The joke thread

[Head Honcho]

Taffy walks into his bedroom one night with a sheep under his arm. He looks to his wife who's laying in the bed reading and says, "I just wanted you to see for yourself, the pig I gotta screw every time you've gotta damn headache!"

The wife peers over her reading glasses in disgust and replies, "You idiot! That's not a pig, it's a sheep!"

"Shut up woman, I wuz talkin" to the sheep!"

[hairy]

I have a big dog & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was! starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit ! me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid cow..........why else would I buy dog food??

[AoWW]

AND

15 sailors captured for straying into Iranian waters. 14 men and 1 woman.

Doesn't take a genius to work out who was reading the map does it!

Ouch! Or the men just weren't listening.

[Zingari]

don't know if it's in the right thread but it made me laugh

if you cannot read what is said on the tattooo it is a picture of a ruler with the words, " you must be as big as me to enjoy this ride "

[isaidno]

The fire brigade were called out today after an Irishman got stuck to a condom machine. When asked how, he said the machine read " insert two pound coins and push nob in "

[hairy]

[hairy]

Something just should not be posted on public forums

[dhermon]

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said"Well yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because

they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[davieG]

Something just should not be posted on public forums

What a load of made up bollocks, he's so concerned that he puts on the internet so now everyone knows.

[Nationwider]

I am but the conduit...

Apparently, Victoria Beckham has offered the services of her husband to speak at Alan Ball's funeral, what with him being such a dead ball specialist.

[AoWW]

A BRAVE MAN WROTE THIS!.......Brave, but probably dead!

Son asks his mother, "Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

[Geo V]

Not that great but amongst my email inbox tonight....

A women was pregnant with triplets.

One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.

She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.

So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.

The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"

On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" she goes "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

[hairy]

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.

After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?" The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."

So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."

Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough,as long as you'll look after me", and off they go. After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh.

After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Baby pulls his

battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me."

"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f...ing menthol"

[Master Fox]

What do a 9v battery and a woman’s backside have in common?

You know it’s wrong, but sooner or later you will want to put your tongue in both.

Edited 27 April 2007 by Master Fox

[potter3]

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.

After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?" The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."

So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."

Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough,as long as you'll look after me", and off they go. After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh.

After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Baby pulls his

battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me."

"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f...ing menthol"

I've heard the same joke, but with tarmac rather than sweets. To cut a long story short the punchline is:

"I was!" says road, "But those bits of green tarmac are fooking cycle paths"

_____

Doctor, doctor I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's!

Well you can't say fairer than that then!

________

A walks into a bar and oders a drink. The barman gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts. To hus surprise a voice comes from the peanut bowl.

"You look great tonight!" it says, "You really look fantastic....and that aftershave is just wonderful!!"

The man is obviously confused but tries to ignore it.

Realizing he has no cigarettes he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice comes out of the machine.

"You BASTARD... Oh shit you STINK... Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your mother?!"

By now the man is extremely perplexed. He asks the barman for an explanation.

"Ah yes, sir," the barman responds. "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."

Edited 27 April 2007 by potter3

[Unabomber]

A newbie in a prison is sitting next to a typical old timer at lunch, when all of a sudden someone shouts out 23!, and everyone laughs out loud,

seconds later another reckless inmate shouts 54! once again tremendous laughter.

This goes on for a few days with numerous numbers being shouted out, and hysterical laughter,

until one day the newbie decides to ask the old timer what the crack is.

He says that the prison only have one joke book and therefore people know it off by heart so they only need to shout out a number as the other prisoners will know the exact joke, and therefore laugh.

A week or so goes by until the newbie plucks up enough courage to one day give it a go himself.

So after lunch one day the prisoner shouts out 46!!

However complete silence, greets him,not even a murmur.

Confused the newbie asks the old timer what went wrong..

He responds

"Its the way you tell them mate"

[DanTheFoxBhoy]

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth, and it's going to be a place of great balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor.

The Middle East over there will be a hot spot.

Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries.

"And over there, I call this place America. North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America, which is a hot spot. Can you see the balance?"

"Yes," said the Archangel, impressed by God’s work. Then he pointed to a large land mass and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Australia, the most glorious place on Earth".

"There are beautiful mountains, rain forests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous, and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable cricket, rugby, tennis and golf players who'll be admired and feared by all who come across them".

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then exclaimed "But you said there would be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the whingeing, sheep-rooting Kiwi bastards I'm putting next to them."

[samingram_uk]

Yo Moma is so fat, when she walked infront of the TV,

You missed the whole football Season.

[lookwhaticando]

So a guy and his best friend go to the bathroom and start pissing in the urinals. The first guy sighed heavily, his friend asks him what's wrong.

"I wish I had a dick like my cousins'"

"Why's that?" asked the friend

"It's so big he needs all 5 fingers to hold it while he pees"

"Oh, but aren't you using all 5 to hold yours now?" asked the friend

"Yeah..." he answered

"....but I'm pissing on 3 of them!"

[lookwhaticando]

Dear Technical IT Support,

Eighteen months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking

Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However,

there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the

only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound

turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible

with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 31, Football

4.5, and Playboy 6.9 and successive versions of GirlFriend have

proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and

left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for

several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the

same time, only to discover that, when these two systems detected

each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this

product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0

tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled

with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2004.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be

very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were

automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.

They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter,

and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These

latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what

the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly,

requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express

which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0

attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often

crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called

MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could

be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if

Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of Your Money

before uninstalling itself. Can you please urgently advise the best

course of action.

Edited 29 April 2007 by lookwhaticando

[l444ry]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men went to use the toilet.

Those who remained started talking about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his

best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.

The second guy said, "Damn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to

become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a

brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction

company and is now a multi-millionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square

foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the toilet and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"The fourth man replied: "My son is homosexual and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "That's such a shame...what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he

received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.

[DanTheFoxBhoy]

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cellphone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!

"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been anguishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!

"For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "Just messing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

[Sparky]

a bloke just offered me a new job , £600 a week to work for the brittle bone society , so i snapped his hand off !

[stez]

a bloke just offered me a new job , £600 a week to work for the brittle bone society , so i snapped his hand off !

beautiful, absolutely beautiful. that will be used, by me, tomorrow.

[davieG]

Meanwhile a farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos.

Unfortunately he now has a problem with squatters!