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CollinsLCFC

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CollinsLCFC last won the day on 22 August

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About CollinsLCFC

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  1. I'm going Wroclaw in a couple of weeks with a few friends if anyone has any tips? A very much needed break after the last few weeks, so im beginning to look forward to it!
  2. Hi all Just to let you guys know that I feel that I am slowly climbing the ladder back up. I have forced myself to return to some normalities - I have returned to work today, been to the gym etc and made sure I met friends when they offer. This has all helped and I have started to have a more positive focus. Whilst I am still finding it extremely difficult, I feel so much better than the absolute hell of the past 2 weeks. They were truely horrible times and I have never felt that low and desperate for a way out in my life. Talking has really helped and I have made a commitment to donate monthly to Samaritans. A volunteer pretty much saved my life that day. I will be returning to the Doctors to ask for some meds for anxiety. I keep having anxiety attacks that are just too much to deal with. Not being able to concentrate on anything, pacing around with all thoughts running in your head, it becomes unbareable. Thank you all once again for your help and advice. Im hoping that im over the worse of it and now the only way is up!
  3. Morning guys. Yesterday was an absolute roller-coaster. I woke up with that awful feeling again. Refusing to speak to anyone, feeling trapped and just didn't know what to do. An estate agent called me offering me to view a 1 bedroom apartment and I went to view it the same day. Weirdly, going to the viewing made me feel slightly better. It was the first step of moving on and I had more positive thoughts of what I would do with it, and envisiged myself being there. As it's unoccupied they said I can be in by next week. A bit too sudden but I said I would sleep on it. I told my ex-partner, and I think reality hit her. She didn't want me to go. I said I can't keep going through this as it's put me in such a dark place I can't describe. But I did ask one final time, the ultimatum, me or him. She chose me and called him there and then to tell him. I instantly felt like a weight was lifted for the first hour. But obviously I'm no fool, and I don't know if I'm just giving myself false hope. She was very distant after it all, but she maintained she wants us to be back to normal. I want to beleive her, but I don't want to go through it again. The thing is, I can't walk away. I just can't leave unless she tells me to. I spoke to my manager before this, and she doesn't want me to come back to work. She said I'm not ready. I don't know if to take another week to try and just give myself more breathing space and sort my head out or try and go back work. I don't know if it will be rushing back to normalities. I am going back to the doctors. I've always had some deep depression and anxiety and this whole episode made it come to life. So I want to do something about it once and for all. I don't know if I'm being stupid thinking everything can go back to normal, but we do have so much planned. The US trip, new house coming up. All nearly turned upside down by some narcissistic bellend getting in her head. When I met him on Friday, when they was out, he came across such a bellend. Guys will know, they say anything to women to get what they want. They become Shakespeare with words.
  4. I asked her earlier today, if she wants to try with me or end it for this guy . She said try. I dropped her off to go out. A few hours later she walks past me. Laughing and talking with this guy. I interrupted, asked her to talk. Told him to **** off in the nicest possible way. She said its not how it looks and she made a mistake but I said it's too late and she can't do it to me. She has killed me. It's the worst thing I've ever seen in my life and it hasn't it me. I'm emotionless. I spoke to him, I told him I don't know him, I don't like him or dislike him but he better make sure she doesn't leave me for him to **** her about. I love her so much. She's gone now. In the worst possible way. ****ing disgusting.
  5. Going on from my last post. Was out having a beer with my mate and she walked in with this other guy. How the **** she can do it
  6. Evening gents. Thought I'd post a quick update. I've been trying to get back to normalities, went back to the flat, arranging to meet friends for a drink this evening and I feel quite, well a lot better. We met yesterday as we agreed , we talked at the flat, went for dinner and cinema. It wasn't a date, but she said she does want to try for us. This made me feel a lot better. The part that destroyed me was when this all came out, she was willing and did walk away without any effort. As everything was perfect and so unexpected, it hit me hard and made me feel so worthless and small. That resulted in me not wanting to be here anymore. I look back now and understand it was extreme, but the pain I was going through was so much and I didn't want anything else. I'm not hopeful we will be OK, but the fact she is making effort has gave me some good feeling. Although, I am scared that I will get my hopes up soon, and get slammed back down. I did think of doing the hardest thing ever and me breaking it off, but I couldn't do that. Its going to be a very long and difficult period. We are living seperatley and agreed to meet once or twice a week to see how it goes. I do still remain going into deep thought, anxiety kicks in and I panic. I know my anxiety will push her away. I've always had problems with it, and I'm thinking of returning doctors for something to help that. Looking forward to going for a drink with my mate, game of pool and doing something normal rather than lying on my bed with 100s of thoughts racing through my mind!
  7. Thank you mate. I'm sorry to hear your Wife suffers from depression, It must be tough, for you both. However your support for her is amazing . I called my partner past night. I finally built up the courage to accept what she wants. Ive been refusing to accept it for a while and I felt like I was ready finally hear it from her so I can begin to move on. She said she doesn't want us to break up and she does want it just to go back to normal, but afraid it won't. We are due to meet up tonight in a neutral location to talk face to face. It left me feeling optimistic last night, but I was trying to also tell myself it won't be the result I want. We are due to go to New York and Vegas in January, all booked and paid for, and I was planning on asking her to marry me there. Been planning it for the last 18 months. I had a dream we was there last night, we found a broken slots machine in Vegas and we kept winning hundreds of dollars. Then I woke up and realised where I was. That was hard and I wanted to go for another walk, but didn't dare after yesterday! I'm so up and down at the moment. I get the feeling that she does want to be with me, she keeps saying she loves me, but I think she is scared to much damage has been done and it might be easier now to walk away. I know myself its not, this has made me realise that I need to help myself to help her and us. I got too lazy, took our relationship for granted. Gained weight, didn't look after myself as well as I should because I had it all. Either way it goes, I want to be determined to get myself back into shape and help myself again. You don't realise what you've got until it's gone, and as I truly believed she was gone, it opened my eyes.
  8. It is mate, but the thing is, I've always had a darkness cloud me before the split. I've never confronted it, bottled it up and tried to crack on. The split sent me into a state that I can't even explain. But I know what your saying mate. I'm trying to keep distracted but truth is, I'm so exhausted right now from the emotion, lack of sleep, I just want to be on my own, watch something funny and try and do something normal.
  9. Thank you again for your messages and support. I'll keep you updated so you know how I am getting on and so you can also see the positive effects you have on people's lives. When I called Samaritans, I was asked who encouraged me to call. I told them about you guys. Strangers in one sense, but family of the football club. She mentioned how amazing that is, how you do this for each other. I spent the whole day after this mornings episode laying down, trying to take it in. I made the decision to call my Brother. He really is the closest person to me. He was depressed last year and didn't speak up until I made him and I knew he would be pissed off if I didn't speak up now, to make the same mistake. The immediate concern in his voice when I told him gave me some comfort. It was so natural and stuck with conviction basically saying, I effing love you bro, you can't do this to me. You need to speak to me. It made me feel more loved and needed than I have for a long while. It was hard to tell him, but I am so glad I did. He now rings me every few hours, just checking up and he will talk about when I was a little baby etc and other things just to take my mind off it briefly. Whilst I'm still in the dark and I'm learning that the human mind is more of a cnut than Chris Sutton, some humans such as you guys, volunteers at Samaritans to name a few are fckng incredible. I'm crying writing this, but I feel completely turned around from this morning.
  10. I told the Dr I wouldn't want them if they increase the anxiety and depression, even for the start. The Dr said I was very vocal and get expressive when I talk. It does help. Just venting. I don't think last night helped. Whilst my Mrs is leaving me for someone else, my dad made a comment of the 'pud' I've amassed over the past few years. I really could of done without that. That's one of the things that has made me self conscious and made me feel that's a contributing reason she left.
  11. This morning has been the toughest yet. I felt low so I decided to take a morning walk in the park to clear my head and take in the sun, nature etc. Then the thoughts came back and I measured myself up against a railing and took my belt off. I was so very close. There was too many people around and I didn't want to get stopped or found. I then had what possibly is a panic attack. The realisation kicked in of what I was about to do. I went dizzy, couldn't breath and broke down. Its worth noting that me and my partner have an agreement that I would call her if I ever feel on the brink. She cares about me and said I can speak to her if I need to. I called and left a voicemail, I didn't tell her what I was going to do, to be honest, I was crying so much I didn't make any sense. As she couldn't talk, I took someone's advice on here and called Samaritans. They really are great. But, even with that, it doesn't feel its changed my mind. I know what I want to do, but can't bring myself to do it. When I get these thoughts, and I'm on the brink, I don't think of anyone. I don't think what I'm leaving or what I'll miss out on. I just want it to go away. Now I've had a bit of time after to digest it, the feelings gone down a bit. But it is inevitable it will return and I'm so scared when it does.
  12. Cheers all for your replies, advice, words of comfort. It really does give a good feeling in times like these. I know time is a healer, and as we all know, it's so so difficult to get through that time. I have made a promise to myself I'll call out for help when I feel like there is now way out. I owe it to my friends, all of you and most importantly myself. I am so honestly grateful for everyone who offers a stranger a hand in times like these and the Fox's family quote made me tear up. This great club has allowed us to console in each other and help each other. Love and respect to each and every one of you.
  13. Hi Guys Ive been on and off this thread for a while. Never knew if to speak up, if I did what to say. I feel its good to talk and there is something strange but comforting in talking to strangers, but strangers who understand and can empathise. I recently attempted to take my own life following a seperation from my partner. We have been together for 5 years, living together for 3 and out relationship has been perfect. No bumps. We are both socially awkward people and understand each other. We are best friends and can hold conversations you can't have with anyone else. She decided to break things off with me as she likes someone she works with. I couldn't and still can't comprehend why. But I can't change that. Because everything was so perfect and this literally came out the blue after a few perfect days together, it got too much for me. I felt worthless and felt like I had nowhere to go. I went to my Parents but they aren't the best for advice or comfort. They love me but they see it as a young love bird break up. I went to see a friend who is brilliant, he listened, talked, made me laugh, like cry with laughter. But as soon as I got home, the dark feeling came back. I was googling ways to do it painlessly, and I tried to suffocate myself. I didn't indicate to anyone I was going to do it, but in a moment of madness the pain got too much. I wrote a 3 page letter and attempted. I don't want this to be the option, I have family, friends who it would destroy. But when it's in your head it's scary. When it happened, I didn't think of anything or anyone else, I only focused on ending it. I went to the doctors today. They haven't prescribed me any meds as they say it can increase the depression and anxiety. I'm just trying to get through day by day at the moment. Searching for any comfort I can to stop this feeling. Thank you in advance for any responses given. The people on here are like no other. I've seen the comfort and good words you give to others and it is truely amazing.
  14. My next door neighbour is partially deaf.. I hear her alarm clock go off in the mornings for a good 30/40 mins before she wakes up and turns it off.
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