Saxondale

That's tinnitus. Or in my case, my misses whinging about something.

What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot? One is an Australasian marsupial, the other is a Scotsman stuck in a toilet.

Absolute shits. This grinds my gears.

I just spent approximately thirty seconds looking for my lighter, which was in my hand.

Cracking!

A ruddy good read.

Saw my old pal this afternoon who i'd not seen in seven years. Which was nice. Also found out that chap I used to deal with in my old job has gone to jail for three years for blackmail.

We love Nigel Pearson He went to Hull and back He's returned to save us Now Sven has got the sack PEARSON! PEARSON!

Ian Stringer Bloke on advert for Paco Rabanne '1 Million' fragrance

Well this is the eventual outcome he was hoping for.

Got FIFA 12, blanked the misses on this basis, kept getting panned, realised it was on an insane difficulty setting.

Had to get up ruddy early this morning for a ridiculously important job interview and predictably, couldn't sleep a wink last night. Caned a can of sugar-free Red Bull prior to entering the Den - more or less did the trick.

The misses was off work ill yesterday and I more-or-less implied that there was nothing wrong with her. Of course I've caught the virus off her and feel absolutely terrible today! Karma.

Autumn.

What cvnts. I hope their van catches fire on the way to prison and they burn alive.

Alex Jones off The One Show = really fit Debra Stephenson off The Impressions Show = really fit Debra Stephenson impersonating Alex Jones on The Impressions Show = really fit squared

Why is a scally's baseball cap like a clitoris? Because it's above a cvnt and under a hood.

Why doesn't Viagra work on scallies? Because they only get hard when they've got ten mates behind them.

Carl Froch Steve Howard

Benefits nicely from being in HD. Lovely stuff!

This is becoming a limerick thread. There once was a barmaid from Sale On her breasts were the price of the ale And on her behind For the sake of the blind Was the same information in braille

Homes Under the Hammer. Every single episode goes like this. * Idiot goes to auction with house in mind * Said idiot gets carried away and bids far to much for property * Idiot spends a ludicrous amount of money doing up the property and insists on lots of unnecessary work such as replastering every wall and refitting all the electrics as well as paying somebody to fit top-of-the-range bathrooms and kitchens * Estate agents comes round to revalue the property and it turns out its worth about £30k less than the amount the idiot has spent on the property * Idiot tells the cameras that the estate agents have "got this one wrong" and the property is actually worth far more

Teacher to class: "What does your dad do at weekends?". Little Boy: "He's a male prostitute". Teacher takes him outside, "Is that true?". Little boy: "No miss, it's bollocks. He plays for Derby County but I'm too embarrassed to say".

Zoidberg costume? Fvcking brilliant!

The misses' mardies.