Miquel The Work Geordie

This is most tense I get all year and I Manscape using the Lawnmower 5000

We were shit though, I was saying Boo-urns when we were doing it

Only magicians these days can carry off the fanny tickler with any level of relevancy

I went on a few dates with a lass who had a monstera in her flat in the spot the TV should've been. Needless to say getting dumped by her was the best thing I ever did!

Sorry but he most important thing isn't "peace" it's not embarassing yourself on the biggest stage of them all, and we've done exactly that

Anyone ever seen these so called juries

Nemo thinks he's got a tap in doesn't he, watching him topple like Saddam in 2003 will be one for the ages

Three points from Switzerland, I'll be having a refreshing pint of Toberlone down my local tomorrow

Proper hate it when these representatives do an intro in their gibberish language. ENGLISH PLEASE!

Again I'm not averse to loud or experimental music - I love Snow Patrol - but I must be missing something with Ireland's effort

Oh god here they are, to talk about "catching a wave" or some shit

I was Team Nemo, I was seduced by the tight perm and the energetic tune, but his pathetic reaction when he gets 12 points makes me now personally hope the little pubehead rots

Watching Switzerland do this, with what should have been our entry, while we turned up with the worst sound our beloved Eurovision has ever seen, feels like Jim Bowen and Tony Green showing me a speedboat I've just missed out on

San Marino get a say? Absolute bottom of their respective qualifying group merchants

Portugal?! Our jury been on Lidl bakery pasteis de nata and been seduced by the custardy insides havent they, giving them sardine merchants 12 man.

Always feels weird this bit seeing Our Celebs on it. Like watching them weird Eastenders / Corro crossovers on red nose day

Martin Osterdahl is the Gianni Infantino of this isn't he, he wants game 39

Don't know about anyone else but I'm feeling United By Music tonight

Hope you all got your votes in (and asked for the bill payer's permission)

"Ooo look at me look at me I won last year now I'm writhing about on a stool with streams of toilet paper cascading around me love me love me"

Say what you want about DHGate Claudia WInkleman, you could eat your tea off her stomach! Here's me debating eating a whole pork pie like a ****ing apple

Soon as I heard goddam Graham Norton brother I folded like a house of cards

Eurovision should be for the kids, emulating their heroes. I remember when I donned a denim jacket and pretended I was Daz Sampson as a doe eyed 14 year old. Who in their right mind is going to let their kid emulate tonight's embarrassment? If you're a parent tonight and you let your kid jump around willy nilly in a shower, you're part of the problem

Back for Eurovision – been doing some phenomenal pints recently. Kirkstall are absolutely dominating in Leeds now, they've moved into the bottom floor of the Tetley building and are (jointly with Five Points) renovating the Victoria in the city which was previously a Nicholsons, a beautiful building and bar they'll do a fantastic job with. Wenlocks (basically Five Points) are also opening a beer / food hall round the back of the Corn Exchange which I imagine will be akin to Mackie Mayor in Manchester. Cardigan Arms in Burley is still the GOATed boozer up there for me and one I miss every day having moved back down to Leicester for a bit. Best pubs (some new for me, some not) in the past year have been... The Pigeons in Halifax – absolutely beautiful gaff with a few rooms coming off a bar, Ossett owned and operated so White Rat was about £3.60. Great stop before going down the Shay to watch the football, Halifax as a place is seriously doing well for pubs and beer. The Big Six is also *phenomenal* – I'd advise anyone who lives in the north / has easy access to have a poke around there. Port St Beerhouse in Manchester is really, really lovely. Gas Lamp and Crown & Kettle up there consistently deliver too. The Wenlock Arms in Islington has been a fixture whenever I've nipped down there over the past five years and is now always top of the pile, it's the perfect pub. Sutton Arms in Clerkenwell up there too. Used to love the Old Fountain but the staff are shit in there now, it's really just lost a bit of what made it so good to visit. The beer is still great, the pub is still exactly the same, but the staff are so unarsed to the point its quite easy to swerve. Goes under the radar a bit I feel, but outside of the capital I genuinely think Sheffield can stake a claim to be the best pub city in the country.

They sound like me after ten pints trying to make chat with a bloody Uber driver