The joke thread

[FoxyPV]

I was in a nightclub queue when two blokes in front of me started arguing.

One guy pushed the other and said, "Four, nine."

The other man pushed him back and said, "Sixteen, twenty-five."

A bouncer reached for his walkie-talkie and said, "I need some help at the door. We've got a couple of men squaring up."

Very good.

[ozleicester]

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

The barman says "We dont serve neutrino's here"

A neutrino walks into a bar

[Bob Weasel Fox]

I asked the local prostitute for something kinky so she shoved jumps leads up my arse

Cant believe how much she charged me

[Bob Weasel Fox]

A priest books into Travelodge and says to the receptionist "I hope the porn chanel is disabled"

The receptionist replied "No its ordinary porn you sicko"

[The Doctor]

Mike saw his friend Paddy eating a woolen jumper and wandered over to say hello

"Why are you eating a jumper?" Mike asked, to which paddy replied: "I've been to see the doctor and he said I need more fiber in my diet".

[jonthefox]

Mike saw his friend Paddy eating a woolen jumper and wandered over to say hello

"Why are you eating a jumper?" Mike asked, to which paddy replied: "I've been to see the doctor and he said I need more fiber in my diet".

I was going to pick you up on spelling there. However there seems to be two ways to spell it. Yanks maybe ?.

[The Doctor]

I was going to pick you up on spelling there. However there seems to be two ways to spell it. Yanks maybe ?.

fibre/fiber.

I think the second one is an Americanism, but on pronunciation it sounds more like er than re, so that's the one I use.

[Rincewind]

A blokes enjoying a pint a bitter in a pub when a woman comes up to his table puts her backside over the glass and breaks wind. She then walks away and stands at the bar. The bloke goes up to her and says

'You fart in my Whitbread?'

She says 'No, I'm Tessa sanderson'

[Wycombe Fox]

I bought a new guard dog yesterday.

It's useless, it lets anybody in.

Feckin' UK Border Collie.

[MikeyT]

What do a dwarf and a midget have in common? Very little.

[Alexikokopops]

fibre/fiber.

I think the second one is an Americanism, but on pronunciation it sounds more like er than re, so that's the one I use.

Do you do the same with centre and metre? Just out of curiosity.

[StanSP]

Do you do the same with centre and metre? Just out of curiosity.

I say centimetre.

[fatmando]

I was sitting watching Match of the Day when the Mrs came into the lounge and says"Fancy a shag Babe?"

I said, "After the football love"

She said, "You do realise that you can record it?"

I said, "Nice, you get the camcorder, I'll come upstairs when the footy finishes".

[fatmando]

John Terry has written an apology to Anton Ferdinand:

"Good golly Anton, sorry about all this monkey business, it's only a little black humour really and its all gone bananas, what do you say we call a spade a spade and put this whole dark episode behind us? Feel free to swing by for a drink some time!"

[The Doctor]

Do you do the same with centre and metre? Just out of curiosity.

for some reason - no.

[Rincewind]

For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted..

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without..

Send extra sauce

[StanSP]

If it hurts when you pee, then urine trouble.

[Wherethefoxhat?]

My mates had all his hair shaved off for the charity children in need .

Says it feels really strange but makes his dick look bigger !!

[skinnydipper]

They have set a tough task for tonight's bush tucker trial. A Kangaroo has to eat one of Fatima Whitbread's testicles!

Edited 18 November 2011 by skinnydipper

[Bob Weasel Fox]

My missus asked me to help her stop sucking her thumb. So i drew a dick on it

[Webbo]

My friend's company selling large sheep went bust....

The last time I saw him he was standing on a street corner selling biggish ewes.

[Saxondale]

What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?

One is an Australasian marsupial, the other is a Scotsman stuck in a toilet.

[Wherethefoxhat?]

People say that nothing lasts forever ................

Try wanking over Susan Boyle !!!!!

[General Smuts]

People say that nothing lasts forever ................

Try wanking over Susan Boyle !!!!!

Finished.

[Rincewind]

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University,

has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and

down, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold

weather sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large

group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him