Making An Arse Of Oneself

[Finnegan]

MPH

[skinnydipper]

Think i posted this a couple of years ago on here,,,,

I got to the staff room at work and sat down with my coffee. Sat next to a friend and began chatting. She was wearing a knee length skirt. I noticed she had these marks on her knees. so i just asked her what happened. she sheepishly replied ' oh, they are carpet burns' Now i was a few years younger at the time and made a right arse of myself and unfortunately her too.

" oooh yeah!!!! carpet burns eh? what have you been upto!" i blurted out much too loudly " ay Alex, she's got carpet burns on her legs!" i said to a mate of mine " so what you been upto then eh? carpet burns!" By now the whole of the staff room was listening and had gone quiet.

she just very quietly said

" im epileptic"

Cringe

[Trav Le Bleu]

I must have looked a complete muppet chasing letters that had blown out of my hand down Kingston Avenue today, cursing loudly.

[FoxyPV]

Driving up to M&S some time ago on my lunch on to see some able bodied **** parking in a disabled space and bouncing out, so feeling quite strongly on this issue I verbalised my discontent only for him to get the wheelchair out of the back seat for his seriously ill wife and glare at me.

More of a **** I have never felt.

[Finnegan]

[MPH]

I actually have quite a few. I am kind of known for making an Arse of myself...

Had a right argument with my mum one time we kind of both apologised at the end of it. Keep the peace and all that... sister was there so later that day she text me to ask me if i was ok... she moaned a bit about mum so i text back slagging off my mum with pretty much everything she had ever done since i was a kid. Saying how she was a crap mum .Just venting, really.

Only to somehow send the text to my mum instead

[Houdini Logic]

My friend took his new girlfriend out to watch him on his power kite yesterday... little bit windy and all.

He managed to travel the length of a football field before having to ditch the kite and watch it tangle and spark up in a pylon.

I you live in Broughton (by Kettering) and had to go without heating, TV or Sunday dinner last night, then I will happily sell you his name and address.

[samjohnson]

My friend took his new girlfriend out to watch him on his power kite yesterday... little bit windy and all.

He managed to travel the length of a football field before having to ditch the kite and watch it tangle and spark up in a pylon.

I you live in Broughton (by Kettering) and had to go without heating, TV or Sunday dinner last night, then I will happily sell you his name and address.

I live miles from Broughton... but I do love a good pitchfork-flaming torch hunt!

[Edmund]

Years ago i was in a rush to get somewhere and overtook a slowish car,as i was overtaking they sounded the horn,i thought hold on ,i can see nothing is coming,so i gave the driver the W****r sign,only to realise it was a customer of mine who recognised me.I was shitting myself come monday morning,but he never said a word to my boss,but said to me i assume you didnt know that was me the other day.How red did i go,i have never grovelled so much in my life.

Driving up to M&S some time ago on my lunch on to see some able bodied **** parking in a disabled space and bouncing out, so feeling quite strongly on this issue I verbalised my discontent only for him to get the wheelchair out of the back seat for his seriously ill wife and glare at me.

More of a **** I have never felt.

both brilliant and also Webbos

The only one that springs to mind was a few years ago when I was on holiday in Greece. We went to a nice restaurant, half way through the meal had to use the toilet, think I had a stomach bug or something as you do when you're abroad. Went into the mens to see the only cubicle was in use.

I was absolutely desperate so ran into the ladies. Again there was only one cubicle as the toilets were small but was available. Next thing I know about ten minutes in a que's forming outside. I sat there hoping they'd leave.

After 20 minutes or so I had no choice but to leave as there were irate bangs on the door etc. Had to roll out to a que of women after having the smelliest diarrhea splattered all over the bowl shit.

The worst part was back in the restaurant afterwards having to sit in close vicinity of the the women who had witnessed this.

[Smudge]

Think i posted this a couple of years ago on here,,,,

I got to the staff room at work and sat down with my coffee. Sat next to a friend and began chatting. She was wearing a knee length skirt. I noticed she had these marks on her knees. so i just asked her what happened. she sheepishly replied ' oh, they are carpet burns' Now i was a few years younger at the time and made a right arse of myself and unfortunately her too.

" oooh yeah!!!! carpet burns eh? what have you been upto!" i blurted out much too loudly " ay Alex, she's got carpet burns on her legs!" i said to a mate of mine " so what you been upto then eh? carpet burns!" By now the whole of the staff room was listening and had gone quiet.

she just very quietly said

" im epileptic"

Go on M tell em the dog story and the one about the potties.

[Smudge]

Some years ago, I was travelling to Fort Lauderdale on business and as there isn't a direct flight from here I had to stop over in Charlotte; big airport, several terminals and gates. The flight into Charlotte was late and I had very little time to make my connection. As always seems to happen on these occasions, the departing flight was in a different terminal and the farthest away. So I'm kind of running and arrive with very little time to spare, hot and flustered.

At Charlotte the gates are very close together at the end of the building. I handed in my boarding pass, got on the plane. I stowed my luggage took off my jacket and handed it to the attendant, and as I was in first class, they served me a beverage before take off.. lovely jubbly.

Seconds later a guy came in and said, "Your sitting in my seat", I had the stub in my shirt pocket and looked at it and said "This says 2B this seat is 2B somewhat indignantly. The guy then goes to the attendant and explains that we have the same seat assignment and I'm asked show the attendant my ticket stub. He studies both stubs and says to me "Where are you travelling to today sir?" "Fort Lauderdale, I replied somewhat perplexed. "Well you have a problem, this flight's going to Chicago."

[CKB]

Dumb moment here still comes under making an arse of oneself...right?

Anyhow couple of years ago me and some mates are talking about the past, cartoons we liked, shows we liked etc.. And we get on the subject of Bodger and Badger we are all going "oh yeah that was cool", etc... I then for some stupid reason said "yeah but which one was Badger again?" I knew straight away what i had said and i couldn't believe it

I still get grief now and rightly so!

[z-layrex]

Think i posted this a couple of years ago on here,,,,

I got to the staff room at work and sat down with my coffee. Sat next to a friend and began chatting. She was wearing a knee length skirt. I noticed she had these marks on her knees. so i just asked her what happened. she sheepishly replied ' oh, they are carpet burns' Now i was a few years younger at the time and made a right arse of myself and unfortunately her too.

" oooh yeah!!!! carpet burns eh? what have you been upto!" i blurted out much too loudly " ay Alex, she's got carpet burns on her legs!" i said to a mate of mine " so what you been upto then eh? carpet burns!" By now the whole of the staff room was listening and had gone quiet.

she just very quietly said

" im epileptic"

Hahahahahaha! You can almost hear the soundtrack to Curb your enthusiasm playing after that.

Being a massive douche I have countless stories, but it will have to be when i'm not late for work.

[monkeyman95]

I handucffed myself to my mate, believing the handcuffs in question were fake

Unfortunately it turned out I was wrong

After a few hours of his company we had to go to the police station and fire station who managed to get it off for us

[BoneDog]

One of my ex-girlfriends' dad went on holiday once when I was 15 and like a div he left his moped keys in full show so I borrowed the moped for the week to save me walking around. On the Saturday she rang me and said 'you comin round then or what?' and I said 'yeah sugarplum I'll be there in 10, get the kettle on'. She says 'I'll wait on the front for you Cock-Rocket.' And I said 'Crackerjack'.

For some strange reason I was wearing green flare jeans and a thin green turtle neck jumper with a big helmet which must of looked ridiculous.

Anyways, I turn onto her street and she lives at the other end so I burn rubber up the street thinking I'll just show off a bit and make her horny. Her and her brother are sitting on their fence and I burn past them looking to the side shouting 'weyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy' with my feet sticking out in the air forgetting that there is a junction 15 metres past there house. When I remember about the junction it's too late and there is a mini-bus coming towards the turn off. It's too late to turn or stop so I just wobble the front wheel left and right a bit trying to decide which way to turn and go flying straight over the road sliding the bike on it's side into a hedge.

It definitely happened something like that anyway. The bike was still in working order and I think my girlfriend got moist so everyone was happy.

Don't ask me why I had green flare jeans 'cos I don't know. I was a raver not a hippy and it was the 90's.

[Parafox]

When I was about 13 I was walking into town, a distance of about 4 miles and no money for the bus.

As i was waiting to cross the road at some traffic lights a car stopped and I recognised my mates' dad driving it. He looked over at me and raised his hand in a "hi" gesture.

For some reason I took this to mean "do you want a lift" so i opened the passenger door and got in.

I couldn't work out why he gave me the look of "WTF", but he said nothing so I said "thanks, anywhere near Lewis's would be great"

He looked askance at me again and drove on duly dropping me off at Lewis's corner (as it was then).

It wasn't until the next day that I found out from my mate that his dad was on his way to work and had gone quite some way off his route to take me to town.

Took me a while before I went round his house again, but nothing was ever said.

[StanSP]

One of my ex-girlfriends' dad went on holiday once when I was 15 and like a div he left his moped keys in full show so I borrowed the moped for the week to save me walking around. On the Saturday she rang me and said 'you comin round then or what?' and I said 'yeah sugarplum I'll be there in 10, get the kettle on'. She says 'I'll wait on the front for you Cock-Rocket.' And I said 'Crackerjack'.

For some strange reason I was wearing green flare jeans and a thin green turtle neck jumper with a big helmet which must of looked ridiculous.

Anyways, I turn onto her street and she lives at the other end so I burn rubber up the street thinking I'll just show off a bit and make her horny. Her and her brother are sitting on their fence and I burn past them looking to the side shouting 'weyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy' with my feet sticking out in the air forgetting that there is a junction 15 metres past there house. When I remember about the junction it's too late and there is a mini-bus coming towards the turn off. It's too late to turn or stop so I just wobble the front wheel left and right a bit trying to decide which way to turn and go flying straight over the road sliding the bike on it's side into a hedge.

It definitely happened something like that anyway. The bike was still in working order and I think my girlfriend got moist so everyone was happy.

Don't ask me why I had green flare jeans 'cos I don't know. I was a raver not a hippy and it was the 90's.

Oh really