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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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lildave3

lildave3

Posted
Posted

A drunk man picks himself up after being chucked out of a pub for having no money, and comes across a broken down car. When he asks the driver what's the problem, the driver replies 'Piston Broke mate'

To which the drunk said 'Me too mate, me too' and carried on walking.

I can't tell jokes :unsure:

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blue blood

blue blood

Posted
Posted

Who is Jack Schitt? Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says: "You don't know Jack Schitt."

Now you can intellectually handle the situation:

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt.

They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The Deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents objection, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were still living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Shitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens Wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Daawg, Byrd, Hoarse and Bull.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", You can correct them!

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davieG

davieG

Posted
Posted

A young man's dream!

I pulled an old woman at a club last night.

She was a right sort for 37, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog and she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter 3 some?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night, so I went back to hers.

She put the hall light on and and shouted upstairs:

"Mum you still awake?"

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Alexikokopops

Alexikokopops

Posted
Posted
I pulled an old woman at a club last night.

She was a right sort for 37, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog and she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter 3 some?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night, so I went back to hers.

She put the hall light on and and shouted upstairs:

"Mum you still awake?"

We've all been there...

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lookwhaticando

lookwhaticando

Posted
Posted

Honey, Not Tonight

I have never understood why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

The passion starts to heat up, when she eventually said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She then responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not for what I do in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep...

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.

We went out to a good lunch and then went shopping at a very big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just get them all.

She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said "Let's get a pair for each outfit".

We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she then asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"

I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

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lildave3

lildave3

Posted
Posted
Honey, Not Tonight

I have never understood why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

The passion starts to heat up, when she eventually said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She then responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not for what I do in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep...

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.

We went out to a good lunch and then went shopping at a very big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just get them all.

She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said "Let's get a pair for each outfit".

We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she then asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"

I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

lol:appl: Quality stuff :thumbup:

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Zingari

Zingari

Posted
Posted

NELSON MANDELA

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,

"You Sign! You sign!"

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,

"You Sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.

He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,

"You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:

"Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.

On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,

"You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:

"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:

(It's a beauty)

(Wait for it)

(Get your best Chinese accent ready)

"You not Nissan Main Deala?"

:D

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dhermon

dhermon

Posted
Posted

Wisdom of Larry, the Cable Guy

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow

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Phube

Phube

Posted
Posted

Lots of good one liners!!

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It

was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"

I said, "No, permanent."

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,

"You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his

name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it

down.

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,

"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.

I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went

T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my

hand."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a

Volkswagen with no driver.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best

Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said

"No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke

said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just

went on and on.

The recruitment consultan t asked me "What do you think of voluntary

work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,

"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is

for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin

paper.

He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me

on?"

I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you

anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip

outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes

first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd

been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to

say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me

managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and

asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing

a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the

shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two

counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"

I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the

splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays

or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant

Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman

Forever?"

He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

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