Amusing News Stories

[MikeyT]

disgusting

can you believe anyone would drink Jack Daniels and Coke without ice?!

[Webbo]

India Uncut.

How Termites Ended The Dreams Of One Dwarika Prasad

What would Shakespeare have done with Dwarika Prasad? Consider this man’s tragedy: first his wife leaves him, and he is alone in his old age; then his savings get wiped out because he kept his money in a bank locker and termites ate it all.

Prasad claims he had kept Rs 4.5 lakh in cash, FD papers, Kisan Vikas Patras and National Savings Certificates worth Rs 2.5 lakh apart from some gold and silver jewellery in the locker two years ago. He showed the perforated currencies and documents to the bank authorities, who in turn showed him a notice pasted on the wall near the locker room requesting customers to remove their important papers from lockers as termites were eating up the documents!

Needless to say the notice had escaped his attention, and now his money, a lifetime’s work, his Gogol’s overcoat, was gone. The bank in question was a government bank, of course, though I would hesitate to attribute any metaphorical significance to the termites.

[Fox You Forest]

OAP shoplifter lacks bite

A 70-year-old shoplifter tried to evade capture by biting an arresting officer before realising he'd left his dentures at home.

Pensioner Gustav Ernegger turned on the policeman when he grabbed him as he ran out of a clothes shop in Braunschweig, Germany, after stealing a shirt.

But instead of sinking his teeth into the officer's arm, he was only able to leave a wet mark from his gums.

Police spokesman Gunther Brauner said: "He tried to bite the officer several times, but had forgotten to put his false teeth in and so was unable to cause him any harm."

Gentleman mugger jailed

A gentleman mugger has been jailed despite his elderly victim's pleas for him to be let off because he was so polite.

The pensioner told the court in Salzburg, Austria, that she had not come across such a well mannered criminal for a long time.

The man grabbed the old woman's bag and ran off but returned when he noticed she had fallen to the ground.

"When he saw me fall, he came back. Criminals just don't do that any more," she said.

"He was very neat and well mannered and asked me not to report him. He said he was really sorry, but was just desperate for money," she told the court.

The 27-year-old, who has not been named, then helped his victim search for her keys which had fallen out when he grabbed the bag.

Police arrested the well mannered mugger after being called out by a passer-by who had witnessed the incident.

He was jailed for two-and-a-half years despite the pensioner's testimony after it was revealed it was not his first offence.

[Fox You Forest]

Did anyone else hear about that lady that was sitting on the same toliet for 2 years str8??? I've read the reports but I cant find any pics

She supposedly had a "phobia" about leaving the bathroom. Her boyfriend thought it was kind of strange but didn't want to interfere. They had to take her to the hospital with the toilet seat still attached because her skin had grown around it. That statement makes me think she was pretty overweight, but I don't know that for a fact.

Anyway, ewww!

WICHITA, Kan. (AP) - Deputies say a woman in western Kansas became stuck on her boyfriend's toilet after sitting on it for two years.

Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple said it appeared the 35-year-old Ness City woman's skin had grown around the seat. She initially refused emergency medical services but was finally convinced by responders and her boyfriend that she needed to be checked out at a hospital.

"We pried the toilet seat off with a pry bar and the seat went with her to the hospital," Whipple said. "The hospital removed it."

Whipple said investigators planned to present their report Wednesday to the county attorney, who will determine whether any charges should be filed against the woman's 36-year-old boyfriend.

"She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body," Whipple said. "It is hard to imagine. ... I still have a hard time imagining it myself."

He told investigators he brought his girlfriend food and water, and asked her every day to come out of the bathroom.

"And her reply would be, `Maybe tomorrow,'" Whipple said. "According to him, she did not want to leave the bathroom."

The boyfriend called police on Feb. 27 to report that "there was something wrong with his girlfriend," Whipple said, adding that he never explained why it took him two years to call.

Police found the clothed woman sitting on the toilet, her sweat pants down to her mid-thigh. She was "somewhat disoriented," and her legs looked like they had atrophied, Whipple said.

"She said that she didn't need any help, that she was OK and did not want to leave," he said.

She was taken to a hospital in Wichita, about 150 miles southeast of Ness City. Whipple said she has refused to cooperate with medical providers or law enforcement investigators.

Authorities said they did not know if she was mentally or physically disabled.

Police have declined to release the couple's names, but the house where authorities say the incident happened is listed in public records as the residence of Kory McFarren. No one answered his home phone number.

The case has been the buzz Ness City, said James Ellis, a neighbor.

"I don't think anybody can make any sense out of it," he said.

Ellis said he had known the woman since she was a child but that he had not seen her for at least six years.

He said she had a tough childhood after her mother died at a young age and apparently was usually kept inside the house as she grew up. At one time the woman worked for a long-term care facility, he said, but he did not know what kind of work she did there.

"It really doesn't surprise me," Ellis said of the bathroom incident. "What surprises me is somebody wasn't called in a bit earlier."

Link

I for one am glad there are no pictures.

[Webbo]

I shouldn't laugh.poor little sod.

[Zingari]

I shouldn't laugh.poor little sod.

poor little bugger won't know if he's coming or going

i bet he'll be popular when they start playing leap frog

Edited 11 June 2008 by Zingari

[MPH]

Woman falls in love with and marries the Eiffel tower

I think i would prefer for this story to of been made up.

Edited 11 June 2008 by MPH

[Webbo]

i bet he'll be popular when they start playing leap frog

[l444ry]

Organ grinder and his monkey banned from the streets on health and safety grounds.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-10...ty-reasons.html

[Simi]

Organ grinder and his monkey banned from the streets on health and safety grounds.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-10...ty-reasons.html

For the best, I hope now the people of Matlock can sleep at night knowing that this potential murderer is off the streets.

[Webbo]

LINK

Woman ‘tricked into sex’ by penis cream treatment

A Syrian-born airline pilot allegedly tricked a schoolteacher from Haverfordwest into having sex with him by pretending he had to administer ointment on the end of his penis, a jury heard yesterday (Tuesday).

Fadi Sbano, 38, even pretended to know a gynaecologist who advised him on how often to have intercourse with her and whether to thrust "slowly or quickly". And, on the "doctor's advice", he kept a clock on the bedside table to time the sessions.

The teacher put up with the treatment for nine months before telling her doctor.

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Huw Rees, prosecuting, told Swansea crown court: "The allegations here are of rape by deception."

Mr Rees said the pair met while Sbano was based at Gatwick and the teacher was working nearby.

In November, 2000, she discovered a rash of white spots and feared that typhoid, which she contracted on holiday some years before, had returned.

Sbano claimed he was in talks with a gynaecologist who was anxious for a certain cream to be applied, the prosecutor said.

"He (Sbano) suggested he would apply the cream to his penis and apply it inside her.

Mr Rees said the woman found the sessions "Clinical, not at all erotic". She consented only because she believed it was a proper treatment.

"When the insertions took place, and depending on the instructions of his friend, he would thrust slowly or quickly for anything from one to ten minutes,"

Her doctor told her to find out the identity of Sbano's gynaecologist friend but he "became evasive and never gave his name" beyond the word "Ibby".

"It began to dawn on her that he had devised this treatment in order to have sex with her on his terms."

Mr Rees said "Ibby" was traced but said he knew nothing about the treatment.

Sbano was arrested at Heathrow while attending a pilots' training facility.

He claimed the woman had invented the entire story about the "treatment".

Sbano, from Harrow, London, denies nine charges of rape and 11 or obtaining money by deception.

The trial continues.

[Zingari]

Prisoner Freed For Being Too Fat

A Montreal man serving time for drug smuggling has walked to freedom after authorities said he was too fat to be kept in jail.

Michel Lapointe - also known as Big Mike - was set free three months before his scheduled release date because his 30st weight was making prison life "hell".

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/5/20081113/twl-pr...at-3fd0ae9.html

Edited 18 November 2008 by Zingari

[DB11]

Prisoner Freed For Being Too Fat

A Montreal man serving time for drug smuggling has walked to freedom after authorities said he was too fat to be kept in jail.

Michel Lapointe - also known as Big Mike - was set free three months before his scheduled release date because his 30st weight was making prison life "hell".

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/5/20081113/twl-pr...at-3fd0ae9.html

There are obviously other reasons, the media just focus on a very slight one and make it bigger...

[Zingari]

Nigerian police detain goat over armed robbery

Fri Jan 23, 10:55 am ET

LAGOS (Reuters) – Police in Nigeria are holding a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.

Vigilantes took the black and white beast to the police saying it was an armed robber who had used black magic to transform himself into a goat to escape arrest after trying to steal a Mazda 323.

"The group of vigilante men came to report that while they were on patrol they saw some hoodlums attempting to rob a car. They pursued them. However one of them escaped while the other turned into a goat," Kwara state police spokesman Tunde Mohammed told Reuters by telephone.

"We cannot confirm the story, but the goat is in our custody. We cannot base our information on something mystical. It is something that has to be proved scientifically, that a human being turned into a goat," he said.

Belief in witchcraft is widespread in parts of Nigeria, Africa's most populous nation. Residents came to the police station to see the goat, photographed in one national newspaper on its knees next to a pile of straw.

(Reporting by Nick Tattersall; Editing by Katie Nguyen)

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/oukoe_uk_nigeria_robbery_goat

I would have thought that a goat would prefer a Capri

[Fosse Boy]

Nigerian police detain goat over armed robbery

Fri Jan 23, 10:55 am ET

LAGOS (Reuters) – Police in Nigeria are holding a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.

Vigilantes took the black and white beast to the police saying it was an armed robber who had used black magic to transform himself into a goat to escape arrest after trying to steal a Mazda 323.

"The group of vigilante men came to report that while they were on patrol they saw some hoodlums attempting to rob a car. They pursued them. However one of them escaped while the other turned into a goat," Kwara state police spokesman Tunde Mohammed told Reuters by telephone.

"We cannot confirm the story, but the goat is in our custody. We cannot base our information on something mystical. It is something that has to be proved scientifically, that a human being turned into a goat," he said.

Belief in witchcraft is widespread in parts of Nigeria, Africa's most populous nation. Residents came to the police station to see the goat, photographed in one national newspaper on its knees next to a pile of straw.

(Reporting by Nick Tattersall; Editing by Katie Nguyen)

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/oukoe_uk_nigeria_robbery_goat

I would have thought that a goat would prefer a Capri

[Zingari]

http://www.alertnet.org/thenews/newsdesk/DEL362873.htm

Boy marries dog in India

18 Feb 2009 14:17:25 GMT

Source: Reuters

By Jatindra Dash

BHUBANESWAR, India, Feb 18 (Reuters) - An infant boy was married off to his neighbours' dog in eastern India by villagers who said it will stop the groom from being killed by wild animals, officials and witnesses said on Wednesday.

Around 150 tribespeople performed the ritual recently in a hamlet in the state of Orissa's Jajpur district after the boy, who is under two years old, grew a tooth on his upper gum.

The Munda tribe see such a growth in young children as a bad omen and believe it makes them prone to attacks by tigers and another animals. The tribal god will bless the child and ward off evil spirits after the marriage.

"We performed the marriage because it will overcome any curse that might fall on the child as well on us," the boy's father, Sanarumala Munda, was quoted as saying by a local newspaper.

The groom, Sagula, was carried by his family in procession to the village temple, where a priest solemnised the marriage between Sagula and his bride Jyoti by chanting Sanskrit hymns, a witness said.

The villagers then ate a feast with rich food and alcohol to celebrate.

The dog belongs to the groom's neighbours and was set free to roam around the area after the ceremony. No dowry was exchanged, the witness said, and the boy will still be able to marry a human bride in the future without filing for divorce.

Indian law does not recognise weddings between people and animals, but the ritual survives in rural and tribal areas of the country where millions are illiterate. (Editing by Matthias Williams)

PS

this thread ought to be renamed "Amuzingari News Stories" as i'm the only one who seems to be posting in it now

Edited 18 February 2009 by Zingari

[DB11]

this thread ought to be renamed "Amuzingari News Stories" as i'm the only one who seems to be posting in it now

Because you're the only one who goes looking on Indian tribal web sites?

[Nationwider]

Headline in today's Times:

VIOLENT END FOR THE CELEBRITY CHIMP WHO SAVAGED HANDLER IN DRUG-FUELLED RAMPAGE

Whilst their online version goes for:

Celebrity chimp who savaged handler in drug-fuelled frenzy shot dead

I'm sick of these chimp sleaze stories. There's no integrity in the world of celebrity primates these days. Clyde and the PG Tips boys must be turning in their chimpy graves.

[Zingari]

Headline in today's Times:

VIOLENT END FOR THE CELEBRITY CHIMP WHO SAVAGED HANDLER IN DRUG-FUELLED RAMPAGE

Whilst their online version goes for:

Celebrity chimp who savaged handler in drug-fuelled frenzy shot dead

I'm sick of these chimp sleaze stories. There's no integrity in the world of celebrity primates these days. Clyde and the PG Tips boys must be turning in their chimpy graves.

you raise some serious issues about primates in the entertainment industry .

have you noticed how all the good roles go to bonobos and chimps ?

occasionally the orang-utan gets a look in . But what about gorillas ? all they get is stereotypical roles as chest beating thugs , it's blatant racism . i blame attenborough

i have a dream that one little chimps , orang-utans and gorillas can sit at a tea party in perfect harmony

Edited 19 February 2009 by Zingari

[Bellend Sebastian]

Bloody hell, I'll have to change my profile pic if Mr Jiggs ever gets up to anything like that.

He may well be dead now anyway

[Nationwider]

Hello, my name is Mr Driver's Licence, to be sure, to be sure.

LINK

[Zingari]

keeping on a name changing theme ;

Christine Hamilton has changed her name by deed poll to 'Mrs British Battleaxe', she has announced.

The wife of former Tory MP Neil Hamilton confirmed that she made the change in order to promote an online deed poll provider.

http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/showbiz/a14634...-battleaxe.html

[l444ry]

Law Lords deport Abu Qatada because his beard is too long.

Jordanian terrorist and beard fanatic Abu Qatada lost his appeal against deportation. In a unanimous decision, five Law Lords lambasted the length of the radical cleric's beard, saying that there was simply no room in the country for beards of that length.

Qatada's beard, which stretches from London to Birmingham, has been used to conceal a bomb-making factory, three madrassas (Islamic schools) and a mosque. Indeed, the beard is believed to be responsible for more than one pile up on the M1, and the radical cleric is now attended by fifty servants who have to carry his beard to prevent him tripping over it.

Qatada had argued that beard growth is discouraged in Jordan, where the king and most of his subjects are clean-shaven, and that he would be forced to shave it off, which amounts to torture. However, Lord Phillips of Worth Matravers, sitting with Lords Hoffmann, Hope, Brown and Mance, said that "uncontrolled beard growth has no place in a modern society".

The House of Lords also dismissed appeals by five other beaded radicals, who were not in court at the time due to "limited space". All six terrorists are contemplating appealing to the European Court. BBC legal analyst Joshua Beefburger said that a special court will be built in the Hague to accommodate each appellant and his beard.

[Zingari]

you can only get into britain if you got the right connections

half bro to the world's most powerful man don't cut it

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/...to-Britain.html

[DB11]

you can only get into britain if you got the right connections

half bro to the world's most powerful man don't cut it

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/...to-Britain.html

Using biometric tests, they discovered that he was linked to a serious crime in Britain last November, according to the News of the World.

That not a good enough reason?