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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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UpTheLeagueFox

UpTheLeagueFox

Posted
Posted

I once got a +1 on a wedding invite from a friend, yet they seemed surprised and annoyed when I turned up an hour after everyone else.

I’ve recently started online dating.

I was matched with a girl who told me she suffered with agoraphobia.

Maybe I should ask her out.

Telling a woman you work in IT Support can be such a turn off.

And then a turn on again.

If you like a bit of that, you might like a bit of this: www.randomsillynonsense.com (a new set of stuff every Wednesday)

  • Popular Post
Nick

Nick

Posted
  • Popular Post
Posted

I took a girl home from a club last night.

As we got inside my house I said, "You'll be walking funny tomorrow."

"Ooooooh" she smiled, "Have a big cock do we?"

I locked the door and said, "No, I'm going to cut off your feet."

  • Like 6
HEGGSY

HEGGSY

Posted
Posted

I took a girl home from a club last night.

As we got inside my house I said, "You'll be walking funny tomorrow."

"Ooooooh" she smiled, "Have a big cock do we?"

I locked the door and said, "No, I'm going to cut off your feet."

lol

Tielemans63

Tielemans63

Posted
Posted

Big fight at a gypsy wedding in Ireland.

Goes to court and the judge says "Can anyone explain what happened?"

Paddy says "I can, I was the best man and I was dancing with the bride. We were dancing quite close when the groom stormed up and kicked the bride in the fanny".

"I see," says the judge. "That must have hurt."

"Bloody right" says Paddy, ". . he broke 3 of my fingers".

Webbo

Webbo

Posted
Posted

After years of searching I have finally found my wife's G spot.

Who would have known, her sister had it all along.

NeilyBoy

NeilyBoy

Posted
Posted

An atom gets up to leave a bar. As he approaches the door he feels his back pocket and declares "I've lost an electron!".

"Are you sure?" The barman asks.

"I'm positive"

easilee

easilee

Posted
Posted

The missus said last night "If we turn the light off I'll let you give it to me up the arse".

Something tells me I should have let the bulb cool down a bit.

Webbo

Webbo

Posted
Posted

Who sang "thats neat ,thats neat,thats neat ,thats neat.....i really love your're tiger feet ?

Mud

Awaits punchline.

skinnydipper

skinnydipper

Posted
Posted (edited)

Who sang "thats neat ,thats neat,thats neat ,thats neat.....i really love your're tiger feet ?

Mud

Awaits punchline.

Thats right ,thats right ,thats right ,thats right................

Just tried that one on my wife

I said "Who sang thats neat ,thats neat,thats neat ,thats neat.....i really love your're tiger feet ?"

She said "The Sweet wasn't it ?"

lol:tumbleweed:

Edited by skinnydipper
Tielemans63

Tielemans63

Posted
Posted

Marriage is like a deck of cards

At the beginning all you need are two Hearts and a Diamond

After 20 years you wish you had a Club and a Spade

lol

It's funny cuz it's true...

My wife went over to the changing room to try on a dress, but she came back and said "It's too small, I couldn't get into it"

I said, "Never mind, the dress probably wouldn't have fitted you either".

  • Like 3
Nick

Nick

Posted
Posted

I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance.

Ungrateful cow scowled at me and then gave me verbals whilst getting up and she only had a few grazes.

Wherethefoxhat?

Wherethefoxhat?

Posted
Posted

Paddy buys his new g/friend a bunch of beautiful flowers and takes them to her house.

She takes one look at them and drags him into the house.

She proceeds to lie back on the couch ,lifts up her skirt and takes down her knickers .

"This is for the flowers."

Paddy takes one look and says "You must be joking .....surely you've got a vase in here somewhere !"

:blush:

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