The joke thread

[Phube]

[Leicester Lass]

Phube!

[Wycombe Fox]

In light of the recent terrorist attack in London & Glasgow, Scotland Yard have announced that they would like to interview the following suspects - Maheed Zonfyer, Singemaheed Inajeep, Rammah Jeepdeep, Amajeep Bashir, Akansmell Fohrsta, Akan Zmellgaz & the ringleader, Nahair Onmaheed Noo.

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Singe Maheed the Glasgow bomber is complaining that all he's being fed in hospital is haggis, neeps and tatties.

What the **** does he expect in the Burns unit!

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The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £30. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love o'decency,here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit."

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A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes

off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks

by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection

comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?" The man replies, "No,

what do you mean?" She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a

rule here that if you get an erection, it means that you called for me."

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a

towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna

and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out

of the steam room toward him, " Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer. "You must be new, "says the hairy

man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it means that you called for me." The

huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way

with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the

smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says. The man yells,

Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the

$250 membership fee. "But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a

few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day."

[jaffa1970]

What's the difference between a magicians wand and a coppers baton?

One's for cunning stunts

The other........

[AoWW]

What's the difference between a magicians wand and a coppers baton?

One's for cunning stunts

The other........

:laugh:

[davieG]

What's the difference between a magicians wand and a coppers baton?

One's for cunning stunts

The other........

What's the difference between a Prime Minister and a Factory Foreman?

One knows all the facts about the country

[Lichfieldfox.]

Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them. The king was a very jealous man.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the king's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the royal chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the king and queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the cure for the itch.

The king quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1, 000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the king, with a laugh just told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the king's underwear. The king immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

Moral of the story: Pay your bills!

[Lichfieldfox.]

The following questions and answers were collected from last year's exam

results (GCSE's). These are genuine responses!! (from 16year olds)!

classics

Geography

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to

drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large

pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends

to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and

nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?

A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology

Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?

A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen)

A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the

abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the

heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels,

A,E,I,O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?

A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?

A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?

A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."

A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?

A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?

A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like

umbrellas.

English

Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its

meaning.

A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology

Q: What is a turbine?

A: Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head

[AoWW]

The following questions and answers were collected from last year's exam

results (GCSE's). These are genuine responses!! (from 16year olds)!

classics <etc, etc>

I just wish I was shocked, or surprised even... strangely enough - I'm not!

[General Smuts]

[General Smuts]

The darwin awards ...

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS, President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:

On March 23,1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect, indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window which killed him instantly.

Neither the shooter nor the descender was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide."

That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. The room on the ninth floor, whence the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.

When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

[NorthernFox]

8 Asian Doctors, three bombs, no deaths.

Harold Shipman. 1 Doctor. 1 Syringe. 300 Deaths.

Makes you proud to be British.

[Flynny]

The darwin awards ...

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS, President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:

On March 23,1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to that effect, indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window which killed him instantly.

Neither the shooter nor the descender was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide."

That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands. The room on the ninth floor, whence the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus.

When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

Seen 'Magnolia'? Brilliant film. Opens with that story.

[General Smuts]

Seen 'Magnolia'? Brilliant film. Opens with that story.

Thats where i got it from

Im glad somebody has some taste! Jerry Maguire + Capote = Cinematic Geniousness!

Edited 12 July 2007 by Leicester's Finest Fox

[samingram_uk]

Seen 'Magnolia'? Brilliant film. Opens with that story.

Im trying to find the flim, but cant seem too. Well just the opening scene really.

[General Smuts]

If it helps its got tom cruise in it and is directed by paul thomas anderson.

[Wycombe Fox]

Paddy shows an Essex girl the L and R labels in his wellies and explains they mean left and right

"Oh!" she says, "now I understand the C & A label in my thong!"

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Baggage handlers at Glasgow Airport were said to be furious when the Indian they ordered turned up burnt.

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Mongo is a Zambian orphan who walks 5 miles to school each day. With your help of just 2p a month, we can buy a whip to make the lazy bastard run.

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Paddy & Mick go to the morgue to identify Shamus's badly burnt body.

Paddy goes in first, turns the body over, looks at his bum & says "thats not him!"

Mick goes in next, turns the body over, looks at his bum & says "you're right Paddy, its not him!"

Doctor says "how do you know its not him"

"because when the three of us walked down the road, folk would say "here comes Shamus with the two arseholes."

Edited 12 July 2007 by Isle of Wight Fox

[Royston.]

Husband and wife go out for dinner leaving their butler Jeeves to have a relaxing night off.

Wife leaves the restaurant early with a headache but leaves husband to enjoy the meal.

Wife gets home to find Jeeves spread out on the sofa watching tv.

Wife: Jeeves, take off my blouse - Jeeves whips it off with minimum effort

Wife: Now take off my skirt - Jeeves slips the skirt off quick as a flash

Wife: Now remove my bra and panties - Jeeves does as hes told

Wife, Now Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!

[dhermon]

A man and a woman meet at a bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.

Suddenly, they hear a noise at the door and the woman says, "Quick, my husband is home. Go hide in the bathroom!"

The husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.

The woman smiles and says coyly, "Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready!"

"Okay," the husband replies, "I'll be back in a minute."

Before his wife can stop him, he goes into the bathroom and sees the naked man standing there clapping his hands. "Who the hell are you!" the husband asks.

"I'm from the extermination company. Your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having trouble with."

The husband, getting angrier by the moment, exclaims, "Then why you are naked!"

The man then looks down at himself and exclaims,

"Those little bastards!"

[Webbo]

A man goes to the optician and the optician says

''You're going to have to stop masturbating.''

Man''Why? It doesn't really send you blind does it?''

Optician''No but you're upsetting the ladies in the waiting room.''

[Mickey O'Neil]

Bono, the lead singer of the band, U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.

Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, ‘Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies’.

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierces the quiet........

..............Well, foockin stop doin it then!’

[Asha]

Bono, the lead singer of the band, U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.

Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies'.

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierces the quiet........

..............Well, foockin stop doin it then!'

genius

[Geo V]

The old ones are the best

I got this text the other day.....

Wife gets naked and asks hubby "What turns you on more, my pretty face or sexy body?". Hubby looks her up and down and replies "Your fookin sense of humour"

[hairy]

[skinnydipper]

A golfer is out early one morning and drives his ball 300 yards down the middle of the fairway. When he gets to his ball he realises it is nestling in a beautiful clump of golden buttercups. Not wanting to destoy the flowers he moves his ball and places it on the grass. As he prepares to play his next shot there is a big puff of smoke and a genie appears. He says "I am the genie of nature. As you have saved those beautiful flowers you shall have a reward". "Thats great" says the golfer "what is it?" The genie replies "well as you saved those beautiful buttercups your reward shall be a years supply of free butter" " You bastard " the golfer says "where were you on the last hole when I was in the pussy willow?"