Dub_Monkey Posted 25 August 2008 Posted 25 August 2008 Betcha cant read this without laughing-best not to try this at home. Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the but ton. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipsh!t,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ol' thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!! I'm pretty sure The Hulk ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative? A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I sh*t myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
Samilktray Posted 25 August 2008 Posted 25 August 2008 I might find it funny... If i could be arsed to read all of that.
lildave3 Posted 26 August 2008 Posted 26 August 2008 I might find it funny...If i could be arsed to read all of that. I second this notion.
Guest Posted 26 August 2008 Posted 26 August 2008 I'll shorten it for you. Dumbass buys tazer as a gift for wife, whilst bored decides to tazer himself with it, because his muscles spasm as he tazers himself he can't stop it for ages. When he comes round he's generally fooked himself up and his wife loved it as gift and threatens him with it from time to time I laughed at the sheer stupidity of the bloke
James. Posted 26 August 2008 Posted 26 August 2008 I might find it funny...If i could be arsed to read all of that. I second this notion. True disciples of the McDonalds culture. It did actually make me smile. Quite an amusing story, Tazers sound like f**king serious weapons. I want one.
SOCCERROO FOX Posted 26 August 2008 Posted 26 August 2008 I've been emailed this aswell and yet i still can't be fooked reading it after the first paragraph
Brainy Posted 26 August 2008 Posted 26 August 2008 I read it all but didn't smile / laugh once Why do you never understand any jokes but your own?
Thracian Posted 26 August 2008 Posted 26 August 2008 Some people have that sort of experience every day - and call it an orgasm! :D
DB11 Posted 26 August 2008 Posted 26 August 2008 Why do you never understand any jokes but your own? I didn't say I didn't understand it did I?
Brainy Posted 27 August 2008 Posted 27 August 2008 I didn't say I didn't understand it did I? Not on this occasion.
Tommy G Posted 27 August 2008 Posted 27 August 2008 Some people have that sort of experience every day - and call it an orgasm! :D With tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? You have interesting orgasms Thracian!
Thracian Posted 27 August 2008 Posted 27 August 2008 You have interesting orgasms Thracian! I have more ogleasms than orgasms these days.
Mickey O'Neil Posted 27 August 2008 Posted 27 August 2008 I enjoyed it as well!! I started laughing at the microwave bit and carried on throughout!!
DB11 Posted 27 August 2008 Posted 27 August 2008 Not on this occasion. I didn't say I didn't understand it because I did. Just it wasn't funny.... Why I have to explain it to you I don't know.
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