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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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FallenAngel

FallenAngel

Posted
Posted

My missus says im immature and that we should set aside a day so that we can talk like adults. Like that's going to ****ing happen in the middle of conker season!!! :o

  • Like 1
FallenAngel

FallenAngel

Posted
Posted

I was chatting up a pikey bird in the pub last night when she asked if id like to go back to her place and have a good time. She wasnt kidding, i went on the waltzers, dodgems and ghost train and came back home with a goldfish!

  • Like 2
FallenAngel

FallenAngel

Posted
Posted

I felt shit this morning, thats the last time i buy Tesco Value toilet roll!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy gets nicked for domestic violence. The Judge asks "Paddy, why do you keep beating your wife?".

Paddy replies, "i think its my weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork!"

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Two Irishmen are hammering floorboards down in a new house,. Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down and throws it away. He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?". "Because they're upside down", says Paddy. "You daft ****" replies Murphy, "save em for the ceiling!".

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Kate Middleton asks the Queen for secrets on a long and successful marriage. The Queen replies wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!

---------------------------------------------

My ****ing neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning!! Can you believe that?!! 2:30am!!! :o

Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums...

mr whippy

mr whippy

Posted
Posted

One day Superman was feeling horny & asked his Superhero friends where he could get some action. Everyone agreed Wonder Woman was the best shag in Comic Land. 'But she & I are friends, I can't take advantage of her', said Superman.

l0 minutes later he's flying low over the city & sees Wonder Woman lying in a field naked with her legs apart & thinks, I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in & out before she knows I'm here.

So with a sonic boom & a blur he's down, in & gone. Wonder Woman stares at the sky & says, 'What the Hell was that?'

'Don't know', says The Invisible Man, 'but my arse is killing me!!'

mr whippy

mr whippy

Posted
Posted

Couple driving home and run over a Badger, they get out and find it's still breathing but freezing cold. Husband says "Sit in the car and put it between your legs to warm it up", wife replies "But it's all wet and it stinks", he says "Well hold the Badgers ****ing nose then!"

  • Like 2
AjcW

AjcW

Posted
Posted

Apologies in advance.. I'm on the phone and can't put a spoiler.

....

Chelsea Training Session:

Terry gets the ball and dribbles it around malouda then ramires,cole and finally anelka.

Andre Villas Boas shakes his head and shouts "CONES JOHN, I SAID DRIBBLE AROUND THE CONES"

  • Like 1
HEGGSY

HEGGSY

Posted
Posted

Apologies in advance.. I'm on the phone and can't put a spoiler.

....

Chelsea Training Session:

Terry gets the ball and dribbles it around malouda then ramires,cole and finally anelka.

Andre Villas Boas shakes his head and shouts "CONES JOHN, I SAID DRIBBLE AROUND THE CONES"

lol

Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

BINGLE JELLS:

Christmas Cake Recipe - for those of you who can't remember last year's cake recipe.

Ingredients:

* 2 cups flour

* 1 stick butter

* 1 cup of water

* 1 tsp baking soda

* 1 cup of sugar

* 1 tsp salt

* 1 cup of brown sugar

* Lemon juice

* 4 large eggs

* Nuts

* 2 bottle wine

* 2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the wine to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the wine again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the wine is still OK. Try another cup... Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner.. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something.. Check the wine. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the wine and wipe counter with the cat.

Go to Tesco and buy cake.

lcfcadam

lcfcadam

Posted
Posted

Apologies in advance.. I'm on the phone and can't put a spoiler.

....

Chelsea Training Session:

Terry gets the ball and dribbles it around malouda then ramires,cole and finally anelka.

Andre Villas Boas shakes his head and shouts "CONES JOHN, I SAID DRIBBLE AROUND THE CONES"

Fantastic :)

Guest MattP

Guest MattP

Posted
Posted (edited)

Question 1.2.

Jamal, Leroy and Sinjita are travelling in 3 different directions at a speed of 30mph.

On a scale of 1-10, how scared were the education board of being called racist?

Edited by MattP
Jackirius

Jackirius

Posted
Posted (edited)

Question 1.2.

Jamal, Leroy and Sinjita are travelling in 4 different directions at a speed of 30mph.

On a scale of 1-10, how scared were the education board of being called racist?

I'm more scared that 3 people are travelling in 4 directions.

Edited by Jackirius
  • Like 1
Guest MattP

Guest MattP

Posted
Posted

I'm more scared that 3 people are travelling in 4 directions.

:crylaugh: I didnt even notice that

Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

The sleep threads reminded me of my uncle Joe who died in his sleep and I was thinking thats a good way to go. Not screaming and shouting like the passengers of his coach as it went over a cliff.

Wherethefoxhat?

Wherethefoxhat?

Posted
Posted

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of bitter in a mug and then asks the landlord what food they do .

"Baguettes,Crisps or Doughnuts" he says

"Doughnuts my favourites " says the duck...."i'll have two please....can you put them on my bill ?"

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