The joke thread

[James.]

I hardly ever look in this thread - I'm so glad I did - I have tears rolling down my cheeks

Seconded, that sort of stuff deserves a thread of its own.

[hairy]

[hairy]

[JoeyB]

don't know if its been posted:

Englishman, Irishman and Frenchman walking along a beach and fine a lamp with a genie, the genie says i'll give you 1 wish each!

the Irish man asks for lots of guiness the genie grants that 1

the Frenchman asks for a wall to be put around France so they dont get invaded again, the genie grants that one

the English man said tell me more about the wall the genie says its 150ft tall, with no exit

the Englishman goes

"fill it with water then please"

[JoeyB]

Completely robbed from elsewhere but;

Apparrently Denis Wise has been caught driving around Leeds whilst using his mobile!.......when the police questioned him, he stated that he had to get 3 points from somewhere!!!

Waaaag

Heard this following on from cobbo's:

Apparently he has been telling players to stop using there hands free kits in the car he cant afford 4 them 2 keep wasting the chance to get 3 points

[hairy]

[Leonisco]

Those crazy Croats.

[dhermon]

Understanding Engineers - Take One:

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, Minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a Particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept Golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with Him."

He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us?

They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.

They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The

Graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The

Graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The

Graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last

one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it isn't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it isn't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

[Milky]

:w00t: :laugh:

[fox123]

2 Fleas on a fanny, ones a burgular the others a junkie, how do you tell them apart?.....The burgulars hiding in the bush and the junkies sniffing the crack

[Cobbo]

I was reporting on the Olympics one year and saw this guy carrying a long pole.

Well I went over and asked "are you a Pole Vaulter?"

He responded "No! I'm German and how did you know my name was Walter?"

[morris1234]

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!†The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!â€Â

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.â€Â

[davieG]

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"

The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."

I'm not surprised he told him to go home it must have been uncomfortable on that bar stool.

[stez]

2 Fleas on a fanny, ones a burgular the others a junkie, how do you tell them apart?.....The burgulars hiding in the bush and the junkies sniffing the crack

related, but a bit cleaner:

a wife comes home;

husband: i've killed 7 fies!! 3 females and 4 males

wife: how did you know which was which?

husband: 3 were on the phone, 4 were on the beer!

[holly]

2 fish are in a tank one turns to the other and says "do you know how to drive this thing?"

[holly]

that is quality

[Craig]

2 fish are in a tank one turns to the other and says "do you know how to drive this thing?"

[isaidno]

A man meets a woman at a bar and they go to her place. They're undressing and he drops his trousers. She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says 'when I was young I contracted kneesles'. She says 'you mean measles'. He says 'no, I actually got kneesles'. She shrugs and continues undressing. When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about them. He says 'shortly after the kneesles, I contracted toelio'. She says 'you mean polio?'. He says 'no, I got toelio'. She shrugs it off, until he drops his shorts. She looks again and says 'don't tell me - smallcox'.

[hairy]

[Zingari]

MESSAGE FROM KEN TO FEZ

FINALLY, after going through various virus attacks, losing all info on hard drive drives, fighting off hackers, upgrading all my software, installing fire-walls, being threatened with being cut-off by my email provider, and a host of other technical problems ... I ( with the help of Fez and his team on foxestalk)have fixed my computer... and NOW it works exactly the way I want it;

thanks fez and the gang ; anyone fancy a stiff one tonight ?

sorry i put this in wrong thread , it is in "technical help needed" general chat

Edited 13 March 2007 by Bluesbrother

[Webbo]

A man meets a woman at a bar and they go to her place. They're undressing and he drops his trousers. She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says 'when I was young I contracted kneesles'. She says 'you mean measles'. He says 'no, I actually got kneesles'. She shrugs and continues undressing. When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about them. He says 'shortly after the kneesles, I contracted toelio'. She says 'you mean polio?'. He says 'no, I got toelio'. She shrugs it off, until he drops his shorts. She looks again and says 'don't tell me - smallcox'.

[hairy]

[Zingari]

anyone see that story on the wright stuff today about the woman who bought some duck eggs at the supermarket and they hatched ; the two little ducklings are called splish and splash ahhrrrrr

[Cobbo]

Snow White was thrown out of Disney the other day.

They caught her sitting on Pinocchio's face singing 'Tell me lies tell me sweet little lies'

[dhermon]

Consider:

You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out-of-luck, Or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.

You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.

Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........

Well, Shit Happens!!!