Long time reader, first time poster.
I don't even know how to start writing how I feel, the hardest part is that I am not one at all for talking about my feelings. I bottle them up, push them aside and do my best to carry on with a smile. My generic response is "I'm ok", when in fact I really am not.
I can't necessarily pin-point when this all started, I just know it has been festering for a very long time and certain life events have contributed towards me getting worse.
I finally came to breaking point last weekend.
I know that I need to change certain parts of myself to be able to move forwards, and I've committed to getting the help I have long needed. Today I made a phone call to my works Employee Assistance Programme and will hopefully be able to speak to a professional to help and support me.
A huge part of me feels ashamed and that I have no reason to feel like this, I have a loving and supportive family (albeit I NEVER call up on them for help), a son that I adore and would do anything for, a successful career, a brilliant group of friends, but at times it all seems so irrelevant.
My philosophy on life so far has been that I don't need anyone and I can do it all on my own. Asking for help is a sign of weakness. This approach hasn't got me anywhere and in fact nearly ruined me.
At the end of 2017 I left the mother of my son, it wasn't a happy relationship and I'd given up a long time before it was over. The guilt of leaving her was directed 100% towards my son as it felt like I had left him, even though I hadn't. I have never stopped seeing him, providing for him and being the best dad I can be and thanks for COVID I was able to increase my time with him and have 50% shared care. Me and him have always had a brilliant relationship, we are like best mates but I've never been able to shrug off that feeling that I left him. To help cope with this I put everything I had into my job as a coping mechanism and it was working, masking the issues but working. Then early in 2018 I was made redundant. I had well and truly hit rock bottom and my life got out of control. My safe haven had been taken away from me and I was more alone than ever. In between leaving that relationship and losing my job, I had started to date this girl and it helped to have a distraction but she ended it very abruptly and that hurt. I soon found another job but it wasn't 'my' job and I was miserable and I ended up quitting and getting another job that I became more happy in. 3 quite big life events happening like that is definitely a key factor in to how I feel and why I act in the way I do.
Since then life has been relatively easy, I'd picked myself up but knew that the devil was always on my shoulder trying to bring me down. Until this year where I completely shut off from friends, family and my girlfriend.
Last year I met the love of my life, everything was perfect, almost too perfect. I then started to doubt myself, questioning if I deserved this and if it was what I wanted. Fast forward to this summer and I found myself very quickly spiralling out of control and pushing her away because I thought it was best for her to be without me because all I was doing was hurting her and breaking her heart. I could see what I was doing but I couldn't stop. My stubbornness and ego were very much in control but the deeper in the hole I got the more difficult it became to even attempt to right my wrongs. Eventually I ended the relationship and told myself I was fine. A couple of months into the break up and I couldn't cope without her, as much as I tried to tell myself that we were best apart, it was all a lie and I knew deep down that I loved her still and that we are meant to be together.
To protect myself I'd either make stuff up and exaggerate issues to give other reasons why I ended the relationship rather than admitting it was largely down to my issues.
I put myself in a position where I couldn't talk and despite being asked daily if I am ok and if I wanted to talk about the past I just didn't want to. Talking about past events has always been very painful for me as I don't want to have to relive them and remember how low I felt.
Me and the girlfriend are now back together, all she ever wanted to do was help me but I didn't see that. I'm quietly confident that we'll be ok in time and be able to grow old together.
I'm so insecure and have a lot of self doubt that I deserve anyone. I've felt so on edge this week because I've opened up to my girlfriend about my issues and also told my closest friends. They have all been massively supportive but I can't help but feel so vulnerable in that I have completely let my guard down and that I am not going to regret doing so and get hurt. I feel physically sick at this thought.
I suffer massively from imposter syndrome, mainly at work despite being successfully and I believe this has had a huge impact on my relationship.
I know it's going to be a long road ahead but I honestly feel that I have made the most difficult step so far in admitting this and willing to get help.
