The joke thread

[Geo V]

I cant remember if I have posted this one on here but I may have. I`ll post it anyway

At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge Scouse bloke – 6 feet 5 inches tall and 350 lbs, proudly wearing his XXXXL Everton replica shirt.

He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After three or four beers, he finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian.

Leaning over, he cups his huge ear: ‘Do you want a blow job?’ he whispers. At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar.

Finally, he leaves him, badly bruised in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing has happened. Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer. ‘I've never seen you react like that,’ he says. ‘Just what did he say to you?’

‘I'm not sure,’ the big Scouser replies. ‘Something about a job.’

[Macdaddy]

‘I'm not sure,’ the big Scouser replies. ‘Something about a job.’

Nice

[Macdaddy]

What was the last thing that Princess Diana's said to Dodi Fayed when entering that fateful Parisian tunnel?

"Oo Dodi, I'm so tired, I can't wait for my head to hit the pillar!"

[lee7]

I cant remember if I have posted this one on here but I may have. I`ll post it anyway

At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge Scouse bloke – 6 feet 5 inches tall and 350 lbs, proudly wearing his XXXXL Everton replica shirt.

He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After three or four beers, he finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian.

Leaning over, he cups his huge ear: ‘Do you want a blow job?’ he whispers. At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar.

Finally, he leaves him, badly bruised in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing has happened. Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer. ‘I've never seen you react like that,’ he says. ‘Just what did he say to you?’

‘I'm not sure,’ the big Scouser replies. ‘Something about a job.’

yeah you have but it's still funny.

[potter3]

'I'm not sure,' the big Scouser replies. 'Something about a job.'

Quality :laugh:

[Phube]

‘I'm not sure,’ the big Scouser replies. ‘Something about a job.’

lol

[David O'Leary]

I cant remember if I have posted this one on here but I may have. I`ll post it anyway

At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge Scouse bloke – 6 feet 5 inches tall and 350 lbs, proudly wearing his XXXXL Everton replica shirt.

He's having a few beers when a short, well-dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After three or four beers, he finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian.

Leaning over, he cups his huge ear: ‘Do you want a blow job?’ he whispers. At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar.

Finally, he leaves him, badly bruised in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing has happened. Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer. ‘I've never seen you react like that,’ he says. ‘Just what did he say to you?’

‘I'm not sure,’ the big Scouser replies. ‘Something about a job.’

[DanTheFoxBhoy]

If I were to buy eight legs of venison at the butcher's for $50, would that be "too dear"?

[David O'Leary]

If I were to buy eight legs of venison at the butcher's for $50, would that be "too dear"?

[potter3]

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which was sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard me or climb the ladder to success" she said. "Well", thought the man, "might as well carry on.

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success" she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Do me good or climb the ladder to success" she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.

When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man said, "My name's Cess"

[lildave3]

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which was sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard me or climb the ladder to success" she said. "Well", thought the man, "might as well carry on.

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success" she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Do me good or climb the ladder to success" she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.

When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man said, "My name's Cess"

:laugh:

[Joe.]

A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.

As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'

Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'

The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'

'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.

'Your turn,' says the man.

'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down.

The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available.

The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed."

"I think that would be fine," agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.

Ten minutes pass, and the nun says: "Father, I'm very cold."

"OK," says the priest, "I'll get a blanket from the cupboard."

Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again: "Father, I'm still terribly cold."

The priest says: "Don't worry, I'll get up and fetch you another blanket."

Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly: "Father I'm still very cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night."

"You're right," says the priest. "Get your own blankets."

[Joe.]

A primary school teacher starts a new job on Merseyside. Hoping to make a good impression, she tells her class she is a Liverpool fan and asks the students to raise their hands if they too support the Reds. Everyone raises his or her hand apart from one girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Let me guess, Mary, you support Everton, right?"

"Nope, I support Manchester United." Mary replies.

The teacher can't believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a United fan?"

"Because my Mum and Dad are from Manchester, and they both support United."

"Well," says the teacher. "That's no reason for you to be a United fan. You don't have to copy your parents. What if your mother was a prostitute, and your father was a drug addict, what would you be then?"

"I'd be a Liverpool fan."

[potter3]

What do you call a budgie that's been ran over by a lawn-mower?

Shredded Tweet

[potter3]

A traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him, "but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes." Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.

Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, "Manicures - 25 cents." "Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign that read, "This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents." The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his penis into the opening with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for two weeks. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony. Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his penis... which now had a button sewed on the tip.

----------------------

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.

A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "Fuck you."

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

[David O'Leary]

A priest and a nun are on their way back from the seminary when their car breaks down.

The garage doesn't open until morning so they have to spend the night in a B&B. It only has one room available.

The priest says: "Sister, I don't think the Lord would object if we spend the night sharing this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have the bed."

"I think that would be fine," agrees the nun. They prepare for bed, say some prayers and settle down to sleep.

Ten minutes pass, and the nun says: "Father, I'm very cold."

"OK," says the priest, "I'll get a blanket from the cupboard."

Another ten minutes pass and the nun says again: "Father, I'm still terribly cold."

The priest says: "Don't worry, I'll get up and fetch you another blanket."

Another ten minutes pass, then the nun murmurs softly: "Father I'm still very cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for a night."

"You're right," says the priest. "Get your own blankets."

:w00t:

[isaidno]

Q:Why doesn't Michael Barrymore have any ash trays in his house ?

A :Because he puts all his fags out in the pool

[Wycombe Fox]

Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life, buddy?"

The other guy answers, "Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest half-way through. It's very frustrating. "

The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago!"

The other guy says, "Hmmmm... I think I'll try that."

The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, "How did you get on with the starter pistol?"

The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the bloody starter pistol, just like you said." The first guy says, " So??? What happened?" The other guy says, "She bit my cock, shat on my face, and a naked man came out of the closet with his hands up! "

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry Her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a Townhouse, a beachfront villa and a 00,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a 00,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and 00,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?"

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You sh*g her again."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Whats the differnce between PMT and BSE ? one attacks the cows brain and sends it bloody mental , the other is a agricultural problem...!!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we

started swearing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first,

then you swear after me, ok?"

"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old

what he wants for breakfast.

"Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor,

got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do

YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be fooking Coco Pops!

Edited 28 August 2007 by Isle of Wight Fox

[Guest seanfox778]

Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life, buddy?"

The other guy answers, "Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest half-way through. It's very frustrating. "

The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago!"

The other guy says, "Hmmmm... I think I'll try that."

The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, "How did you get on with the starter pistol?"

The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the bloody starter pistol, just like you said." The first guy says, " So??? What happened?" The other guy says, "She bit my cock, shat on my face, and a naked man came out of the closet with his hands up! "

[Phube]

A Chairman sacks his manager after 4.5 competitive games...!! lol <_<

Edited 30 August 2007 by Phube

[hairy]

A Chairman sacks his manager after 4.5 competitive games...!! lol <_<

You couldn't make it up! :laugh:

[Geo V]

A Chairman sacks his manager after 4.5 competitive games...!! lol <_<

[the_bowman]

George the postman was on the final day of his job after serving the same neighborhood , come rain or shine. At his frist house, he was greeted by the entire family applauding him, and sent on his way with a healthy gift envelope. At the second house he was presented with a case of fine wine, and at the third he was left with a box of Havana cigars.

At the fourth house George was greeted by a beautiful blonde in a baby-doll nightie, who took him by the hand upstairs and treated him to the best sex in his life. Afterwards she led him to the kitchen and cooked him breakfast.

As the stunning woman poured his coffee, the postie noticed a £1 coin next to his cup. "What's the money for?" he asked.

"Oh," the woman replied "Last night I told my husband that today was your last day and I asked him what we should give you as a special treat. He said 'fook him. Give him a pound.' The breakfast was my idea."

[David O'Leary]

Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life, buddy?"

The other guy answers, "Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest half-way through. It's very frustrating. "

The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago!"

The other guy says, "Hmmmm... I think I'll try that."

The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, "How did you get on with the starter pistol?"

The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the bloody starter pistol, just like you said." The first guy says, " So??? What happened?" The other guy says, "She bit my cock, shat on my face, and a naked man came out of the closet with his hands up! "

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry Her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a Townhouse, a beachfront villa and a 00,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a 00,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and 00,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?"

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You sh*g her again."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Whats the differnce between PMT and BSE ? one attacks the cows brain and sends it bloody mental , the other is a agricultural problem...!!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we

started swearing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first,

then you swear after me, ok?"

"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old

what he wants for breakfast.

"Oh, shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor,

got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do

YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be fooking Coco Pops!

:w00t:

[Kilworthfox]

"Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago"

(David Coleman)

"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite"

(Murray Walker)

"The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players in there to balance things up and give the team some brains and some common sense."

(Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991.)

On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country."

(Ian Rush)

"Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator."

(John Arlott)

"Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of play."

(Peter Lorenzo)

"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalized."

(Ian McNail)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."

(Winston Bennett)

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."

(Murray Walker)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

(Greg Norman)

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."

(Alan Minter)

"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball."

(John Francombe)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

(Terry Venables)

"We'll still be happy if we lose. It's on at the same time as the Beer Festival."

(Noel O' Mahony, Cork City boss before the game in Munich)

"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."

(Ron Atkinson)

"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces."

(Ron Atkinson)

"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat."

(Ron Atkinson)

On Tony Adams' alchoholism: "It took a lot of bottle for Tony to own up."

(Ian Wright)

"Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel - a Mecca for tourists."

(David Vine)

"Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres."

(David Coleman)

"Her time is about 4.33, which she's capable of."

(David Coleman)

Dennis Pennis: "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?"

Chris Eubank: "On what ?"

"To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch."

(Ruud Gullit)

"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."

(Ron Atkinson)

"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip."

(John Motson)

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."

(David Acfield)

"What will you do when you leave football, Jack - will you stay in football?"

(Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live )

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona"

(Mark Draper - Aston Villa)

"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."

(David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics)

"...and Ray Illingworth is relieving himself in front of the pavilion."

(John Arlott)

"These greens are so fast they must bikini wax them."

(Gary McCord on the greens at Augusta)

Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?

Strachan: No. I was asked if I thought I was the right man for the job and I said, "No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless."

Reporter: Is that your best start to a season?

Strachan: Well I've still got a job so it's far better than the Coventry one, that's for sure.

Reporter: Are you getting where you want to be with this team?

Strachan: We're not doing bad. What do you expect us to be like? We were eighth in the league last year, in the cup final and we got into Europe. I don't know where you expect me to get to. Do you expect us to win the Champions League?

Reporter: Gordon, you must be delighted with that result?

Strachan: You're spot on! You can read me like a book.

Strachan: I've got more important things to think about. I've got a yogurt to finish by today, the expiry date is today. That can be my priority rather than Agustin Delgado.

Reporter: This might sound like a daft question, but you'll be happy to get your first win under your belt, won't you?

Strachan: You're right. It is a daft question. I'm not even going to bother answering that one. It is a daft question, you're spot on there.

Reporter: Bang, there goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?

Strachan: No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump of a bridge. Umm, I think I can take it, yeah.

Reporter: There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?

Strachan: Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick, down negative man, down.

Reporter: Where will Marion Pahars fit into the team line-up?

Strachan: Not telling you! It's a secret.

Reporter: You don't take losing lightly, do you Gordon?

Strachan: I don't take stupid comments lightly either.

Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?

Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there...

Strachan was on Sky on Sunday morning. He saw John Terry's goal and said he was impressed that Terry goes up expecting to score. He contrasted this to Claus Lundekvam the Saints central defender who goes up for every dead ball and never ever looks remotely like scoring. He said if there was a dead body lying in the penalty area the ball would hit it on the head several times a season which he said is more than Lundekvam can manage. He said referees should book Lundekvam for timewasting every time he goes up for a corner. When the co-commentator said if Lundekvam was watching Strachan was only joking. Strachan assured him he was deadly serious.