The joke thread

[Louise]

Guy is hosting a fancy dress party, he opens his door to a man on all fours with a woman on his back. Other than their positions they're dressed normally.

"Hi," says the man, "what have you come as?"

"A tortoise" says the man on all fours.

"And what about her?" asks the host.

"Oh, that's Michelle".

My lecturer told this joke the other day. Brilliant.

[hairy]

FBI Top 12 Deaths of the Year

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1- Alex Mijtus,36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20 inch Long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had had enough of her husband's strange sex practices and one night during a prolonged session of fun she snapped, pushing all 20 inches of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding.

2- Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.

3- Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her fathers coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realize what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.

4- David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl friend after he attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a double-barrelled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends') father had given it to her an hour before the date started, just in case.

5- Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realized just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent.

6- Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and yelled Boo! The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting the target.

She just looked like a very real looking target, one of the troopers stated in his report.

7- Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken aerial.

8- Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbor. Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eyeshadow with a Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning.

Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check up.

9- Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was heard by several persons some up to 14 kilometers away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found, only a 55 meter deep crater, and 500m of missing road.

10- Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbor in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbor, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole situation.

What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.

11- Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard With a Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, Into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board that read Death to all N!!gers! on one side, and God Loves the KKK on the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off.

Two minutes later Berry was deceased.

12- Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents' passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell.

After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later, and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas.

He then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, "Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me, Brian." Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process.

Edited 22 February 2007 by hairy

[Zingari]

from last post

5- Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realized just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent.

the police had nothing to go on

Edited 22 February 2007 by Bluesbrother

[wazza fox]

David Beckham has gone crazy believing his wife Posh has been having an affair on him. In his rage, he goes out and buys a gun. He rushes home to confront his wife, and finds her in bed with none other than Luis Figo. Devistated, Beckham takes out the gun and points it at his own head. "No, David don't do it." Posh cries jumping up from her spot underneathe the covers. "I'm sorry and I know we can work this out." "Shut up and sit back." Beckham replies. "You're next."

[Wycombe Fox]

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a cake.

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."

She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get big boobs as well."

[Wycombe Fox]

Female dwarf goes to doctors and says "My fanny is sore"

The doctor looks and says "It's not too serious. I'm sure I can help with the problem. Can you pass me the scissors from the table?"

After snipping away for a few minutes he says "Is that better?"

The dwarf says "Yes that's a lot better. What did you do?"

"Nothing really" said the doctor, "I just cut two inches from the tops off your wellies"

Edited 23 February 2007 by Isle of Wight Fox

[Leonisco]

9- Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was heard by several persons some up to 14 kilometers away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found, only a 55 meter deep crater, and 500m of missing road.

11- Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard With a Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, Into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board that read Death to all N!!gers! on one side, and God Loves the KKK on the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off.

Two minutes later Berry was deceased.

Got to admit I laughed at those two.

[lcfcalan]

Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic

This was forwarded to me from an associate. I thought it was clever.

"The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Q uestion: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law ( gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed ) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and

pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, " it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am

sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving

the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A "

[potter3]

Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic.......

What? I've no idea what that was about, and I actually know what Endo and Exothermic means

[Wycombe Fox]

Why Women Are Like football Pitches

1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play.

2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.

3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends, but one end per 45 minutes is favourable.

4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.

5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground.

6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.

7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley,also,never mention pitches previously visited.

8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.

9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact coroner.

10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back.

11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.

12. Always tread carefully when leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel.

13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.

14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.

15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie.

16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.

17. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.

18. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.

19. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week

[Bloomer]

Student: Hallo is that the Whu Flung Shet Chinese Restaurant?

Sum Yung Gy: Herro yes it is fang yu for call wha ca I ge yu?

Student: Do you do takeaway?

Sum Yung Gy: Ov core we do!

Student: OK, whats 437.63 take away 325.56!!

[Daggers]

Student: Hallo is that the...

[stez]

one day...........

simon was laying on his death bed, barely able to move, when he smelt the aroma of his favourite food (scoans/sconns) scones being cooked by his wife.

summoning the last of his strength reserves he manages to drag himself downstairs and to the kitchen and there on the table is a rack of scones cooling. reaching, he manages to grasp one and take a bite.

it's then he feels a pain in the back of his legs, arms, neck and head.

"i'm dying" he thinks

then he hears his wife.

"get off those scones" she bellows while hitting him with a wooden spoon "they're for your funeral!"

[Bloomer]

Baz was in the backroom having a bit of a fumble with his bird before having his tea round her house, it got pretty heavy and was brought to an abrupt halt when her mam called them in for tea.

Sitting down at the table Baz wolfed down his tea and said these fishcakes are lovely Mrs.

They were Scones Baz came the reply.

[Phube]

[Alexikokopops]

the Bones.

[the_bowman]

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, “Where have you been?â€Â

“I've been to the pub,†slurs the drunk.

“Well,†says the cop, “it looks like you've had quite a few.â€Â

“I did alright,†the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,†says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?â€Â

“Oh, thank heavens,†sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.â€Â

[Leicfox]

An 8yr old boy was today on TV asked what his favourite musical instrument was, the fat ****t said the dinner bell.

[Thracian]

Comedian to a lady member of the audience:

"I wish you wouldn't sit facing the stage with your legs apart - it reminds me of the wife.

Why? Well as you ask my wife's got the most enormous fanny. And I mean huge. If you shout down it you get an echo.

In fact so enormous that I had to satisfy my curiousity so I took her to the medical centre and I said to the doctor...

"I hope you don't mind but would you examine my wife's fanny."

So the doctor laid her on the coach and after a little pushing and prodding he said: "To be quite honest I can't see anything wrong with her fanny."

"It's not what's wrong it's that I I want your opinion.

"Is that not the biggest fanny you've ever seen."

'Well I have to admit its a big one' said the doctor, 'a very big one'.

But is it the biggest fanny you've ever seen? Is it a record?.

'Oh I don't know about that. Not sure about it being the biggest.'

'But it'll sure take some licking.'

Edited 2 March 2007 by Thracian

[hairy]

Some test answers

[dhermon]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a

favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limit, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it

through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have

anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your

waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

[Cobbo]

Completely robbed from elsewhere but;

Apparrently Denis Wise has been caught driving around Leeds whilst using his mobile!.......when the police questioned him, he stated that he had to get 3 points from somewhere!!!

Waaaag

[Simi]

Completely robbed from elsewhere but;

Apparrently Denis Wise has been caught driving around Leeds whilst using his mobile!.......when the police questioned him, he stated that he had to get 3 points from somewhere!!!

Waaaag

. Love that.

Also the test answers are always classics.

[Guest Gist]

Completely robbed from elsewhere but;

Apparrently Denis Wise has been caught driving around Leeds whilst using his mobile!.......when the police questioned him, he stated that he had to get 3 points from somewhere!!!

Waaaag

Love it

[Daggers]

Hairy's photobucket test answer bonanza

I hardly ever look in this thread - I'm so glad I did - I have tears rolling down my cheeks