The joke thread

[potter3]

"The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players in there to balance things up and give the team some brains and some common sense."

(Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991.)

:w00t:

And the Strachan ones :laugh:

Edited 31 August 2007 by potter3

[potter3]

"He's obviously gone in for a wheel change. I say obviously because I can't see it"

"With half the race gone, there is half the race still to go"

"Do my eyes deceive me, or is Senna's Lotus sounding rough ?"

"Anything happens in Grand Prix racing and it usually does"

"Alboreto has dropped back up to fifth place"

"As you look at the first four, the significant thing is that Alboreto is 5th"

"I can't imagine what kind of problem Senna has. I imagine it must be some sort of grip problem"

"He is shedding buckets of adrenalin in that car"

"It's raining and the track is wet"

"And there's just a few more corners for Nigel Mansell to go to win the Canadian Grand Prix...and...he's going rather slow....HE'S STOPPING HE'S STOPPING!"

"and this is the third placed car about to lap the second placed car"

"they say clothes maketh the man... the clothes are Niki Lauda's, but the contents are me..." as Murray prepares to take a drive in a F1 car." [He gets a total distance of... oh, 1 foot before he stalls it.] (Apparently, this was the second attempt to film Murray in an F1 McLaren - the first, earlier that day, had gone very well, but for technical reasons couldn't be used!)

[During a F1 race, describing how the leader can see the driver following him] "... Mansell can see him in his earphone..."

"So Bernie [Ecclestone], in the seventeen years since you bought McLaren, which of your many achievements do you think was the most memorable ?" Bernie Answers, "Well I don't remember buying McLaren." [bernie Ecclestone used to own the Brabham team].

Murrary: "What's that? There's a BODY on the track!!!" James: "Um, I think that that is a piece of BODY-WORK, from someone's car."

Murray: There's a fiery glow coming from the back of the Ferrari James: No Murray, that's his rear safety light

As an introductory piece for a rallysprint race, Murray was put in the Navigator's seat alongside Tony Pond in a Chevette HSR (270 BHP, rwd, and TWITCHY), added an in-car camera, and wired Murray for sound. The result can be deduced by extrapolating his usual excitement and enthusiasm, and adding a large pinch of raw terror! "And there's a 600 foot drop on my left..AND we're doing 120 mph... AND we're approaching a hairpin...OH MY GOD we're going to die..."

[after a post race interview with Mansell after the Austrian GP 1987] Murray : "How did you get that nasty bumb on your head Nigel?" [Nigel leans forward to show the camera as Murray pokes it with his finger !] Nigel: "OWCH!!"

Murray: And look at the flames coming from the back of Berger's McLaren

James: Actually, Murray, they're not flames, it's the safety light.

Murray, commentating on rallycross from Lydden, describes how a BMW driver has cut holes in his windscreen so that his visibility is improved in all the muck... as he is doing so, the car crashes heavily into an earth bank...

From the Spanish GP 1995: "and Eddie Jordan is in fifth place"... (actually Eddie Irvine in one of his compatriot Eddie Jordan's cars).

"...and he's lost both right front tyres" (which may have been accurate back in the days of the Tyrrell P34, but it was from 1995!)

[Joe.]

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman: "Where's the self-help section?"

She said that if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down £500 and says: "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies: "Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick."

[Phube]

Gordon Strachan -

I miss his post match interviews!!!

[Webbo]

Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?

Strachan: No. I was asked if I thought I was the right man for the job and I said, "No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless."

Reporter: Gordon, you must be delighted with that result?

Strachan: You're spot on! You can read me like a book.

Strachan: I've got more important things to think about. I've got a yogurt to finish by today, the expiry date is today. That can be my priority rather than Agustin Delgado.

Reporter: Bang, there goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?

Strachan: No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump of a bridge. Umm, I think I can take it, yeah.

Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?

Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there...

[Nod.E]

Do you always reply with one symbol?

[Father Ted]

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost £499 to £599.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman: "Where's the self-help section?"

She said that if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down £500 and says: "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies: "Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick."

[David O'Leary]

Do you always reply with one symbol?

yep

[the_bowman]

A Man United fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man United shirt. Arriving at the top of the ethereal staircase, he knocks on the pearly gates and out walks St Peter in a City scarf.

"I'm sorry mate," says St Peter, "No Man United fans in heaven"

"What!?" exclaims the man, astonished.

"You heard, no Man United fans."

"But, but... I've been a good man," replies the United supporter.

"Oh, really," says St Peter. "What have you done then?

"Well," said the guy, "A month before I died, I gave £10 to the starving children in Africa"

"Oh," says St Peter, "Anything else?"

"Well, two weeks before I died I also gave £10 to the homeless."

"Hmmm. Anything else?"

"Yeah. On the way home yesterday, I gave £10 to the Albanian orphans."

"Okay," says St Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the Boss."

Ten minutes pass before St Peter returns, and looks the fan straight in the eye.

"I've had a word with God and he agrees with me," he says.

and...

wait for it...

ok, ok I'll get on with it

"Here's your 30 quid back - now fook off."

[Lillehamring]

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which was sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard me or climb the ladder to success" she said. "Well", thought the man, "might as well carry on.

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success" she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Do me good or climb the ladder to success" she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.

When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man said, "My name's Cess"

dear god, potter, that joke is older than you!!!

[LoughboroughFox]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke,

when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off

the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Maude: What in

the hell is that? Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it? Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore. The

next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to

the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously

embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years

of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. "Doesn't

matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel." The pharmacist fainted.

[Steven]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke,

when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off

the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Maude: What in

the hell is that? Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it? Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore. The

next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to

the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously

embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years

of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. "Doesn't

matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel." The pharmacist fainted.

Either of them Australian?

[Kent Fox]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, blah, blah.

I love a true story with a happy ending. What was the camel's name, do you know??

Not that it matters, really.

Bless 'em!

[David O'Leary]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke,

when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off

the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Maude: What in

the hell is that? Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it? Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore. The

next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to

the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously

embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years

of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers. "Doesn't

matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel." The pharmacist fainted.

good'un

[Phube]

On the old lady joke them:

Three Nuns were at a criket match when a streaker ran by; two of them had a stroke, but the other one couldn't reach!!

[Simi]

Gordan Strachan is a genius!

[LoughboroughFox]

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, how much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it? The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her. "And by the way," the Blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus!!!!

[DB11]

There is a man speeding 100 mph down the motarway and he is knitting at the same time, so the cop pulls up by the side of him and shouts "Pullover! Pullover!" and the man replies, "No officer, it's a scarf"

:laugh:

[potter3]

An attorney and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The attorney asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The attorney persists. He explains how the game works..

"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa."

Again the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The attorney figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer.

"If you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

The blonde figures there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, so she agrees.

The attorney asks, "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?"

The blonde reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill, and hands it to the attorney.

Then she asks the attorney, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The attorney is puzzled. He uses his laptop to search for references. He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends emails to his co-workers and friends. No luck. After an hour, he gives up.

He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00. The blonde politely takes the $500.00 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The attorney, who is going nuts trying to figure it out, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the attorney $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

[the_bowman]

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.

Bad: It’s triplets.

Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife’s not talking to you

Bad: She wants a divorce

Ugly: She’s a lawyer

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing

Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door

Ugly: So are you

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room

Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there

Ugly: You’re in them

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids

Bad: You can’t find your birth control pills

Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion

Bad: He’s a cross-dresser

Ugly: He looks better than you

7. Good: You give the “birds and bees:†talk to your daughter

Bad: She keeps interrupting

Ugly: With corrections

8. Good: The postman’s early

Bad: He’s wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun

Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new

Bad: It’s another man

Ugly: He’s your best friend

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job

Bad: As a hooker

Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients

Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

[Geo V]

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school on Merseyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asks: "Well, if you're not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm a West Ham United fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Hammers fan?"

"Because my mum and dad are from the eastend, and my mum is a West Ham fan and my dad is a West Ham fan, so I'm a West Ham fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a West Ham fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time.

What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."

[dhermon]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman Boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate Would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever Seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your Business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned From my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best Stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

[Kent Fox]

BREAKING NEWS:

Apple computers announced today the development of a computer chip that can be implanted into a woman's breast and play music.

The I-TIT will cost £399 and is regarded as a major breakthrough as women are always moaning that men just stare at their tits and never listen to them.

[Wycombe Fox]

CHILLI CONTEST

Natal have a Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB. Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America .

Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILLI # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CHILLI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

CHILLI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CHILLI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILLI# 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CHILLI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium pill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.

CHILLI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CHILLI...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?

CHILLI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Average beef chilli, could use more tomato. Must admit the chilli peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILLI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone ice-cream.

CHILLI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CHILLI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILLI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILLI..

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chilli?

Judge # 3 - No Report.

[the_bowman]

Lipstick In School

According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom.That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY..

There are teachers, and then there are Educators.