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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Bloomer

Bloomer

Posted
Posted

Reports are coming in of a tragic accident in the Theatre at the end of Torquay Pier. Amazing Marvin the Magician accidently turned a family, Mr and Mrs Fadge and their daughter Philys, in to a large sofa and two armchairs. A spokesman for the Torquay General has said that all three are extremely comfortable. :blink:

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hairy

hairy

Posted
Posted

Some funny stuff about tv:

1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

6. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

8. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

11. People on TV never finish their drinks.

12. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

13. The chief of police is always wrong.

14. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

15. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15 cm.

16. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

17. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

18. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

19. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

20. Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.

21. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

22. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.

23. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

24. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

25. All single women have a cat.

26. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

27. Even when driving down a completely straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

28. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

29. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

30. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello? Hello?"

31. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating >accident.

32. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

33. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

34. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

35. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

36. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

37. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

38. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.

39. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

40. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.

41. You can always find a chainsaw whenever you're likely to need one.

42. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

43. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

44. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.

45. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red displays, showing exactly when the device will detonate.

46. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

47. Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always find a new one.

48. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging.

49. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

50. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps

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Stinkenzo

Stinkenzo

Posted
Posted (edited)

Your driving a bus;

  • 6 people get on

  • 7 people get off

At the next stop;

  • 15 people get on

  • 8 people get off

At the next stop;

  • 3 people get on

  • 11 people get off

At the next stop;

  • 7 people get off

  • 4 people get off

At the next stop;

  • 20 people get on

  • 14 people get off

At the next stop;

  • 6 people get on

  • 11 people get off.

Who's driving the bus?

Edited by Christopher
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Alexikokopops

Alexikokopops

Posted
Posted

Your driving a bus;

  • 6 people get on

  • 7 people get off

At the next stop;

  • 15 people get on

  • 8 people get off

At the next stop;

  • 3 people get on

  • 11 people get off

At the next stop;

  • 7 people get off

  • 4 people get off

At the next stop;

  • 20 people get on

  • 14 people get off

At the next stop;

  • 6 people get on

  • 11 people get off.

Who's driving the bus?

That really doesn't work when you write it down.

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potter3

potter3

Posted
Posted (edited)

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Derby fan!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."

Edited by potter3
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Rincewind

Rincewind

Posted
Posted

Thought there was a joke sticky thread.

A suyveyer knocks on a door and a young women answers with three kids running around.

Excuse me madam,' he says, 'I'm doing research into vasaline, do you use it?

'Yes'

'And what do you use it for?'

'Well me and my husband use it for sex.'

'That's very honest of you madam people usually lie and say they use it for a bycicle or something else, do you mind telling me how you use it?

'Not at all ' the woman replies, 'we put in on the bedroom doorknob to keep the kids out'

Next one is better.

An 86 year old woman in court.

Prosecuter: Tell me what happened on 1st April 2006

Old lady: Well I was sitting outside when this young man walked by and smiled at me.

Prosecuter:Did you mind that?

OL: Oh no, its been a long time since anyone smiled at me in that way.'

Pros:Then he sat beside you and what did he do?

OL: He started to rub my thighs.

Pros: You told him to stop?

OL Oh no! I've not felt like that since before my Albert passed away.

Pros:What then?

OL: He started to touch my breasts and I tingled all inside.

Pros: You did not try to stop him?

OL: No I got down on the floor and shouted 'take me, take me'

Pros: He ravaged you?

OL: No, he shouted APril Fool and started to run away, that's when I shot the bastard.'

:D:D:D:D:D

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dhermon

dhermon

Posted
Posted

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following

characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to

pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and

reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply

accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut

down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times

as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by

a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to

let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed

hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all

over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine OFF.

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davieG

davieG

Posted
Posted

nicked form another forum.

53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a "Geordies Are Not Stupid"

convention.

Alan Shearer addresses the crowd "We are all here today to prove to

the world that Geordies are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please,

Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

Shearer asks him "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza

shouts Seventy.

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Geordies start

chanting "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

Shearer says "Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press

and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.

So he asks "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds he eventually

says," Ninety?"

Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.

Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying.

But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands

shouting "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good Eventually

says, "What is 2 plus 2?"

Silence hangs over the stadium. Gazza closes his eyes, and after a

whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd

stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and

scream..................

....

"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

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davieG

davieG

Posted
Posted

AND

15 sailors captured for straying into Iranian waters. 14 men and 1 woman.

Doesn't take a genius to work out who was reading the map does it!

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