What's the worst crap you've ever taken?

[Bilo]

19 hours ago, StanSP said:

Of all the things in this thread, this creeps me out. All manner of things could have been on/in that bit of paper

 

I'd have plumped for the safer option and run my leather Cheerio under the tap in the urinal or the sink. 

[westernpark]

Had a lot of chilli oil on my pizza at Peter Pizzeria last night and this morning has reminded me of this thread. Probably shouldn’t have had the Bombay bites a few hours later on the way home too.

[Zear0]

On 01/11/2024 at 11:01, Vacamion said:

I just want to add that I never realised that when people talk about "The Pyramid" at Glastonbury, they were not talking about the stage.

 

Or so I found out when opening the door to the portacrappers there in the 1990s with 3 days worth of full guts.

 

 

It's the biohazard tape they just strap to the door when someone's left an unshiftable jobbie on the seat there that got me. 

[chrishlcfc]

Not necessarily the worst ever but a bit of a live update. I’d give trap one 5 minutes in Maccies in town if I were you  

[Free Falling Foxes]

My second entry on this thread and although not the worst crap I've taken, it does involve faeces and it happened tonight.

I was home alone and under strict instructions from Mrs. FFF not to miss a delivery that was due.

Sods law, the door went just as I was cleaning myself after a good shit.

This essential piece of personal hygiene could not be completed by paper alone on this occasion, and I needed to wash my hairy arse.

My soapy hand was just cleaning that very area when the door bell went.

Keen to avoid my wifes wrath, I panicked.

My underware and trousers were quickly pulled up over my still wet arse and my unwashed hands quickly wiped on a towel.

I opened the door to accept the parcel.

The guy needed me to sign for it and he offered his stylus to sign his phone screen.

Aware of my largely unwashed and still slightly wet hands, I asked if it was absolutely necessary. It was, he said.

I scribbled quickly and gave it back to him. To make matters worse, he then held the stylus in his mouth why he put his phone away.

I felt it was best not to tell him.

 

 

 

Edited 5 November 2024 by Free Falling Foxes

[Miquel The Work Geordie]

Just had a corker myself, a real wipe and go job. Like an F1 pitstop

[Zear0]

8 minutes ago, Miquel The Work Geordie said:

Just had a corker myself, a real wipe and go job. Like an F1 pitstop

If you had the minerals and self-confidence you'd have just stood up and left. Such a cop out to give it a cautionary wipe. 

[RonnieTodger]

Nature called in Club Republic. There were no locks on the cubicle doors (presumably to prevent the taking of Class As), so I had to use one leg to force it shut.

 

I could hear complaints and disappointment from outside. A guy with a modern South London accent shouted “wtf man who goes for a poo in a nightclub?”.

 

It went quiet so I thought it was safe to leave. I was confronted by said man and saw that the other cubicle door was shut, so blamed it on them and scarpered. 

Edited 6 November 2024 by RonnieTodger

[Bilo]

I did one recently that was so huge that I had to break it up with an old wooden spoon before it would flush. 

 

It didn't even make a splash.

[Royston.]

few weeks back went shopping and had a Costa which i drank too quickly.

 

daughter wanted to go to the Range to look at the Christmas decorations,

 

whilst in the Range i was desperate for some relief so went to the customer toilets,

 

15 seconds into porcelain melting paradise and the fire alarm goes off,

 

I think to myself, oh well this is how i die, finish the job, casually walk out into an empty store and stroll out into the car park where about 100 customers are all standing impatiently, waiting to go back inside.

 

(No my antics didnt set the alarm off, someone burned toast in the cafe)

[Miquel The Work Geordie]

Just went in for a piss on a two carriage northern service from Leeds to Sheffield and **** me, I felt like the warm up going on after the headliner. I don't know what the previous occupant had managed to do but it looked like a big art attack 

[Chiltern Fox]

On 05/11/2024 at 23:31, Miquel The Work Geordie said:

Just had a corker myself, a real wipe and go job. Like an F1 pitstop

Quite possible with the dry rabbit variety 😄 

Edited 6 December 2024 by Chiltern Fox

[FOXYTALK]

Happened this afternoon. After a chippy lunch and some post lunch sacks it was time to sink the bismark. After my business I tried to flush the chain to no avail. I did the right thing and placed an out or order sign on the door. A quick email to maintenence 5 mins before leaving. It's going to be stewing for 3 days until the poor chap resolves it. 

[Bilo]

Bringing back this thread due to flashbacks.

 

I was about 13 or 14 and went fishing on the towpath not far from Kilby Bridge when I needed to curl one out. Realising I was too far away from a toilet, I decided to go behind some bushes and wipe my arse on some Maths homework. Fear not, I redid it when I got home.

 

Anyway, the turd was like a BMX handle grip and it would have been obvious to anyone that no dog could have passed it without an epidural. Very clearly human shit. 

 

So I skewered it with my rod stand and hurled it in the canal. My mate was appalled. Not my finest hour.

Edited 14 March by Bilo

[Parafox]

2 hours ago, Bilo said:

Bringing back this thread due to flashbacks.

 

I was about 13 or 14 and went fishing on the towpath not far from Kilby Bridge when I needed to curl one out. Realising I was too far away from a toilet, I decided to go behind some bushes and wipe my arse on some Maths homework. Fear not, I redid it when I got home.

 

Anyway, the turd was like a BMX handle grip and it would have been obvious to anyone that no dog could have passed it without an epidural. Very clearly human shit. 

 

So I skewered it with my rod stand and hurled it in the canal. My mate was appalled. Not my finest hour.

 

I was swimming in the canal at Kilby several years ago and some fecker threw a shit at me.

 

I don't forget these things.

 

 

[Bilo]

8 hours ago, Parafox said:

 

I was swimming in the canal at Kilby several years ago and some fecker threw a shit at me.

 

I don't forget these things.

 

 

I think this one would have knocked you clean out. Well, not clean.