The joke thread

[mark1983]

What did cinderella do when she got to the ball ?

She gagged

[mark1983]

A cowboy walks into a bar and his stomach is rumbling he is so hungry he asks the barman if he has anything to eat the barman says sorry mate i gave my last bowl of soup to that bloke over there.

The cowboy turns round and sees a man sitting looking miserable with a bowl of soup in front of him. He walks up to the bloke and says excuse me but are you going to eat that he asks. The bloke says please yourself mate take it.

He does so and wolfs the lot down until he gets to the bottom and sees a mouse in his soup he soon spews his guts up in disgust.

The other bloke walks upto him and says yeah mate thats as far as i got too.

[Ajax Treesdown]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said,

"I'll give you £100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down,and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down''

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She responded, "The ba***rd used coins!"

[Wycombe Fox]

Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?" asked the Irishman, walking up

to the counter.

The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?"

"If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? demanded the Irishman indignantly.

" Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?" then, warming to his theme, he went on:

"Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would

ya? Would Ya?"

The assistant said: "Well no".

Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it

up a gear.

"And if I asked you for frog's legs, would you ask me if I

was French? What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't," conceded the assistant.

So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says,

"Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because

I asked for Irish sausages?"

The assistant replied: Because you're in f**king Homebase!!!

[Wycombe Fox]

Michael Barrymore has said that he is giving up panto.

Apparently he is still getting alot of aggro about doing Aladdin a few years ago.

[Wycombe Fox]

30 years ago 20 white men chasing a black man was called the Ku Klux Klan nowadays its called Formula One.

Go Lewis!!!!

[AoWW]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, that was addressed to "Dad."

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mum.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, leather clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am, but it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and E's.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's in my centre desk drawer.

Call me when it's safe to come home!

[Leicester's 12th Man]

[dhermon]

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters

sat on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off you liar!".

"I'll prove it," Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

[Tubes]

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters

sat on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off you liar!".

"I'll prove it," Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

[Phube]

[lookwhaticando]

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... and well worth the wait !!!!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on

scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If

I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump

off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get

burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna

sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and

cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death

as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known

how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have

given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or

enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch"

[potter3]

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... and well worth the wait !!!!

--------

Liam Gallagher is sitting in a resaurant and sees "Oasis Soup" on the menu and says to the waiter, "I'll have the Oasis Soup."

The waiter brings back the soup and Liam says, "Here! That looks like tomato soup to me. Why's that Oasis Soup?"

The waiter says, "Well, you've got a roll with it."

-------

A South African, an Aussie and a Londoner were sitting in a pub having a pint of beer.

The South African grabs his beer downs it, tosses his glass into the air, draws a handgun and shoots the glass in mid-air. He grins to the other two, puts the gun down on the bar and says

"In Souff Efrika we haf so many glasses we never drink out of the same glass twice".

The Aussie then downs his beer throws his glass into the air, grabs the gun off the bar, shoots the glass, puts the gun back on the bar and proclaims;

"Ay mate, in Oz we have so much sand which makes glass really cheap so we too never drink out of the same glass twice".

The Londoner looks at the two of them, finishes his beer, puts the glass down on the bar, picks up the gun, shoots both the Aussie and the South African and says;

"In London we have so many South Africans and Aussies that we never have to drink with the same one twice.

-------------

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"No, a straw," says the Tramp.

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".

-----------

Edited 19 June 2007 by potter3

[davieG]

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... and well worth the wait !!!!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on

scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If

I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump

off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get

burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna

sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and

cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death

as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.She said, "If I'd known

how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have

given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or

enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,

"Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch"

The blonde guy was Beckham when I heard it

[AoWW]

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... and well worth the wait !!!!

Sorry but IMVHO, that's shite!

[lookwhaticando]

Sorry but IMVHO, that's shite!

Don't shoot the messenger.

And all that...

[Smudge]

Frog Sex

A young lady goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.

The sign says: SEX FROGS! Only $20 each! Money Back Guaranteed! Come with complete instructions!

The girl excitedly looks around to see if any body's watching her. She whispers softly to the young man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she grabs the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what the instructions say:

1. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you

5. Allow the frog to follow its training.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her dismay, nothing happens! The girl is very disappointed and quite upset. She grabs the instructions and rereads them and then notices at the bottom of the page, in small print, it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So, she calls the pet store. The same young man is still at work. When he hears her problem, he says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her door bell. The young lady welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn thing just sits there. The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly

into its eyes and sternly says: "Now you listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE more time. "

[Asha]

little nick says to his mom 'is it a bad thing to have a cock?'

his mom replies 'no, dear, why?'

little nick says 'because i just saw dad upstairs trying to pull his off....'

the right thread this time

[Webbo]

A school leaver gets a job in the morgue, on his first day he goes to his manager and says

''There's a woman in the vault with a prawn in her fanny''.

''You'd better show me ''says the manager.

They both go downstairs and look.

''You tw@t'' says the manager''that's her clitoris''.

''Well it tasted like a prawn''.

I'll get me coat.

[THEBIGJOHNSTEADER;]

A school leaver gets a job in the morgue, on his first day he goes to his manager and says

''There's a woman in the vault with a prawn in her fanny''.

''You'd better show me ''says the manager.

They both go downstairs and look.

''You tw@t'' says the manager''that's her clitoris''.

''Well it tasted like a prawn''.

I'll get me coat.

..you pushed it too far

[Wycombe Fox]

I crashed the car today. I hit a car from behind.

The fella got out and he was a dwarf.

He said "I'm not happy".

So I said "well which one are you then?"

[Zingari]

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an

animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more!

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more,

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly.

"In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.

"Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell

'Mississippi'

[JoeyB]

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an

animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.

Den I come.

Den two asses come together.

I come once-a-more!

Two asses, they come together again.

I come again and pee twice.

Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more,

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly.

"In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.

"Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell

'Mississippi'

Pure Genius

[LCGJess]

A school leaver gets a job in the morgue, on his first day he goes to his manager and says

''There's a woman in the vault with a prawn in her fanny''.

''You'd better show me ''says the manager.

They both go downstairs and look.

''You tw@t'' says the manager''that's her clitoris''.

''Well it tasted like a prawn''.

I'll get me coat.

ok, that's actually sick...

[The People's Hero]

Haha! What a sig! Quality!