FC City of Leicester

[Jimmy2Drags]

Player fails Drugs Test

A current member of the FC City of Leicester squad has failed a drugs test, the player will remain unnamed until investigations are completed fully. Assistant Manager Stevosevic had little to say on the matter claiming "it is a matter for the club to deal with internally at the moment" and refused to reveal more. More from Skysports News as it happens...

Sounds to me like young Shingler's been at the Ketamin again

[Corky]

Go to the wine bars

FC City of Leicester's new left-back Corky has hit out at fans who have stated their concerns about his signing.

"Who are these people to say "Who is he? Is he good enough?". These people will probably sit there moaning about not being entertained if we aren't 4-0 up inside 10 minutes, have unrealistic expectations. No passion for the club at all, just see it as a nice day out. They can sit in the wine bars and spend their money, we don't need them".

Corky has a chequered history with his own club's supporters, including an altercation at a supermarket after one irate fan said "he should be left back..........in the changing room".

[The People's Hero]

Triallist leaves club in acrimonious circumstances

An unknown cultured midfielder, believed to be mid-twenties and carrying a few extra pounds has been ordered from the training ground after an incident with another as yet unnamed players' girlfriend. Whilst the midfielders' trademark is a lazy style, slick turns and incisive through balls, he was anything but lazy, patient and cultured as he left the training ground at great speed, pausing only to shout 'OLE' and thrust what can only be described as his 'tallywhacker' in the direction of his angry (no longer) potential teammates.

A number of women have come forward claiming to be the object of the mystery man's desires. It is thought that many of these are simply cases of 'wishful thinking' - or was the chubby rogue busier than first thought? An investigation will follow.

[Fosse Boy]

Dear Manager/Chairman,

I need to siphon off some money from the transfer fund in order to purchase some stamps for my secretarial work. Does this sparkle with you?

Regards,

A.F.I. Essex

(Club Secretary)

[Tilley]

Been watching this guy for a while,

Oluwafemi Ajilore, a Nigerian, who plays for FC Groningen in central midfield.

Scored a whopping 6 goals from 96 appearances when playing for FC Midtjylland & has gone on to secure 9 starts for FC Groningen, scoring 0 goals.

Manchester United had a bid rejected yesterday,

Sign him up boss!

[Ric Flair]

Just like the Romanians all did in the 94 World Cup, I request we all dye our hair blonde for the opening game of the season.

Also, has the Captain been nominated yet?

[Tilley]

Also, made a few phone calls & this guy can be ours on a season long loan for a minimal fee,

Name: Excellent Walaza

Age: 21

Height: 5 ft 8 in

Position: Striker

Current Club: Orlando Pirates

He has scored an impressive 14 times in 39 appearances & has also represented his country, gaining one cap for South Africa.

Think he could do the business.

[Ric Flair]

Also, made a few phone calls & this guy can be ours on a season long loan for a minimal fee,

Name: Excellent Walaza

Age: 21

Height: 5 ft 8 in

Position: Striker

Current Club: Orlando Pirates

He has scored an impressive 14 times in 39 appearances & has also represented his country, gaining one cap for South Africa.

Think he could do the business.

Wahaaaa, he looks the business.

Thug life. Gerrim in.

[Milky]

Triallist leaves club in acrimonious circumstances

An unknown cultured midfielder, believed to be mid-twenties and carrying a few extra pounds has been ordered from the training ground after an incident with another as yet unnamed players' girlfriend. Whilst the midfielders' trademark is a lazy style, slick turns and incisive through balls, he was anything but lazy, patient and cultured as he left the training ground at great speed, pausing only to shout 'OLE' and thrust what can only be described as his 'tallywhacker' in the direction of his angry (no longer) potential teammates.

A number of women have come forward claiming to be the object of the mystery man's desires. It is thought that many of these are simply cases of 'wishful thinking' - or was the chubby rogue busier than first thought? An investigation will follow.

[James.]

Dear Manager/Chairman,

I need to siphon off some money from the transfer fund in order to purchase some stamps for my secretarial work. Does this sparkle with you?

Regards,

A.F.I. Essex

(Club Secretary)

Dear A.F.I. Essex

Do you not think that such queries should be addressed to the Finance Director? I am currently siphoning off transfer funds for the following purposes:

1. My lapdancing venture in Sweden.

2. Blonde hair dye for the team ala the '94 Romania squad.

3. Cocaine.

As such it is with regret that I am unable to entertain your query for the time being.

Regards

Mr. James

[Tilley]

Finally, this guy is the rock at the back that we need, boss.

Name: Jonathan Quartey

Age: 20

Height: 6 ft 1 in

Position: Central Defender

Current Club: Kaiser Chiefs FC

Here he is in action against Manchester United in a pre season friendly, Rooney didn't stand a chance.

No nonsense defender & after financial difficulties, Kaiser Chiefs are willing to sell on the cheap.

There is the three players I believe will take this club forward.

[Maybes]

Tilley, Tommy G pisses all over them.

[Tilley]

Tilley, Tommy G pisses all over them.

We'll see Mr. Maybury.

I've faxed all their clubs & all have agreed to one week trials.

Just need the manager & chariman to oversee it and we're on.

[Floating Fox]

Tilley, Tommy G pisses all over them.

Literally.

[Ross-Kemp]

Dear A.F.I. Essex

Do you not think that such queries should be addressed to the Finance Director? I am currently siphoning off transfer funds for the following purposes:

1. My lapdancing venture in Sweden.

2. Blonde hair dye for the team ala the '94 Romania squad.

3. Cocaine.

As such it is with regret that I am unable to entertain your query for the time being.

Regards

Mr. James

Kempov doesn't have hair

And cocaine

[James.]

Finance Director in drugs vice shame

Mr J. The Blue, the current finance director at fledgling club FC City of Leicester, has today had shameful vice and drug activities exposed after an e mail to the Club Secretary was mistakenly posted on popular fans messageboard Foxestalk.

In the e mail the director talked of his "lapdancing venture in Sweden", now known to be in reference to a squalid vice den located just outside Hinckley. Comments referring to siphoning transfer cash to fund an apparent crippling cocaine habit were also made.

The club have so far refused to comment. Mr The Blue was also unavailable however this is sure to ramp up the pressure on the Chairman to clamp down on illegal activities conducted by senior staff. An insider at the club said, "Mr the Blue is a respected member of FC City of Leicester and has always conducted himself with the highest regard for personal integrity and the integrity of the club he loves, these comments come as a shock to many, apart from Ric Flair who had already earnt a loyalty card at the vice den even though it's not even open to the public yet".

[Ric Flair]

Get Peter Canero in to play just behind the strikers, we'll clear up.

[Tevez]

We've got a game to play in a week and it comes to this. There will be some meetings to discuss people's futures.

[Fosse Boy]

Dear A.F.I. Essex

Do you not think that such queries should be addressed to the Finance Director? I am currently siphoning off transfer funds for the following purposes:

1. My lapdancing venture in Sweden.

2. Blonde hair dye for the team ala the '94 Romania squad.

3. Cocaine.

As such it is with regret that I am unable to entertain your query for the time being.

Regards

Mr. James

Dear Mr. James,

Apologies for not directing my query to you, I will make sure that I consult you in future on such matters. Also, I believe that the official team cocaine supplier, a Mr. C.Lewis, is currently incarcerated. Perhaps the club should consider importing its own 'merchandise' in future? Just a thought.

Regards,

A.F.I. Essex

[DB11]

Has there even been time for a training session

[Corky]

Has there even been time for a training session

Tomorrow morning is the first training session, according to Robbo.

Get with the times 'keeper

[Simi]

Britain's Got Talent!

I've been looking at a few young kids throughout England, nothing concrete yet though, but I think I have come across an undiscovered gem.

Damon Trown.

Could do with losing a couple of pounds, but if he does, I think we might have a superstar on our hands.

However, it is thought that he could disturb training ground morale with his constant close to the bone jokes about young girls.

[Shrenchel]

Got a physio yet?

I got three paracetamol in the cupboard and promise to run my hand worryingly far up the players' inner thighs.

[The Stig]

Updated Squad List

1.DB11 (GK)

2. NSLL (RB)

3. Corky (LB)

4. R.Kempov (CB)

5. Sparky (CB)

6. Singh (LRC-B)

7. American Scott (I wanted to bring the American "Edge" to FC Leicester) (CM)

8. Ric Flair (AMF) Swedish International Coup.

9.Bert (ST)

10. Allard (AMF)

11.Fox In Essex (LM)

13. SosbanFach (ST)

14. Cardiff Fox (CB)

15. Jake Shingler

16.Carlos9

22. Fez (RM)

26. Kokopops (GK)

33. Dusdan Tedic (RCD-DM-CF)

32. Stevie 909

44. Tevez (ANC) (Anchorman)

Any Press Statements to be PM'd to me

Young pleased with appointment:

After coming out of the first training session, Striker Rob Young has shown his delight at the new managerial appointment.

"I'm very pleased, the gaffer is the perfect man for the job, and is not only the right man to bring my game on, but the right man for the club. In the first session, he let everyone know that he was the manager, what will and won't go on at the club, what he expects from the players, and how he wants us to get playing, credit must go to the chairman on a quality appointment"

[Carlos9]

You missed me out