Christmas Dinner... how?!

[AoWW]

Ok, for the first time ever this year I'm having to cook Christmas Dinner for the family. I think they see it as some kind of test that i'm now a responsible, capable, grown up.... well I'm not, nor do I want to be. However, the competitive streak in me would like to be able to pull this off - as a proverbial 'up yours' if nothing else.

Now, I don't do cooking... ever... if I can help it. Me and it simply don't get on. And this has disaster written all over it. Now there must be some kind folks on here who can actually put together a decent meal - if so, please help me! Does anyone have an idiot's guide to cooking a christmas dinner? Any advice whatsoever? Oh and please don't say it's just like cooking a Sunday Roast - never done one of those either, pubs are for Sunday Lunch.

I was completely confident that my 'get pissed early and work on instinct' approach would be just fine, but reality is starting to dawn and I'm thinking some technical know-how may be necessary if we're not all to be hospitalised until well into the New Year. Reading instructions off packets and putting stuff in microwaves is fine (oh, and bizarrely, as far as 'proper' "turn-the-oven-on" cooking goes, I can do sponges!) but that really is about it. :eek:

I've now been given a turkey. What the hell do i do with it? Aren't you supposed to take stuff out of it, and put stuffing in... or something? Oh, feck... i'm doomed - HELP!!!!

[Trumpet]

Is faking your death a considerable option?

[Jay]

well even though you said not to it is similar to a sunday lunch but you just make 3times as much!!

it's all in roast potatoes imo!!! my tip is to par boil to potatoes for around 10mins before putting them in the oven to make sure that you get soft insides with a crunchy coating providing a taste sensation!!

and another good tip is to peel all your veg the night before so that you don't have to do it christmas morning!!

[Guest]

- If possible, get your turkey from the butchers; you will pay more, but they can prepare it so that you just have to pop it in the oven. If it's supermarket bought, check there's no plastic bags inside (not pleasant).

- Buy your bits and pieces ready prepared. Roasts and garnish can be purchased from any supermarket, although the M&S stuff is highly recommended. It all comes with instructions.

- If you think you'll balls up, cook everything on Xmas Eve. As long as you keep it all covered, you can reheat it the next day (in the oven) and nobody should know any different. This also means that you can get a mate who can cook to help.

- Use Smash; it's a life saver.

Hope this helps.

[skinnydipper]

Disable your cooker ,e.g remove fuse or disconnect from gas supply, let your guests know that it's broken and hey presto- you get an invite to someones house on Christmas day, feet up,watch the movie etc. Alternatively leave rat poison at visible locations in your kitchen and invite a few of your Christmas day guests round for a cuppa a few days before the big event

[Alexikokopops]

- If possible, get your turkey from the butchers; you will pay more, but they can prepare it so that you just have to pop it in the oven. If it's supermarket bought, check there's no plastic bags inside (not pleasant).

- Buy your bits and pieces ready prepared. Roasts and garnish can be purchased from any supermarket, although the M&S stuff is highly recommended. It all comes with instructions.

- If you think you'll balls up, cook everything on Xmas Eve. As long as you keep it all covered, you can reheat it the next day (in the oven) and nobody should know any different. This also means that you can get a mate who can cook to help.

- Use Smash; it's a life saver.

Hope this helps.

And this bit in bold makes it one hell of a lot easier if you've not really done it before.

You can even make a little timetable of when things go in so you don't forget (I'm not sure how totally retarded you are when it comes to cooking but you've given the impression that it's very )

Oh, and Smash is EVIL

[WetFlannel]

do a few microwavable burgers... im sure they wont mind

[AoWW]

Is faking your death a considerable option?

Emigrating is.

it's all in roast potatoes imo!!! my tip is to par boil to potatoes for around 10mins before putting them in the oven to make sure that you get soft insides with a crunchy coating providing a taste sensation!!

WTF? idiot's definition, please.

- If possible, get your turkey from the butchers; you will pay more, but they can prepare it so that you just have to pop it in the oven. If it's supermarket bought, check there's no plastic bags inside (not pleasant).

- Buy your bits and pieces ready prepared. Roasts and garnish can be purchased from any supermarket, although the M&S stuff is highly recommended. It all comes with instructions.

- If you think you'll balls up, cook everything on Xmas Eve. As long as you keep it all covered, you can reheat it the next day (in the oven) and nobody should know any different. This also means that you can get a mate who can cook to help.

- Use Smash; it's a life saver.

Hope this helps.

Yes, good. Check for plastic. Ta, Lisa

M&S packets with instructions is what's needed, me thinks.

And this bit in bold makes it one hell of a lot easier if you've not really done it before.

You can even make a little timetable of when things go in so you don't forget (I'm not sure how totally retarded you are when it comes to cooking but you've given the impression that it's very )

Oh, and Smash is EVIL

Way beyond retarded. Timetable... good idea. Implies being sober enough to read it tho.

[hairy]

The secret is in the timing. Everything else is easy.

Write down when you want to eat. Say 2.00pm. You want the meat to stand for 15mins at least so the meat has to be ready for 1.45pm. Work your cooking time out Here

Your roasties will need 45 mins to 60mins. Part boil them before for 15 minutes to soften them, then they will be crispy on the outside and soft in the middle.

Then do what Lisa said and buy the veg chopped.

Remember its all in the timing. Write yourself a schedule of when things have got to be in / out the oven and when the veggies have got to be on and the gravey made. If you do that it will be simple.

[Rincewind]

I've been lucky and never been asked to do xmas dinner mainly because they tell me I cant cook.

Anyway first get others to contribute either with the workload or the goods.

Start with soup or patte or prawn cocktail. give em a choice. next bung the turkey in the oven in the oven for a few hours. make sure the oven and turker are compatable sizes. Do a few veg. brussels are normally traditional. next buy a couple of gataues. you can get a variety of snacks for the rest of the day. As an alternative get plenty of booze in then the rest wont matter. On the plus side if it is a disaster you wont be expected to do it again.

[Phube]

I cook Christmas Dinner every year... My tips:

Do turkey the Delia way:

Get your turkey (making sure it is empty, giblets bad!) Smother it in butter and add rahsers of streaky bacon all over. Cover losely in foil, pop in over for time it says on label, taking off the foil for the last half hour! Leave to stand (i.e. out of the oven) for at least 15 mins, preferable more!!

Potatoes:

Peel, chop into even size pieces. Put into cold water in a pan. Bring to the boil. When the water starts to boil put the oven tray with a smattering of oil of it into the oven at Gas mark 6. When potatoes have boiled for 10 mins (par boiled!) drain, add a dollop of butter and shake them up with the lid on. Place in hot fat and cook on gas mark 67 for ~50 mins!!

Timing:

Forget timing Christmas dinner should ALWAYS be at least 30 minutes late!! It's the rules!!

[coale39]

Try this

Good luck

[Phube]

Another thing do a "Trial" run this Sunday. Do a roast dinner, make sure your spuds are good, veggies timed well etc...

P.s. Water takes 10 times longer to boil than you think!!! always turn it on about 15 mins before you need to put the veggies in!

[coale39]

Another thing do a "Trial" run this Sunday. Do a roast dinner, make sure your spuds are good, veggies timed well etc...

P.s. Water takes 10 times longer to boil than you think!!! always turn it on about 15 mins before you need to put the veggies in!

Ah not if you boil the water in the kettle first!

[Trumpet]

You can't be thaaaat bad at cooking - I once put an egg in water and took the egg out, not knowing the water should/ would be better pre boiled.

[Tommy G]

You can't be thaaaat bad at cooking - I once put an egg in water and took the egg out, not knowing the water should/ would be better pre boiled.

I've heard a rumour from my mate at uni that he put some pasta in the pan, switched it on without any bloody water!

Went upstairs gfor a shower and smoke was coming from the kitchen when he got back down...

Surely xmas dinner can't be too hard

[Wils]

I could show you how i would do it, but that would invovle me coming over but that shouldnt be a problem..right?

[Guest]

Start with soup or patte or prawn cocktail. give em a choice. next bung the turkey in the oven in the oven for a few hours.

I take it you are having starters for breakfast then?

Ooh, aren't I a pedant.

[Kent Fox]

Par boil = boil the spuds for about 10 minutes. You don't wanna cook them, just soften them on the outside a bit.

Make sure you put the spuds (hot or cold) into a HOT roasting tray. Most important is to use Goose fat - you can buy that from most supermarkets. It guarantees you good spuds.

Someone has mentioned doing your veg in advance. Good advice.

Bacon rashers are ok but they will stop the skin going crispy. If that doesn't bother you, you are sad. Crispy skin is the best bit of this dry, sponge of a bird. Foil will keep it moister, but if you really want a moist bird, cook it upside down. Turkey goes VERY dry if you are not careful.

Ooh, if you are doing parsnips, get some honey on them first. Delicious!

Anything else? PM me

[Zingari]

a turkey crown , read on label how many it will serve and how long it takes to cook

aunt bessies roast potatoes ; read label

aunt bessies roast parsnips ; read label

aunt bessies yorkshires puds ; read label

some frozen peas ; read label

peel a few potatoes , boil for about 20 mins til soft , mash with a bit of butter and milk

peel a few carrots chop up into slices and boil for about 15 mins

buy a sweetheart cabbage , shred finely and boil about 10 mins

possibly a few sprouts ; take the stalky bit off the bottom and a few outer leaves boil 15 mins

don't forget cutlery and crockery enough for all guests where is the problem

[davieG]

Your solution in a box

[Fez of Mahrez]

At uni I knew someone who was genuinely awful at cooking. He once legendarily put pasta sauce in with the pasta while it was still in a saucepan full of water.

Roast potatoes are the key. Parboil them (which basically means boil them, the way I do them) for about 8-10 minutes before you put them in the oven, as Jay says. Buy some rosemary to roast them with and coat them very lightly with flour to make them almost crispy on the outside. Roast potatoes should be in the oven for a good 45 minutes at least.

[Phube]

Bacon rashers are ok but they will stop the skin going crispy. If that doesn't bother you, you are sad. Crispy skin is the best bit of this dry, sponge of a bird. Foil will keep it moister, but if you really want a moist bird, cook it upside down. Turkey goes VERY dry if you are not careful.

But then you can eat crispy bacon rahsers with added Turkey fat.. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....

Or just take them off when the foil comes off!!

[Smudge]

Of all the forums to ask, this one is probably the last I would have come to.

Forget your turkey give it to someone who know's what they're doing , its big, hard to cook properly, a bastard to carve if not cooked right and boring. Why not a ham, unless your Jewish of course. You can buy some really nice ones already smoked and honey glazed; roast potatoes, sprouts; gravy and white sauce. really easy. As for dessert buy it........premade puddings and mince pies.

Also get em all shit faced first

[AoWW]

Thanks for all the advice chaps and chapettes - much appreciated!

I could show you how i would do it, but that would invovle me coming over but that shouldnt be a problem..right?

Not at all. Bring a cookbook.

Anything else? PM me

Ta, will do. You've been quiet of late!

Your solution in a box

Feck you seen the price of those things! I can do the shopping, cutting veg up into little pieces etc, etc, myself thanks. You still have to cook the bloody stuff! Astonishing!

Of all the forums to ask, this one is probably the last I would have come to.

Also get em all shit faced first

I was here... and couldn't be arsed to look elsewhere. Getting them - and me - shit faced is a given anyhow. Pouring drinks I can do!