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I had one read out once and have been advised by my legal team to neither confirm nor deny whether I was wanking during the recording process. I say had one read out, I mean played out.

I wish you would try to engage with some of the points people are presenting you with rather than calling them names and throwing a tantrum

I thought it would be a decent signing if it was for a reasonable fee, it meant Cannon going on loan and it was in addition to, not instead of, a goalscorer and creative player. £8m would put paid to that first one straight away.

It's not glamourous and I hope we have a goalscorer and creator lined up too but I have no doubt at all Ayew in and Cannon out leaves us better equipped

One that sticks in my mind is Albrighton putting an absolute peach in for Slimani at home to West Ham in 16/17. We had someone who was very good at crossing and someone who was very good at heading, and yet that was one of the rare occasions we managed to get them combining to any meaningful effect.

Big Chris Wood with a late equaliser

Lots of headers, blocked shots in crowded areas and also plenty of occasions when they overplayed or just wasted promising positions. I think they were definitely the better team for most of the game but we still created the two best chances and consequently probably deserved the point.

I'm really not convinced he has the physical attributes Cooper wants from his either his full backs or his midfielders

What do you make of Sarmiento? He seems to have been around for ages and whenever I've seen his little cameos for you he's impressed, but it didn't look like he made any great impact in either loan spell last season (apart from against us, naturally) at a level where I'd have expected him to do well. The feeling from my West Brom-supporting friend was that while he maybe wasn't given as many opportunities as he could have been, he didn't exactly shine when he was given the chance.

Like everyone else, what I've seen is a teenager arrive midway through the season and play about ten games as part of a team drifting inexorably towards relegation, during which he struggled in pretty much the same way as all his teammates. He then went and established himself as first choice in a Champions League qualifier from a league that is admittedly not as strong as this one but is definitely stronger than the one we were playing in last season. You're right that having taken those things into account, my conclusion is not that the guy is clearly not good enough and also - the classic when someone wants to criticise a player's personality despite having no real basis for doing so - "thinks he's better than he is". Do you stand by your theory about Cooper not fancying him now that we've seen him effectively picked over Ricardo?

I can't remember who but someone said on here recently that he has form for basically flat out lying about injuries to keep teams guessing. Suppose it makes a change from when Rodgers would tell us a player was out for a couple of weeks and then it turned out they'd been on a plane that had been shot down and crashed into a volcano

I think I understand - if he's crap you were right because unlike all those clowns you always thought he was crap, if he's good you were still right because it must mean he did what you said he should do to stop being crap. I can see why they call you Clever Fox because you have played this quite brilliantly

£30m+ would be stupid money for Nketiah but Arsenal have form for getting stupid money for academy products who haven't really done much of note for them. Iwobi, Willock, Balogun and Smith Rowe have fetched them £100m profit and of those only Iwobi was anything like a regular first team player at the point they sold him.

I can't say I'm familiar with the character but having looked him up that does seem to be the case yeah, though he looks like he might at least have a bit about him with the mask and cape combo. Johnson reminds me primarily of someone I went to school with, both visually and in terms of being a complete fanny

Said elsewhere but my suspicion is he is going to be our new Perez i.e. sometimes irritating as **** and will divide opinion but works hard and occasionally pulls off something tidy, just for free rather than £30m/£16m/whatever it was we decided we paid. Something about the way he moves around the pitch and a couple of the little flicks he did, like in the build up to the chance Vardy had saved, gave me very vivid flashbacks to our sweet Spanish prince.

His cross just before the second goal is exactly what we've been in need of for years by the way. It's been ages since we had a dominant aerial presence to aim at and yet, for example, Chilwell would routinely clip up shit floaters that 99% of the time the likes of Vardy, Iheanacho or Daka have no chance of scoring from. Deliveries fizzed across the face of goal at that sort of height cannot be fun to defend. Having just watched the replay he also wins us the ball back in the first place by fighting off Johnson who admittedly is one of the few professional athletes I think I might be able to fight off, the little gimp.

I take it people are bit happier about "developing other teams' players for them" when they play like that?

Yeah I don't believe it's laziness either, he's just chronically off the pace in a way that I don't think any amount of coaching or exposure to the league can fix

He's not the sort who's going to be rinsing people for pace or breaking into the box to threaten the goal but he's got a very decent cross on him and a good engine too with some big tackles and blocks thrown in to boot. Looked like he enjoyed that second half and for all that it apparently rubbed the Spice Boys up the wrong way I think his attitude is precisely the sort you want around for a relegation battle.

Bad: First half was SO shit and basically everything I was fearing for the season under Cooper. We looked like we were embarrassed to even be on the same pitch as them. Soumare as usual looked like he was experiencing the game at about 80% speed, not having for a second he's a better option in midfield than Ricardo, Alves or possibly even Hamza. Hopefully Skipp and another new signing bump him further down the pecking order and he ****s off somewhere. I wasn't as disappointed by Reid as some but he reminded me an awful lot of Perez i.e. works hard and the occasional nice touch but potentially very frustrating. Thankfully Bentancur seemed OK but it felt like the injury, understandably, completely killed the game for a good while just when we'd sorted ourselves out. Good: Second half immeasurably better, particularly after the goal. Given how one-sided the first half was I think it speaks volumes that by full time we were probably good value for the point. If Vardy had put that chance away on his left foot it would have been a sublime goal up there with any we scored under Enzo or Rodgers. Reminded me of Stoke away in 14/15 where the first half we were crap and then when Cambiasso came on everyone suddenly looked like they believed they could compete. Everyone's level went up but particularly impressed by Hermansen and Buonanotte (all game), Kristiansen, Winks and Vestergaard, special mention to Fatawu for the assist. Mavididi and McAteer got well involved off the bench but it did feel a lot like we were lacking options to bring on and try to capitalise on our momentum which hopefully changes over the next couple of weeks. Overall far more optimistic than I was beforehand (and than I would be if the game had played out the other way round) but it is so important we get some good business done before the window closes.

Oh god not ****ing Richarlison

Two class balls in from Kristiansen and Fatawu

What a pragmatic half of football

I suspect that is going to be our approach for the vast majority of games this season

Always rated them