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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted
23 hours ago, kristianity77 said:

Now I’m not saying you are gay or anything, but I bet you eat a mars bar upside down just so you can feel the veins on your tongue.

 

Similarly the ripples on a double Bounty bar. And the smaller chunks are easier to get up yer arse. :schmike:

davieG

davieG

Posted
Posted
On 24/03/2025 at 18:37, kristianity77 said:

Now I’m not saying you are gay or anything, but I bet you eat a mars bar upside down just so you can feel the veins on your tongue.

 

36 minutes ago, Parafox said:

 

Similarly the ripples on a double Bounty bar. And the smaller chunks are easier to get up yer arse. :schmike:

You seem very knowledgeable and experienced.

Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, davieG said:

 

You seem very knowledgeable and experienced.

 

In my career I've seen things no bloke should ever see  :blink:

davieG

davieG

Posted
Posted

Another oldie

 

Dave was a great worker—social, friendly, and always on top of his tasks. But there was one problem: he never attended any company events. Eventually, his boss had enough and called him into the office.
“Dave,” his boss said, arms crossed, “why can’t you be a team player and show up to these events? It’s like you’re avoiding everyone.”
Dave sighed. “Boss, it’s not that I don’t want to come, I just already know so many people. I barely have time for all the famous folks I know.”
His boss scoffed. “Oh, come on, Dave. You? Knowing famous people? That’s ridiculous. Name one.”
Dave shrugged. “Go ahead, name anyone. I bet I know them.”
The boss smirked, ready to call his bluff. “Fine. Tom Cruise. You know Tom Cruise?”
“Oh, Tommy? Yeah, we go way back. I can prove it.”
Skeptical but intrigued, the boss agreed to fly out to Hollywood. When they arrived at Tom Cruise’s house and knocked on the door, Tom himself answered and beamed.
“Dave! My guy! What’s up? Come in for a beer!”
The boss’s jaw dropped. But he wasn’t fully convinced. “Okay, that was a lucky guess. Name someone else.”
Dave grinned. “Go ahead.”
“President Xavier.”
“Old buddy of mine. Let’s head to D.C.”
When they arrived at the White House, the President spotted Dave in the tour group, broke away from security, and gave him a big hug.
“Dave! What a surprise! I was just about to head into a meeting, but let’s catch up over a drink first.”
At this point, the boss was shaking. But he wasn’t done yet. “Alright, Dave. If you’re really as connected as you say, tell me this—do you know Pope Larry?”
Dave chuckled. “Oh, for sure. Let’s go to the Vatican.”
So off they flew to Rome. The crowd at St. Peter’s Square was massive, and Dave knew they’d never spot him from below. “Boss, I’ll be right back. I know the guards—I’ll go up and wave from the balcony with the Pope.”
True to his word, half an hour later, Dave stepped onto the balcony with the Pope, waving at the crowd. But when he returned, he found his boss collapsed on the ground, paramedics tending to him.
“Boss! What happened?” Dave asked, alarmed.
His boss, still gasping for air, looked up and wheezed, “It was too much… when you came out on the balcony, the guy next to me said, ‘Who the heck is that up there with Dave?’”
  • Haha 3
Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, davieG said:

Another oldie

 

Dave was a great worker—social, friendly, and always on top of his tasks. But there was one problem: he never attended any company events. Eventually, his boss had enough and called him into the office.
“Dave,” his boss said, arms crossed, “why can’t you be a team player and show up to these events? It’s like you’re avoiding everyone.”
Dave sighed. “Boss, it’s not that I don’t want to come, I just already know so many people. I barely have time for all the famous folks I know.”
His boss scoffed. “Oh, come on, Dave. You? Knowing famous people? That’s ridiculous. Name one.”
Dave shrugged. “Go ahead, name anyone. I bet I know them.”
The boss smirked, ready to call his bluff. “Fine. Tom Cruise. You know Tom Cruise?”
“Oh, Tommy? Yeah, we go way back. I can prove it.”
Skeptical but intrigued, the boss agreed to fly out to Hollywood. When they arrived at Tom Cruise’s house and knocked on the door, Tom himself answered and beamed.
“Dave! My guy! What’s up? Come in for a beer!”
The boss’s jaw dropped. But he wasn’t fully convinced. “Okay, that was a lucky guess. Name someone else.”
Dave grinned. “Go ahead.”
“President Xavier.”
“Old buddy of mine. Let’s head to D.C.”
When they arrived at the White House, the President spotted Dave in the tour group, broke away from security, and gave him a big hug.
“Dave! What a surprise! I was just about to head into a meeting, but let’s catch up over a drink first.”
At this point, the boss was shaking. But he wasn’t done yet. “Alright, Dave. If you’re really as connected as you say, tell me this—do you know Pope Larry?”
Dave chuckled. “Oh, for sure. Let’s go to the Vatican.”
So off they flew to Rome. The crowd at St. Peter’s Square was massive, and Dave knew they’d never spot him from below. “Boss, I’ll be right back. I know the guards—I’ll go up and wave from the balcony with the Pope.”
True to his word, half an hour later, Dave stepped onto the balcony with the Pope, waving at the crowd. But when he returned, he found his boss collapsed on the ground, paramedics tending to him.
“Boss! What happened?” Dave asked, alarmed.
His boss, still gasping for air, looked up and wheezed, “It was too much… when you came out on the balcony, the guy next to me said, ‘Who the heck is that up there with Dave?’”

 

Well that's 3.5 mins of my life I'll never get back. :Plol

  • Haha 1
davieG

davieG

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Parafox said:

 

Well that's 3.5 mins of my life I'll never get back. :Plol

I think they call them Shaggy Dog Stories.

 

  1. a long, rambling story or joke, typically one that is amusing only because it is absurdly inconsequential or pointless.
  • Haha 2
Facecloth

Facecloth

Posted
Posted

Why did The Chuckle Brothers never have kids?

 

Because Barry had a vasectomy and Paul had a vasectoyou.

  • Haha 4
glenny_fox

glenny_fox

Posted
Posted

The Mrs asked me to get more in touch with my feminine side.

 

So I went for a drive, crashed the car and spent the next day or so saying it was her fault.

bovril

bovril

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, Facecloth said:

Why did The Chuckle Brothers never have kids?

 

Because Barry had a vasectomy and Paul had a vasectoyou.

Barry actually fathered around 10 children to various women out of wedlock. 

Tommy G

Tommy G

Posted
Posted
On 24/03/2025 at 18:37, kristianity77 said:

Now I’m not saying you are gay or anything, but I bet you eat a mars bar upside down just so you can feel the veins on your tongue.

On a serious note eat buttered toast upside down it tastes loads better. Try it. Butter generally wont taste as good when it hits the roof of your mouth vs tongue. 

  • Like 1
Wakeyfox

Wakeyfox

Posted
Posted
30 minutes ago, Tommy G said:

On a serious note eat buttered toast upside down it tastes loads better. Try it. Butter generally wont taste as good when it hits the roof of your mouth vs tongue. 

Also do this with pizza, would recommend 

  • Like 1
Bilo

Bilo

Posted
Posted

The weather's been so nice today that my next door neighbour with the massive tits has been outside gardening topless. 

 

I just wish his wife would give him a shirt.

  • Haha 1
The Fox Covert

The Fox Covert

Posted
Posted

A farmer in Zummerzet sees a bloke drinking from his stream and shouts, 'Wassup! Ee doan wanna be drinking dat, it's fulla' horse piss an' cow dung!' 

The man says 'I'm from London and I have just purchased a property in the village. Can you speak a bit more slowly, please?'

The farmer replies 'If you use two hands you won't spill any!'

  • Haha 1
Parafox

Parafox

Posted
Posted (edited)
5 hours ago, The Fox Covert said:

I took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge £15. I gave my suit to the charity shop next door. They cleaned it and pressed it and put in their window. Next day I bought it for £4.50!

 

I volunteered in a charity shop and what you say is true except we didn't clean them, just sprayed them with Febreeze. lol

Edited by Parafox
  • Haha 3

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