The joke thread

[broughtonblue]

Don't forget to get your tickets for this weeks costa Concordia cruise ship lottery - it's a rollover!

[Webbo]

Hello, you are through to PC World technical support how may I help you?

I'm having trouble finding the net

No problem sir, can I take your name please?

Yeah its Andy Carroll

[FOX_TROT_07]

How do you make a hormone?

Forget to pay her

[Wherethefoxhat?]

Been to a mates wedding & whispered to the bloke next to me "The Brides a right fookin dog ".

He said "Do you mind...that's my daughter you're talking about !"

"I'm really sorry...i did'nt realise you were her father"

"I'm not...i'm her mother!"

[fatmando]

My girlfriend came and sat next to me on the sofa with a sad look on her face; "Cheer up" I said, "Oh I'm ok" she sighed "just a bit sad"

"You're fab" I said, "Thanks" she said, "You're mine" I said, "I know silly!" she chuckled,

"I love you" I said, "Aww!" she gushed "That's so lovely!"

"Marry me" I said, She squealed with joy and stood up and started clapping like a seal, "Yes!" she bellowed "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

I looked up at her and said "Yes what?" "Yes I will marry you!" she beamed,

"F**k off!" I said "Here, have a Love Heart".

[fatmando]

After landing myself in jail, I spent the first 3 hours getting bummed senseless.

My uncle takes monopoly way too seriously..

[Finnegan]

For Large Al.

[FOX_TROT_07]

What's ET short for?

Because he's got little legs

Edited 20 January 2012 by FOX_TROT_07

[Tielemans63]

"So, how's life in North Korea?"

"Well, I can't complain."    

[Head Honcho]

It was Emile Heskey's birthday last week...........but he missed it!

[Wherethefoxhat?]

My mate went to a fortune teller last week, she studied his hand and said "you have been masturbating". He said "hey you are good, can you tell me anything about my future?". She looked at his face and said........ "you'll be doing it for a bloody long time".

[Wherethefoxhat?]

My new girlfriend told me i would have to wait 6 months for a blowjob.

I said i understood & respected her decision .........and would contact her nearer the time !

[FoxyPV]

For Large Al.

After landing myself in jail, I spent the first 3 hours getting bummed senseless.

My uncle takes monopoly way too seriously..

[Mission Unlikely Promotion]

I thought my Mrs would be the ideal candidate for a new tv show coming on the tele

Turns out i misheard and the shows actually called "Fact Hunt"

[The Doctor]

For Large Al.

Am I really that nerdy?

[Finnegan]

Am I really that nerdy?

Yes

I read it and immediately thought you'd be one of the few people I know who'd get it.

(I underestimated Foxy, I'm sorry.)

Edited 22 January 2012 by Finnegan

[Finnegan]

[FoxyPV]

Yes

I read it and immediately thought you'd be one of the few people I know who'd get it.

(I underestimated Foxy, I'm sorry.)

You arrogant bastard!

It's not that nerdy

[The Doctor]

Perhaps not a joke but I'm sure a few (in particular Finners) may find this funny:

Type "Define an English person" into Google and look at the top result.

[Alexikokopops]

Perhaps not a joke but I'm sure a few (in particular Finners) may find this funny:

Type "Define an English person" into Google and look at the top result.

Haaaahaahaha. Snigger.

[Finnegan]

Perhaps not a joke but I'm sure a few (in particular Finners) may find this funny:

Type "Define an English person" into Google and look at the top result.

Ahahahahahaa!! lol

[FoxyPV]

[fatmando]

Haha. Awesome. Tweeting that.

[flowwolf]

Jim

I had a friend who's name was Jim,

His fate was hard to bear.

For every time he wished to speak,

He couldn't help but swear.

His trouble so oppressed him,

That he vowed he'd never talk,

And every time he wished to speak,

He'd write it down in chalk.

At length poor Jim, went off his head,

To the mad house he was sent.

And he wrote his rude words on the wall,

No matter where he went.

And so they told a Warder,

To follow him about,

And with a little piece of sponge,

To wipe his rude words out.

One night with screams, the asylum rang ,

And there was Jim, poor man,

Rushing through the corridors,

And writing as he ran.

" stand back, he cried, Don't stop me ! "

As onward he did lunge ,

" I'm fourteen Fvcks' and a Cvnt' in front...

and the warders lost his sponge ! "

Edited 22 January 2012 by flowwolf

[Night Air]

Q: What is the difference between Coventry and a triangle?

A: The triangle has three points.