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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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AoWW

AoWW

Posted
Posted

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:

"God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof!... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed:

"God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."

Poof!... God gave him a rowing boat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour, after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:

"God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river."

Poof!... He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, walked one hundred yards upstream and sauntered across the bridge. :whistle:

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AoWW

AoWW

Posted
Posted

HEADLINE: TEACHER ARRESTED AT NEW YORK AIRPORT

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country." As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president.

:thumbup:

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JoeyB

JoeyB

Posted
Posted
Don't know whether anybody saw G Bush being 'pooped' on by a bird at a press conference the other day..

He's not taking it lightly. He has already ordered attacks on the Canary Islands and Turkey.

:nono::thumbdown:

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The People's Hero

The People's Hero

Posted
Posted
Honey, Not Tonight

I have never understood why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

The passion starts to heat up, when she eventually said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She then responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not for what I do in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep...

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.

We went out to a good lunch and then went shopping at a very big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just get them all.

She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said "Let's get a pair for each outfit".

We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she then asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"

I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

First rate!

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Wycombe Fox

Wycombe Fox

Posted
Posted

The children were trying very hard to become accustomed to Year 1.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on "NO baby

talk!"

"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend? "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.

Use 'Big people' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a choo-choo."

She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.

You must remember to use 'Big People' words."

She then asked little Alec what he had done? "I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his little chest with great

pride, and said,

"Winnie the SHIT."

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Wycombe Fox

Wycombe Fox

Posted
Posted

A couple were invited to a masked fancy dress party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He protested but she argued, said she was going to take some painkillers and go to bed.

So he took his costume away and went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for a while, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching him.

She soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor dancing with loads of women, flirting, kissing and copping a few sly feels.

His wife went up to him, and being a seductive babe herself, he devoted himself to her, unaware of who she was.

She let him go as far as he wished since he was her husband, and they ended up having intercourse in the back seat of a car.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home and put the costume away, getting into bed and wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked how the evening went.

He replied "Actually I never even danced one dance.

When I got there I met Peter, Bill and some other guys so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening".

She sarcastically said "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night", to which the husband replied "I gave my costume to your Dad and apparently he had the time of his life"

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Wycombe Fox

Wycombe Fox

Posted
Posted

A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder. He sits down and orders a beer. As he's drinking his beer, his monkey starts running around. The monkey first picks up an olive from an empty glass and eats it. Then grabs a wedge of lime and eats that too. The bartender is amazed! The monkey then runs to a pool table where he proceeds to grab the cue ball and swallow it whole!

The barman shrieks, "Hey mate your monkey has just swallowed the cue ball!".

The guy replies " I'm sorry, he's crazy, I'll pay for any damage." The man pays for the cue ball, then apologises and leaves the pub.

Two weeks later the man returns with the monkey again. He sits down and orders a beer. As he's drinking, the monkey jumps on top of the bar, grabs a cocktail cherry, jams it up his arse, and then eats it! The bartender is astonished. He shrieks, "Mate, your monkey just shoved a cherry up his backside and then he ate it!"

The man replies, " I'm not suprised! After the cue ball, he's learned to measure everything first!"

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lildave3

lildave3

Posted
Posted
A couple were invited to a masked fancy dress party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He protested but she argued, said she was going to take some painkillers and go to bed.

So he took his costume away and went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for a while, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching him.

She soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor dancing with loads of women, flirting, kissing and copping a few sly feels.

His wife went up to him, and being a seductive babe herself, he devoted himself to her, unaware of who she was.

She let him go as far as he wished since he was her husband, and they ended up having intercourse in the back seat of a car.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home and put the costume away, getting into bed and wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked how the evening went.

He replied "Actually I never even danced one dance.

When I got there I met Peter, Bill and some other guys so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening".

She sarcastically said "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night", to which the husband replied "I gave my costume to your Dad and apparently he had the time of his life"

:laugh:

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Leicester's 12th Man

Leicester's 12th Man

Posted
Posted

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three guys found themselves in Hell. Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Jennifer Ellison. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

"Jennifer, you have sinned."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A small boy is sent to bed by his father...

[Five minutes later]

"Da-ad..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

[Five minutes later]

"Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

[Five minutes later]

"Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

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Ultra

Ultra

Posted
Posted

A Nottingham Forest fan walks past a video shop. In the window is a sign saying "FOREST GLORY YEARS - THE VIDEO. ONLY £3.99"

"Wow, what a bargain", he says to himself and goes into the shop.

He asks the assistant if he can buy a copy. The assistant says yes and wraps the video up before ringing it up on the till.

The Forest fan is shocked to find the till reading is £203.98.

"Excuse me" he tells the assistant, "but your sign said the video is only £3.99".

"So it is" came the reply, "but I assume you'll want a Betamax machine in order to watch it...".

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Ajax Treesdown

Ajax Treesdown

Posted
Posted

A guy goes out clubbing, spots this lovely looking Chinese girl and asks her to dance.

They get on very well, more dances, a few drinks and at the end of the night she asks him: "Would you like to come back to my place for coffee?" which of course he does.

They arrive at her flat and she tells him to sit down, have a drink while she slips on something more comfortable.

Well, he has his drink and out she comes wearing a see-though nightie and says: "Tonight I'm you're complete sex slave.

“You can do anything you want with me," to which he replies: "wow that's great—I'd really love a 69!"

"fook off!" she says. "I'm not cooking this time of night!"

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