The joke thread

[Trav Le Bleu]

I went to the doctor's the other day about my insomnia.

 

I asked, "is it serious?"

 

He replied, "well there's no need for any alarm."

[Trav Le Bleu]

I thought I saw Shaggy today.

 

It wasn't him.

[Parafox]

10 hours ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

I thought I saw Shaggy today.

 

It wasn't him.

 

Was he in your bathroom?

[Trav Le Bleu]

Did you know that after surgery on his back, Quasimodo changed his name to Humphrey?

[davieG]

Reminds me of this joke.

 

Quasimodo is drinking at a bar. He sees this extremely drunk woman. He starts chatting her up and one thing leads to another and they wind up in bed back at Quasimodo’s room at Notre Dame.

The girl wakes up the next morning severely hung over and with little recollection of where she is and who she slept with. She pulls the sheet off Quasimodo’s sleeping form and is so revolted that she vomits all over him.

Quasimodo wakes with a start and looks at the mess he is covered in. “Wha...what happened?”

“You, you disgusting creature! You took advantage of me last night when I was drunk! I woke up this morning and I didn’t know where I was or who I had been with. I pulled the sheet back to see your repulsive body, and I was so disgusted that I vomited all over you!”

“Thank God for that. I thought my hump had burst!”

[Trav Le Bleu]

I was arrested for impersonating Engelbert Humperdinck yesterday, but the police released me, let me go.

[Filbertblue]

A Tottenham fan went into a travel agent and asked where in England is a good place to visit. 

The travel agent said, "You can't beat Leicester!" 

[Trav Le Bleu]

6 hours ago, Filbertblue said:

A Tottenham fan went into a travel agent and asked where in England is a good place to visit. 

The travel agent said, "You can't beat Leicester!" 

A Leicester fan went into a travel age t and asked where in England is a good place to visit.

 

The travel agent said, "you can't beat anywhere else."

[Parafox]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said 'I want to be a movie star.' Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, 'What's your name?'

The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'

The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name.'

'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever..'

The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.'

'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

'Dear Sir, five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice.'

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

Edited 22 April 2025 by Parafox

[Guest Bilo]

Not so much a joke as the most hilariously repulsive poem ever written.

 

“The Ballad of Bonnie Blue’s Fanny”

 

They say it’s not a neat slit —
no gentle fold, no dainty bloom.
It’s a grenade in a deli counter,
pastrami shrapnel flying past the smoked meats,
a bucket of smashed crabs tipped over
in a pub kitchen during lunch rush.

It’s a pulled-apart cheese toastie,
gutsy and stringing, molten and proud,
an overflowing Turkish kebab
dripping with garlic sauce and shame,
stuffed into warm pitta,
bursting at the seams like secrets too long kept.

It’s been punched like a lasagne,
layered, splattered,
wounded and steaming.
Tossed in the bin, that kebab —
and still, it twitches,
like a tuna sandwich on a barbershop floor,
hair clippings clinging to its mayo-slick skin.

Bonnie Blue’s fanny is barn doors unlatched in a storm,
an axe wound carved into the narrative,
the Dartford Tunnel at rush hour —
humid, echoing, and full of impatient men.

It’s a donkey yawning,
an elephant’s eyelid blinking once in slow disbelief,
a burst couch,
stuffing spilled like hearts on sleeves.
It’s a wet wallet trying to eat a hotdog,
pathetic, messy,
determined against all odds.

It’s a Rottweiler with a mouth full of mayonnaise,
confused, aggressive,
slobbering through the cream.
It’s a squished hedgehog on the roadside,
spines flattened, dignity long gone.

It is an explosion in a corned beef factory,
a butcher’s sleeve,
a ripped-out fireplace,
a radio crackling static in a plasterer’s van,
and an oyster factory torn to the heavens,
pearls and brine raining down like war.

Bonnie Blue’s fanny is legend.
Not soft. Not sweet.
But myth made meat,
and meat made art.

[davieG]

Aussie humour

 

A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets

a call on his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts

grinning from ear to ear, then when he disconnects he shouts to the

barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink.

The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd

around keen to know what they are celebrating.

"Well," he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland

baby boy weighing 25 pounds".

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but

the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland .

Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations

of "STREWTH" and "BLOODY HELL!" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the same bar. The barman

says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed

25 pounds at birth aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about

how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much

does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers: "17 pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed

25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold

beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly

says, "We had him circumcised!"

[boots60]

India has dropped 10,000 samosas and 25,000 pakoras on Pakistan

A spokesman said "that's just for starters"

[davieG]

Joe had just moved into a new apartment in New York City and was in the building’s lobby, carefully taping his name onto his mailbox. As he stepped back to admire his work, the door beside the mailboxes creaked open.

Out stepped a stunning young woman in nothing but a silk robe.

She smiled. Joe smiled back, slightly stunned.

“New tenant?” she asked, striking up a casual conversation.

“Yeah, just moved in,” Joe replied, doing his best to keep it cool.

As they chatted, her robe subtly slipped open, revealing she wasn’t wearing anything underneath. Joe’s eyes widened—then quickly darted back to hers. He was sweating now, trying with all his might to keep his gaze above the neckline.

Then she stepped closer, placed a gentle hand on his arm, and whispered, “Let’s go into my apartment… I think someone’s coming.”

Joe didn’t need to be asked twice.

He followed her in, heart pounding. As soon as the door shut, she leaned back against it and let her robe fall to the floor—completely bare.

With a teasing smile, she asked, “So… what would you say is my best feature?”

Joe froze. Eyes wide. Mouth dry. He cleared his throat and blurted, “Uh… your ears.”

She blinked. “My ears? Seriously? Look at me! My body’s toned, my breasts are real, my skin’s flawless—why in the world would you say my ears?”

Joe turned bright red and muttered, “Because when you said you heard someone coming… that was me.”

[Trav Le Bleu]

A chicken walks into a library and says to the librarian, "bawk, bawk, bawk, bauk, book."

 

The librarian stares at the chicken, a bit puzzled, but the chicken repeats, "bawk, bawk, bawk, bauk, book."

 

So the librarian shrugs and tugs a book under the chicken's wing. The chicken walks out, seemingly satisfied.

 

20 minutes later the chicken is back, book in its beak, and drops it at the librarian's desk.

"Bawk, bawk, bawk, bauk, book," it clucks again.

 

"Would you like a romance novel this time? Or maybe some sci-fi? A thriller perhaps?" asks the librarian, though in all honesty he's just impressed the chicken can read.

 

But the chicken just says once again, "bawk, bawk, bawk, bauk, book," so the librarian just grabs the nearest book, Pride and Prejudice, and tucks it under the chicken's wing.

 

The chicken turns and struts out of the library, its head bobbing back and forth. What a strange day, the librarian thinks to himself.

 

Almost exactly twenty minutes later the chicken is back and once again it drops the book on the desk, followed by its familiar request, "bawk, bawk, bawk, bauk, book."

 

Now the librarian realises something. Not only can this chicken read... it can read *really* fast!

So now the librarian is curious and decides to follow the chicken to find out how it accomplishes this remarkable feat.

 

He gives the chicken a book and waits for it to leave. As he goes through the door he notices the chicken cross the road (but that's another story), so with a casual air he also crosses the road.

 

The chicken walks about 100 yards before turning off the path into the local park. The librarian follows cautiously, trying not to be spotted in his eagerness to uncover this mystery.

 

Once in the park he sees the chicken walks into a thicket. Pulling branches aside and trying not to trip on roots, he follows the chicken until it stops by a pond in the thicket.

 

Here the chicken has stopped and there is a frog on a lilypad. The chicken drops the book in front of the frog and with its beak turns to the first page.

 

The frog says, "Reddit!"

Edited 31 May 2025 by Trav Le Bleu

[Parafox]

What do you call a canine magician?

 

A Labracadabrador.

 

[Trav Le Bleu]

If Trumps starts a smear campaign against Musk, will it be called Elongate?

[Parafox]

20 hours ago, Trav Le Bleu said:

If Trumps starts a smear campaign against Musk, will it be called Elongate?

 

I'll get your coat...

[The Fox Covert]

Not strictly a joke but children sometimes say the funniest things.

I have read a book about a school inspector whose beat covered a huge area of the Scottish Highlands rather more than a century ago.

A young girl from a sheep farming family had been taken to the zoo for the first time. The inspector asked her to tell the class what she thought about the zoo.

She said she loved it and was really impressed that the zoo keepers had clipped the lion - brave souls indeed!

[winteriscoming]

Alonso took his first Real Madrid training session today and fainted. Not because of the heat but because he saw Trent Alexandra Arnold trying to defend. 

[davieG]

Not a joke more a reflection of some people's lives

 

[TheLittleBigMan]

What's the one thing you don't want to be told when you're giving Willy Nelson blow job?

 

I'm not Willy Nelson.

[The Bear]

[Sampson]

What's the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a pot of glue?

 

You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna!

[The Bear]

That joke makes zero sense

[Sampson]

1 hour ago, The Bear said:

That joke makes zero sense

Huh? Why not?