump. She just got up and hit the close button. She obviously didn't lock it and thought it locked automatically on closing. The funny thing is it takes about 40 seconds to open/close. When it was opening there was a look of horror on her face and there was nothing she could do as it was slowly opening.
GLC Posted 20 February 2009 Posted 20 February 2009 This one does remind me of a personal experience when I was on the train. Went to open one of those automatic doors on the midland mainline in the new trains and to my horror was a woman taking a dump. She just got up and hit the close button. She obviously didn't lock it and thought it locked automatically on closing. The funny thing is it takes about 40 seconds to open/close. When it was opening there was a look of horror on her face and there was nothing she could do as it was slowly opening. i can just imagine her face as the door opens
Wezleylowski Posted 20 February 2009 Posted 20 February 2009 Today, we had some family over. A nasty need to wank seized me when I saw her : my 17 year old cousin. I went to my unoccupied parents’ bedroom. My sister's baby walkie talkie was on and the whole family heard me. FML
Fosse Boy Posted 20 February 2009 Posted 20 February 2009 This one does remind me of a personal experience when I was on the train. Went to open one of those automatic doors on the midland mainline in the new trains and to my horror was a woman taking a dump. She just got up and hit the close button. She obviously didn't lock it and thought it locked automatically on closing. The funny thing is it takes about 40 seconds to open/close. When it was opening there was a look of horror on her face and there was nothing she could do as it was slowly opening. Reminds me of a Frankie Boyle rant about train toilet doors.
Fox You Forest Posted 20 February 2009 Posted 20 February 2009 "Today I was in a chatroom, speaking to a girl. We liked each other and got on well. She told me that she had dumped her boyfriend because he was such a bastard. 20 minutes later, we sent each other our photos... it was my ex. FML"
GLC Posted 20 February 2009 Posted 20 February 2009 Today, my mom found a condom in my pocket while doing my laundry. Instead of having the subsequent discussion about the birds and the bees my mother simply asked "Who would have sex with you?" FML Today, I walked through my college dorm and a freshman was watching some overly dramatic show on her laptop. I smiled and asked if it was a new episode of 'Gossip Girl.' She was on a video chat with her boyfriend. They were about to break up. FML Today, me and my boyfriend were hooking up while watching a movie. Just as I was getting really into it, he told me to move my head. He couldn't see the television. FML
Steven Posted 20 February 2009 Posted 20 February 2009 "Today I was in a chatroom, speaking to a girl. We liked each other and got on well. She told me that she had dumped her boyfriend because he was such a bastard. 20 minutes later, we sent each other our photos... it was my ex. FML"
City Lad Posted 20 February 2009 Posted 20 February 2009 Today, my mom cleaned up my room. I had a drawer filled with comdoms, 2 vibrators, and a bondage kit. She organized the condoms and vibrators in a shoe box. FML
DB11 Posted 20 February 2009 Posted 20 February 2009 Wow I didn't realise the time.... I've been browsing the site for an hour an 10 minutes just reading loads of them! They're hilarious though :laugh:
JoeyB Posted 20 February 2009 Posted 20 February 2009 Today, I asked a co-worker out for a drink. She said yes, then my older brother who was visiting decided to come behind me and pull down my pants in front of the office. Then she said no. FML Today, I returned home from college and saw a framed picture of my parents and my younger sister on an elephant in an exotic jungle. I pointed to the picture and asked my mom, "Is this some photoshop job?" She responded, "No, we went to Thailand for a family trip, didn't we tell you?" FML Today, my father came back from a business trip in Canada. He handed me an "I Love Canada" pen. He brought back an xbox 360 for my younger brother. FML Today, I was eating at a restaurant with my boyfriend, he is 6'2 and i am 4'11. Out of nowhere, the hostess started openly flirting with him, and asked him if he needed a booster chair for his daughter. FML Today, I was home alone tanning in my backyard which is fairly secluded. I took my top off and laid there for awhile before I looked over and saw the UPS guy standing at my gate with a package because nobody answered the door. I looked horrified and he said not to worry, he'd seen better. FML
cisono Posted 20 February 2009 Posted 20 February 2009 http://www.fmylife.com/Today, I handed my PhD dissertation, which I have spent the past year researching and writing full-time. Last night, my roommate set an autocorrect on Word that changed "neither" to "nigger." I didn't notice until after I handed it in. My professor is black. FML Only one year for a PhD? Where? [Of course, if the content is as high quality as the spelling.... ]
DB11 Posted 20 February 2009 Posted 20 February 2009 Only one year for a PhD? Where? [Of course, if the content is as high quality as the spelling.... ] The grammar is good, no?
Edmund Posted 20 February 2009 Posted 20 February 2009 The grammar is good, no? Im sure 90% of these are made up. You can tell by how some are written, a bit far fetched. Still funny though.
DB11 Posted 21 February 2009 Posted 21 February 2009 Im sure 90% of these are made up. You can tell by how some are written, a bit far fetched. Still funny though. yeah I reckon loadssssssssss are made up. The ones that aren't funny seem to be like "Yeh unlucky so what?"
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