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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Asha

Asha

Posted
Posted

A blonde walks into a shop and says to the shopkeeper, 'can i buy a microwave?'

The shopkeeper replies, 'I dont sell to blondes'

The blonde was annoyed, so decided to take action....

She died her brown....

She walked into the shop and says to the shopkeeper, 'can i buy a microwave?'

The shopkeeper replies, 'I dont sell to blondes'

So the blonde now comes up with another plan. She gets a facelift, dies her red, gets a fake tan and walks into the shop and says to the shopkeeper, 'can i buy a microwave?'

The shopkeeper replies, 'I dont sell to blondes'

The blonde says 'How do you know I'm blonde...?'

The shopkeepers replies 'This is a TV Shop!'

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lookwhaticando

lookwhaticando

Posted
Posted
story-time girls;

At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.

Complete version posted on the previous page. ;)

Girls of age

What is the difference between girls aged:

8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68?

At 8 - You take her to bed

and tell her a story.

At 18 - You tell her a story

and take her to bed.

At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story

to take her to bed.

At 38 - She tells you a story

and takes you to bed.

At 48 - You tell her a story

to avoid going to bed.

At 58 - You stay in bed

to avoid her story.

At 68 - If you take her to bed,

that'll be a story!!

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Zingari

Zingari

Posted
Posted (edited)

i know its old, but i'd not heard it for a long time and some may have never heard it

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

football manager's replies

Arsene Wenger

"From my position in the dug-out I did not see the incident clearly so I cannot really comment. However, I do think that he gets picked on by opposition players and fans who are clearly chickenophobic."

David O'Leary

"To be fair, he's just a baby chicken really and crossing the road is just a big exciting adventure for him. He'll enjoy the experience as long as it lasts and learn from it, but I don't seriously expect him to cross it this season."

Alex Ferguson

"As far as I'm concerned he crossed the road at least a minute early according to my watch."

George Graham

"I want good, solid team of chickens who'll cross the road in a straight line when they're told and how they're told. There's no room at this club for a prima donna chicken running around aimlessly - he's not worth it!"

Gianluca Vialli

"When the fish are down, he'll just be one of the chaps. It doesn't matter to me whether he's an Italian, French or English chicken as long as he's willing to die on the pitch."

Peter Reid

"Just cross the f***ing road, you chicken f***!"

Glenn Hoddle

"The chicken was hit by the lorry when crossing the road because in a previous life it had been a bad chicken."

Brian Clough

"If God had wanted chickens to cross roads he'd have put corn in the tarmac. Anyway, I'm more interested in Wild Turkey."

Ron Atkinson

"Spotter's badge, Clive. For me, Chicko's popped up at the back stick, little eyebrows, and gone bang! And I'll tell you what - I've got a sneaking feeling that this road's there to be crossed."

Ruud Gullit

"I am hoping to see some sexy poultry."

Gordon Strachan

"I'm really proud of the wee fella. Let's face it, if it had been one of the big chickens everyone would be saying how well he'd done, but as it's one of the wee chickens it must be luck."

John Gregory

"Two months ago that chicken was saying he was happy here. Now he tells me he wants to cross the road. I feel like shooting him."

Kevin Keegan

"OK, so the chicken's dead, but I still feel, hey, he can go all the way to the other side of the road."

Mike Newell

"I can't understand why they're letting female chickens cross roads these days. They should be at home laying eggs."

Bobby Robson

"Goose, what turkey, is there a duck somewhere, where am I?"

Edited by Bluesbrother
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Kent Fox

Kent Fox

Posted
Posted

I have just seen the new Harry Potter movie.

Unbelievable!!

The magic, the wizardry, flying cars and odd looking, scary monsters I can accept.

But a ginger kid with 2 mates?

Pah!

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Raj

Raj

Posted
Posted
I have just seen the new Harry Potter movie.

Unbelievable!!

The magic, the wizardry, flying cars and odd looking, scary monsters I can accept.

But a ginger kid with 2 mates?

Pah!

Thats just being plain ginger-ist.. :rolleyes::blink:

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General Smuts

General Smuts

Posted
Posted

Oooh dear JoeB bit close to the cloth there!

So heres some more ginger jokes to make it all better ...

What's the difference between a brick and a ginger?

A brick and can get layed!

A new mother wakes up after birth as the doctor comes in,

Doctor 'do you want the good news or the bad news?'

Women 'The bad news'

'The bad news is your baby is ginger'

'Whats the good news?'

'Your baby died during birth'

A thank you!

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Wycombe Fox

Wycombe Fox

Posted
Posted

An Irishman is rowing a boat in a field.

Another Irishman walks past and stops.

He looks at the Irishman in the boat and shouts "It's thick c*nts like you that gives us a bad name. I'd come over there and kick **** out of you if I could swim!"

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A convict breaks into a house and ties up a husband and his wife.

He jumps on the wife, kisses her ear, then runs into the bathroom.

The husband whispers to his wife "satisfy him, or he'll kill us both. I saw the way he kissed you. Just be strong. I love you".

The wife replies "he didn't kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he's gay, horny and looking for vaseline. I told him there's some in the bathroom. Lets see who's strong now!"

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Two gays at the baths.

One says "what're those on your arse?"

The other says "they're nicotine patches."

First one says "do they work on your arse?"

Second one replies "they sure do. I'm down to three puffs a week." :ph34r:

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An Irishman goes for a job as a blacksmith.

Blacksmith asks "do you have any experience shoeing horses?"

Irishman replies "no but I once told a donkey to **** off!"

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Paddy and Murphy staggered out of the zoo pouring with blood.

"B*llocks to that" said Paddy

"that's the last time I go bloody lion dancing!"

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