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James.

Amusing News Stories

By James., in General Chat

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MPH

MPH

Posted
Posted
This amused me because I know it will wind a few up!

Offensive number plates withdrawn.

It's political correctness gone mad. I, however, read the first one as "forgot", and wondered how it could be offensive!!

my gf is american... we went to visit my dad and she about fell off her chair when he announced after sunday dinner he was "going to go sit on his bed and have a fag."

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Guest

Guest

Posted
Posted
my gf is american... we went to visit my dad and she about fell off her chair when he announced after sunday dinner he was "going to go sit on his bed and have a fag."

It does work the other way. We saw an ad on American TV for a "fanny cruncher". I was relieved to see it was an exercise gizmo to tone up the buttocks!

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l444ry

l444ry

Posted
Posted

Complete half-wits! Council only fills in part of a pothole - because it doesn't own the rest

When workmen finally arrived to tackle the ten or so potholes in Sneyd Hall Road, locals were delighted.

The ‘dangerous’ craters, some of them several feet wide, had been causing problems for years.

But after the council contractors left, residents were astonished to see that three of the potholes had been filled in only halfway across.

Puzzled: Butcher Keith Clarke examines one of the half-filled potholes

The reason? The other half of each hole was judged to be on housing association, rather than council, land.

The potholes lie on a narrow access road between a parade of shops and homes owned by Walsall Housing Group in Bloxwich, West Midlands.

The boundary between the council land and housing association land runs straight through the holes.

The council said it could not carry out repairs on privately owned land without permission because it could be held responsible in the wake of any subsequent ‘incident’.

Local butcher Keith Clarke said: ‘I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. I don’t know why they can’t just get their heads together with the housing association and sort the thing out.

‘The water is gathering in the other half of the holes, so surely that will ruin the part that has been fixed. What a waste of money.’

Walsall Council, which employed the contractors, said the repairs were a temporary measure.

Glyn Oliver, the council’s traffic and transportation manager, said: ‘We have a duty of care to maintain the highway but this does not extend to private land.

‘If we had repaired the pothole on Walsall Housing Group land we could have been liable should an incident subsequently have occurred.’

The council said later that it had consulted with the housing group, which owns the rest of the access road, and had been given permission to repair the potholes on its side of the boundary when permanent repairs are carried out.

A spokesman added: ‘The potholes will be repaired permanently by the end of next week

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-11...oesnt-rest.html

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JoeyB

JoeyB

Posted
Posted

Robbie Savage LOVES his new golf clubs, but HATES noisy neighbours having sex

ROBBIE LOVES... My new Nike golf clubs.

Since I've had them I've shot the best three rounds of my life - 10 over, nine over and six over - and I reckon my handicap will get cut. Monty, if you need a wild-card for Celtic Manor please get in touch.

ROBBIE HATES... Noisy neighbours.

I'm in Portugal with the team for a bonding trip and the other night I was woken up by some sounds of bedroom excitement coming from a holidaying couple in the villa next door.

The noise kept me awake for a whole hour too - if the boot had been on the other foot I'd only have kept them up for a minute

link

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davieG

davieG

Posted
Posted

No oral sex, says ute crash waitress

REBEKAH CAVANAGH

October 10th, 2009

Allyson-White.jpg BLOWN OUT OF PROPORTION: Waitress Allyson White says there was no oral sex prior to the crash. PICTURE: Fiona Morrison.

car-crash.jpg LUCKY ESCAPE: The damaged ute.

A WOMAN accused of performing a sexual act on a man when he crashed in Darwin's rural area is outraged at the allegation and says it is "absolutely wrong".

Allyson White said the standout burn mark left by her seatbelt across her chest was proof the claims of "amorous activities'' with the driver were not true.

"I was not sucking his d*** - and it's pretty obvious that wasn't the case ... you only have to look at the mark on my chest,'' she said.

"Clearly I had my seatbelt on, so it's impossible that I'd be leaning over sucking his d*** unless he is hung like a donkey or I've got a f****** rubber neck.

"If it was true I'd just cop it sweet and think 'how embarassing, I got caught sucking someone's d***' - but it is not true and that's what is p****** me off.

"It didn't happen like that at all - he was just going too fast.''

Police told in Thursday's Northern Territory News how they believe a driver crashed his car while involved in "amorous activities'' with his female passenger.

They said the 33-year-old man was distracted by the woman and veered off the road, smashing his single cab Hilux ute into a concrete drain on Pioneer Rd in Humpty Doo.

But Ms White said it was a lie and she wanted to set the record straight.

Even the unnamed driver's statement to police had no hints of any fellatio taking place.

"I don't understand where that story has come from,'' she said.

"It may have looked bad when police first arrived as my girls were hanging out all over the place. I also had a $5 note wedged between my boobs so they probably just assumed I was a sex worker or something and he'd already paid me.

"But $5 is a bit cheap for a head job.''

Ms White, 34, said she had been at the Howard Springs Tavern celebrating a friend's birthday when they decided to go back to a friend's place in Humpty Doo.

She said they stopped into the Humpty Doo Tavern where she usually works to invite other friends, including the unnamed driver, along to the bash.

He did not know how to get to the house so she jumped in his car to give him directions.

"We are just friends and it's pissing me off as people think I have done this behind my boyfriend's back - it makes me feel like a dirty bitch when I've done nothing wrong.''

"Fair enough he shouldn't have been driving but I didn't realise he was drunk and would never have got in the car if I did.''

Ms White was taken by St John Ambulance to Royal Darwin Hospital with chest injuries following the crash.

The driver was charged with drink driving after allegedly blowing .147 per cent, as well as driving without due care and driving without a licence.

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AMYB101_LCFC

AMYB101_LCFC

Posted
Posted

Police arrest woman for Facebook 'poke'

A 36-year-old from Hendersonville, Tennessee has been arrested for using Facebook to violate a protection order.

When Shannon Jackson tried to attract someone's attention using the social networking website's "poke" tool, police deemed that she had broken a ruling that banned her from "telephoning, contacting or otherwise communicating with the petitioner".

According to US newspaper The Tennessean, police have reportedly obtained screen grabs of the victim's Facebook page showing evidence of the poke.

Jackson now faces up to a year in prison and a fine of $2,500 if she is found guilty.

She is due to appear in court later this month.

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StanSP

StanSP

Posted
Posted
Investigators will obviously be speaking to him again. This will not be the first time where we have been searching for a child and they have hidden because they think they are going to get into trouble.'

I actually did that once, when I was a toddler. :blush:

Broke the Mercedes badge on the car, thought parents would have a right go at me, so hid in the garage behind some cupboards right in the corner.

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lou

lou

Posted
Posted
I don't quite get what job you're touting me for here, a scanner of nude children??

Nooo!!! You happened to mention you were applying for jobs thats all :P

Theyre not allowed to scan kids! :huh::D I wouldnt imply you were that weird ;)

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  • 2 weeks later...
Houdini Logic

Houdini Logic

Posted
Posted
:D

they must be "kidding"

Unfortunate Husband

(from Darwin Awards - 08 July 2003)

Death Via Toilet

A man pushed his motorcycle from the patio into his living room, where he began to clean the engine with some rags and a bowl of gasoline, all in the comfort of his own home. When he finished, he sat on the motorcycle and decided to give his bike a quick start and make sure everything was still OK. Unfortunately, the bike started in gear, and crashed through the glass patio door with him still clinging to the handlebars.

His wife had been working in the kitchen. She came running at the fearful sound, and found him crumpled on the patio, badly cut from the shards of broken glass. She called 911, and the paramedics carried the unfortunate man to the Emergency Room.

Later that afternoon, after many stitches had pulled her husband back together, the wife brought him home and put him to bed. She cleaned up the mess in the living room, and dumped the bowl of gasoline in the toilet.

Shortly thereafter, her husband woke up, lit a cigarette, and went into the bathroom for a much-needed relief break. He sat down and tossed the cigarette into the toilet, which promptly exploded because the wife had not flushed the gasoline away. The explosion blew the man through the bathroom door.

The wife heard a loud explosion and the terrible sound of her husband's screams. She ran into the hall and found her husband lying on the floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same two paramedics were dispatched to the scene. They loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. One of them asked the wife how the injury had occurred. When she told them, they began laughing so hard that they dropped the stretcher, and broke the guy's collarbone.

'Gasoline' can not be set alight from a cigarette end - watch more Mythbusters

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