Things I Learned From My Mother

[MikeyT]

Just saw this as a note on one of my friend's Facebook pages and thought it was quite amusing.

I think all of us have heard our mum's at some point say stuff like this to us over the years.

1.My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .

"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .

"You are going to get it when your father gets home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE .

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

[SOCCERROO FOX]

Is it Mothers Day in the UK today aswell?

[MikeyT]

Is it Mothers Day in the UK today aswell?

No mate, was a while back. An Australian friend of mine posted this, though cos of it being Mothers Day over there.

[SOCCERROO FOX]

No mate, was a while back. An Australian friend of mine posted this, though cos of it being Mothers Day over there.

Yeah it is, i woke up at the crack of dawn and went and cooked a mean bbq from 730am.

[MikeyT]

Yeah it is, i woke up at the crack of dawn and went and cooked a mean bbq from 730am.

Nice! I've made do with toast. haha

[The Doctor]

Yeah it is, i woke up at the crack of dawn and went and cooked a mean bbq from 730am.

730 AM? How longs a day in aus then?

[Trav Le Bleu]

How to suck eggs.

No wait, that was my grandmother.

[Zingari]

my mother taught me not to talk to strangers

but everyone is a stranger until you talk to them

i think she wanted me to end up sad and lonely and arguing with people on tinterweb

she succeeded

[Trav Le Bleu]

my mother taught me not to talk to strangers

but everyone is a stranger until you talk to them

i think she wanted me to end up sad and lonely and arguing with people on tinterweb

she succeeded

Thank you Zingari's mum!

I have a friend who was always going and talking to strangers as a child and her parents told her not to, because they might take her away and kill her.

So she went up to a stranger and asked him, "are you a stranger?"

"I suppose I am, yes," he replied.

So she asked him, "Are you going to kill me then?"

True story.

[I am Rod Hull]

Dont eat yellow snow. Best mom tip ever...

[Rocket-Ron]

How to cook (and burn) everything at gas mark 9

[Smudge]

She spent the first two years of my life teaching me to walk and talk. After that, I was told to sit down and shut up.

[cambridgefox]

Yeah it is, i woke up at the crack of dawn and went and cooked a mean bbq from 730am.

...and did dawn mind you being near her crack! (i really hope thats not your mums name)

[broughtonblue]

When I was a baby she taught me how to suck a nipple properly. Something I still try to do with my wife at every opportunity!

[SOCCERROO FOX]

When I was a baby she taught me how to suck a nipple properly. Something I still try to do with my wife at every opportunity!

I actually vomitted a little bit in my mouth reading that!

[Thracian]

She spent the first two years of my life teaching me to walk and talk. After that, I was told to sit down and shut up.

[Bellend Sebastian]

I learned from my mother that brown people are frightening, but since then I've discovered that this is false and am wondering what other nonsense I've been fed over the years

[davieG]

I learned from my mother that brown people are frightening, but since then I've discovered that this is false and am wondering what other nonsense I've been fed over the years

People that spend their lives on a sunbed are frightening.

[Bellend Sebastian]

People that spend their lives on a sunbed are frightening.

That's true, but I don't think that's what she meant.

She's a good old fashioned racist. Not one of these new fangled ones

[MikeyT]

...and did dawn mind you being near her crack! (i really hope thats not your mums name)

Haha