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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Wycombe Fox

Wycombe Fox

Posted
Posted

Girls of age

What is the difference between girls aged:

8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68?

At 8 - You take her to bed

and tell her a story.

At 18 - You tell her a story

and take her to bed.

At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story

to take her to bed.

At 38 - She tells you a story

and takes you to bed.

At 48 - You tell her a story

to avoid going to bed.

At 58 - You stay in bed

to avoid her story.

At 68 - If you take her to bed,

that'll be a story!!

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Ben

Ben

Posted
Posted

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a cow field. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's bum.

"Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!

"I don't remember much after that..."

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lookwhaticando

lookwhaticando

Posted
Posted

The DBG makes a comeback. :cool:

------------------

David Beckham was out shopping one day. A salesman stopped him and asked him if he was interested in a Thermos flask.

"What's a Thermos?" asked Becks.

"Well, sir, it keeps your warm things warm and your cold things cold" said the salesman.

David thought this was excellent, and decided to buy the Thermos. Later that night, he told Victoria what he'd bought.

"What's a Thermos?" she asks him.

"It keeps your hot things hot and your cold things cold" he replied.

"What have you got in it?" she asked.

"Two cups of tea and a choc ice".

tumbleweed.gif

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Zingari

Zingari

Posted
Posted
A Porter from Gonville and Caius,

Grew potatoes on both of his knees.

On the end of his nose,

Grew a rare kind of rose.

But you'll never guess where he grew these!

:ph34r:

Maybe we need a Limericks thread. :|

on this evidence i beg to differ :whistle:

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Daggers

Daggers

Posted
  • Author
Posted
No one gets it. Thracian operates on a different intellectual plane to the rest of us. A plane where reality has no bearing.

I would have preferred an analogy involving a plane, a holding pattern over Kent and a hat full of rabbits

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Wycombe Fox

Wycombe Fox

Posted
Posted

A woman asks her husband for £3000 for a boob job.

"£3000? you must be fecking joking" he said, "get a folded up piece of toilet paper & keep rubbing it up & down your cleavage".

"Will that make my boobs bigger?" she asks.

"Well it works well enough on your arse" replied the husband.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

"The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: ‘My friend is dead! What can I do?’ The operator says: ‘Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’

"There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: ‘OK, now what?’"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help.

The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lay down & wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up & gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs.

So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back & goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes & looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up & drives them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

'No,' she says, 'they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.

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AoWW

AoWW

Posted
Posted
A NEW JOKE TO ADD.

What does a dwarf get when they walk through a pair of womens legs?

A 'Clit' round the ear and a 'Flap' round the face.

:o Shocking!

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General Smuts

General Smuts

Posted
Posted

In a mad rush, Leicester had to donate one of their keeper strips to Coventry resulting in both keepers sporting the Leicester badge. One Leicester player said, “I feel sorry for Frank Sinclair. He didn’t know what end to score an own goal in.â€

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