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James.

Amusing News Stories

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I'll get the ball rolling:

Goat Sacrifice

:D

they must be "kidding"

Unfortunate Husband

(from Darwin Awards - 08 July 2003)

Death Via Toilet

A man pushed his motorcycle from the patio into his living room, where he began to clean the engine with some rags and a bowl of gasoline, all in the comfort of his own home. When he finished, he sat on the motorcycle and decided to give his bike a quick start and make sure everything was still OK. Unfortunately, the bike started in gear, and crashed through the glass patio door with him still clinging to the handlebars.

His wife had been working in the kitchen. She came running at the fearful sound, and found him crumpled on the patio, badly cut from the shards of broken glass. She called 911, and the paramedics carried the unfortunate man to the Emergency Room.

Later that afternoon, after many stitches had pulled her husband back together, the wife brought him home and put him to bed. She cleaned up the mess in the living room, and dumped the bowl of gasoline in the toilet.

Shortly thereafter, her husband woke up, lit a cigarette, and went into the bathroom for a much-needed relief break. He sat down and tossed the cigarette into the toilet, which promptly exploded because the wife had not flushed the gasoline away. The explosion blew the man through the bathroom door.

The wife heard a loud explosion and the terrible sound of her husband's screams. She ran into the hall and found her husband lying on the floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same two paramedics were dispatched to the scene. They loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. One of them asked the wife how the injury had occurred. When she told them, they began laughing so hard that they dropped the stretcher, and broke the guy's collarbone.

Edited by I Zingari
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:D

they must be "kidding"

Unfortunate Husband

(from Darwin Awards - 08 July 2003)

Death Via Toilet

A man pushed his motorcycle from the patio into his living room, where he began to clean the engine with some rags and a bowl of gasoline, all in the comfort of his own home. When he finished, he sat on the motorcycle and decided to give his bike a quick start and make sure everything was still OK. Unfortunately, the bike started in gear, and crashed through the glass patio door with him still clinging to the handlebars.

His wife had been working in the kitchen. She came running at the fearful sound, and found him crumpled on the patio, badly cut from the shards of broken glass. She called 911, and the paramedics carried the unfortunate man to the Emergency Room.

Later that afternoon, after many stitches had pulled her husband back together, the wife brought him home and put him to bed. She cleaned up the mess in the living room, and dumped the bowl of gasoline in the toilet.

Shortly thereafter, her husband woke up, lit a cigarette, and went into the bathroom for a much-needed relief break. He sat down and tossed the cigarette into the toilet, which promptly exploded because the wife had not flushed the gasoline away. The explosion blew the man through the bathroom door.

The wife heard a loud explosion and the terrible sound of her husband's screams. She ran into the hall and found her husband lying on the floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same two paramedics were dispatched to the scene. They loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. One of them asked the wife how the injury had occurred. When she told them, they began laughing so hard that they dropped the stretcher, and broke the guy's collarbone.

Surely that has to be a joke? :|

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Surely that has to be a joke? :|

i think the "darwin awards" are genuine news stories from around the world ; similar to victor lewis smith's " funny old world" in private eye ,

but it does look a bit jokey i must admit ;):D

although there was one story about a winnebago driver who put his vehicle on cruise control and he went into the rear of his vehicle to get a drink , thinking it was some sort of automatic pilot for the vehicle; :S

needless to say the winnebago left the road and crashed but he was awarded millions of dollars in compensation

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i think the "darwin awards" are genuine news stories from around the world ; similar to victor lewis smith's " funny old world" in private eye ,

but it does look a bit jokey i must admit ;):D

although there was one story about a winnebago driver who put his vehicle on cruise control and he went into the rear of his vehicle to get a drink , thinking it was some sort of automatic pilot for the vehicle; :S

needless to say the winnebago left the road and crashed but he was awarded millions of dollars in compensation

Darwin Awards are classified as "confirmed" or otherwise, so you get a pretty good idea as to whether it's true or not. :)

(I have the book). ;)

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£15 per night around £105 PW is not too bad. I take it they are retired with pensions including disability state and ex-forces. If they lived in their own house they would have to have home help and meals on wheels. They obviously can afford it so why not. Not as bizare as it first looks. If they moved to a residential home they would still have to live in a single room but would be bound by the homes rules and regulations. I wonder if they have to pay full price fpr all their meals? I bet they receive a few perks. Would they pay council tax? because the hotel would pay a tax for the holtel.

Edited by Nightguard
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:D

they must be "kidding"

Unfortunate Husband

(from Darwin Awards - 08 July 2003)

Death Via Toilet

A man pushed his motorcycle from the patio into his living room, where he began to clean the engine with some rags and a bowl of gasoline, all in the comfort of his own home. When he finished, he sat on the motorcycle and decided to give his bike a quick start and make sure everything was still OK. Unfortunately, the bike started in gear, and crashed through the glass patio door with him still clinging to the handlebars.

His wife had been working in the kitchen. She came running at the fearful sound, and found him crumpled on the patio, badly cut from the shards of broken glass. She called 911, and the paramedics carried the unfortunate man to the Emergency Room.

Later that afternoon, after many stitches had pulled her husband back together, the wife brought him home and put him to bed. She cleaned up the mess in the living room, and dumped the bowl of gasoline in the toilet.

Shortly thereafter, her husband woke up, lit a cigarette, and went into the bathroom for a much-needed relief break. He sat down and tossed the cigarette into the toilet, which promptly exploded because the wife had not flushed the gasoline away. The explosion blew the man through the bathroom door.

The wife heard a loud explosion and the terrible sound of her husband's screams. She ran into the hall and found her husband lying on the floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same two paramedics were dispatched to the scene. They loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. One of them asked the wife how the injury had occurred. When she told them, they began laughing so hard that they dropped the stretcher, and broke the guy's collarbone.

:Dlol

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  • 3 weeks later...

From the BBC.

Russian mother has 'giant' baby

Enlarge Image

A Russian woman has given birth to a baby weighing 7.75kg (17.5lbs), more than twice the average newborn weight.

"We were all simply in shock," reports quoted Nadia's mother, Tatyana Barabanova, 43, as saying.

"What did the father say? He couldn't say a thing - he just stood there blinking," she said.

Record weights

All her previous babies had weighed more than 5kg (11lb), a local reporter was quoted by the Reuters news agency as saying.

"I ate everything, we don't have the money for special foods so I just ate potatoes, noodles and tomatoes," added Mrs Barabanova, who had the child on 17 September.

In January 2005, a woman in Brazil gave birth to a baby weighing 17lb (7.73kg), the heaviest boy yet born in Brazil, according to the Brazilian Gynaecological Association.

Among the heaviest babies recorded are a 10.2kg (22.5lb) boy born in Italy in 1955, and a 10.8kg (23.8lb) boy born in the US in 1879 but who died 11 hours later.

Experts claim the baby will be walking before the mother. :P

Edited by futter
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:D

they must be "kidding"

Unfortunate Husband

(from Darwin Awards - 08 July 2003)

Death Via Toilet

A man pushed his motorcycle from the patio into his living room, where he began to clean the engine with some rags and a bowl of gasoline, all in the comfort of his own home. When he finished, he sat on the motorcycle and decided to give his bike a quick start and make sure everything was still OK. Unfortunately, the bike started in gear, and crashed through the glass patio door with him still clinging to the handlebars.

His wife had been working in the kitchen. She came running at the fearful sound, and found him crumpled on the patio, badly cut from the shards of broken glass. She called 911, and the paramedics carried the unfortunate man to the Emergency Room.

Later that afternoon, after many stitches had pulled her husband back together, the wife brought him home and put him to bed. She cleaned up the mess in the living room, and dumped the bowl of gasoline in the toilet.

Shortly thereafter, her husband woke up, lit a cigarette, and went into the bathroom for a much-needed relief break. He sat down and tossed the cigarette into the toilet, which promptly exploded because the wife had not flushed the gasoline away. The explosion blew the man through the bathroom door.

The wife heard a loud explosion and the terrible sound of her husband's screams. She ran into the hall and found her husband lying on the floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same two paramedics were dispatched to the scene. They loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. One of them asked the wife how the injury had occurred. When she told them, they began laughing so hard that they dropped the stretcher, and broke the guy's collarbone.

That cant be true!?

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  • 2 months later...

not exactly " hot off the press " but its kinda funny; :D

In the Birmingham Sunday Mercury (7th Jan 2001)

Worker dead at desk for 5 days

Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay.

George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proofreader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend. His boss Elliot Wachiaski said "George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn’t say anything. He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself."

A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died.... You may want to give your coworkers a nudge occasionally.

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not exactly " hot off the press " but its kinda funny; :D

In the Birmingham Sunday Mercury (7th Jan 2001)

Worker dead at desk for 5 days

Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay.

George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proofreader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend. His boss Elliot Wachiaski said "George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn’t say anything. He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself."

A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died.... You may want to give your coworkers a nudge occasionally.

absolute quality!! :crylaugh:

poor guy.. :unsure:

did he not have any family at all?

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absolute quality!! :crylaugh:

poor guy.. :unsure:

did he not have any family at all?

dunno , this is all i read about it , i was looking for the story on "have i got news for you " last night about the bloke locked in the toilet for 3 days , but did not find it as i was distracted by that one :D

i think i must have a short attention span :mellow:

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  • 1 month later...

Pair of Fools

Inept pair jailed for bread theft

Two Australians have been jailed for a failed heist which left one of them with a bag of bread rolls and the other with a bullet in the backside.

Benjamin Jorgensen, 38, and Donna Hayes, 36, were sentenced to seven and eight years respectively for the robbery in a Melbourne restaurant.

During the robbery, Jorgensen grabbed what he thought was a bag of money - only to find it contained bread rolls.

He also accidentally fired his gun, hitting Hayes in the buttock.

Judge Roland Williams described the two, who had expected to steal takings worth about A$30,000 ($26,000, £13,000), as a "pair of fools".

Hayes was hospitalised for a month as a result of her injuries.

The two pleaded guilty to armed robbery at the County Court in Victoria.

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Darwin Awards

IMO, not so good this year but , Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed.

These are the helpless Winners: :D

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window. The brick bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of plexiglass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 am, flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. The police spokesman said the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

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Darwin Awards

IMO, not so good this year but , Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards are bestowed.

These are the helpless Winners: :D

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

:olol

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