What is the Funniest Thing You Have Seen?

[VLC86]

1 hour ago, Parafox said:

The one boy in our class in junior school circa 1967 who had seen the "nit nurse" and returned to class with his head shaved and painted purple. (The colour of the insecticide used back then to kill nits)

Where the phrase purple headed warrior came from apparently.

[Buce]

7 minutes ago, Costock_Fox said:

Where the phrase purple headed warrior came from apparently.

 

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=purple-headed warrior

[VLC86]

20 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=purple-headed warrior

Lol I’m well aware of what one is.

[Buce]

2 minutes ago, Costock_Fox said:

Lol I’m well aware of what one is.

 

I thought you might, I just wasn't sure if you were joking or not about the etymology.

[VLC86]

5 minutes ago, Buce said:

 

I thought you might, I just wasn't sure if you were joking or not about the etymology.

Haha that link hardly gave any insight into that. 

[Buce]

6 minutes ago, Costock_Fox said:

Haha that link hardly gave any insight into that. 

 

Sure it does:

 

"So named because of the tendency of the glans to turn purplish-pink when engorged with blood."

Edited 2 August 2018 by Buce

[yorkie1999]

A few stories (true) from when i used to go france to the Bol D Or on my motorbike with a few mates.

 

 So, the first year it moved from paul ricard to magny cours we jumped on the bikes and set off for sunny france, great trip, brilliant roads nothing spectacular as regards incidents. Loved it. Found this place to stop, bungalow that still had bullet holes in the front wall from the war owned by the oldest woman in the world with the fittest grand-daughter in the world, who put us up. She couldn't speak english, we couldn't speak french but we got by. She let us keep the bikes in the garage and use the hose to wash them down every night after a ride. My mate used to travel light, so it was 5 tee shirts, 5 pairs of underpants, 5 pairs of socks, washing stuff, wallet, passport and what he went in. Every night, he'd wash his bike down and clean it using his cast off garments then chuck them in the bin, cast offs obviously pretty shit up with chain oil and flies.

   Good trip, all had a good time. Anyway, the following year we did it again, booked the same place and off we set, get down to Nevers, bikes round the back, shown to our rooms and then there's a "fvck me"... " what's up"... "you know all my knickers and tee shirts i'd chucked in the bin"..."yes"..."well she's only been and got them out, washed and ironed them and put them on the shelf in my room...what am i going to say to her?  She'll think i'm a right dirty sod, she can't understand me".."Don't worry, her grand daughter speaks english".......

 

 

 Following year, same again, In Nevers having a meal and i think the steak was a bit off, either that or the fact none of us could speak french apart from my vingt JPS noir s'l vous Plait and "well done" (bien something or other) in french, which in reality is how the chef likes it cooked so its basically raw. Anyway, get back to the digs, 2 of us at one place and 2 of us down the road (not enough room in the old dears place this time), and about one in the morning i'm puking and diarrhreaing everywhere in the toilet, eventually gets to bed feeling pretty lousy. Gets up the next day, goes down for breakfast asks my mate how he's feeling. "Fine" he says, so i tells him about how i think i ate something a bit bad and was a bit worse for wear in the night. "Cast iron stomach me" he says "ex RAF" and that was that. Bit later rang one of the other two to see if they were ready to go out on the bikes. "No chance, both got the squits"... " okay, see you at the track later", so of we go.

     Riding along, lovely red hot day, french countryside, giving it some welly, my mate pulls along side and gives me the I need a pee sign, so we pull over at a bus stop in the middle of nowhere, go round the back and were both standing there having a jimmies. Then he let one go. "Blimey" says i... "I've just followed through" says he "quick i need a toilet" so we jumps on the bikes and head back, then all of a sudden he flies past me and into a lay-by, jumps off his bike and runs into a wood, i pull up and he comes running back out  " got any baby wipes" (used for cleaning visors) "yep" says i, opening the seat on my bike  "Ah sorry mate, there's only one left and its a bit dry", so he grabs it off me and runs in the woods. So picture the scene, I'm lying on this concrete picnic table on the phone to one of the others, relaying whats going on, pissing myself laughing and pointing the phone at this moaning and groaning amongst the trees and joking about bears shitting in the woods and they really do make a sound.

   Anyway, gets back a bit later and everyone starts to pick up, go out for a beer and my mate says "what about me leathers, how am i gonna get them clean and dried by tomorrow" "Dead easy" says one of the others "wash them in the bath when we get back then fill them with talc to dry them out quick", So we get back and he does just that, not realising that when you're on a bike and all that cool wind is blowing through your leathers and they're full of talc, there's actually quite a big white haze that follows you every where and when you pull up at one of the biggest races in france and one of your mates has a cloud of smoke coming off him every time you whack him on the back . I was crying that day. 

   

    Same trip, we're talking over dinner one night, and one of the lads says "you know when you're riding along, has anyone noticed the amount of signals everyone gives on bikes, V(victory) sign to other bikers, nod the head, hand up to flashing for speed traps, leg out to cars for letting you pass, you have to be a bit athletic over here"...."so what you saying"....."watch me tomorrow" he says and that was that.  Out on a ride the next day, he's in front, 3 of us following and a bike comes towards us, next thing he does a star jump...on a fireblade, straight in front of this other biker. Next thing i see is this poor bloke veer off the road, straight into a privet hedge and into this garden.So we gets down the road a bit and i'm literally crying inside my helmet and have to pull over before i fall off laughing, turns round to look at the others and there's this bloke sprinting up the road to us, not looking very happy. vroooom, fvck that, i'm gone.

Edited 2 August 2018 by yorkie1999

[Jattdogg]

20 minutes ago, yorkie1999 said:

A few stories (true) from when i used to go france to the Bol D Or on my motorbike with a few mates.

 

 So, the first year it moved from paul ricard to magny cours we jumped on the bikes and set off for sunny france, great trip, brilliant roads nothing spectacular as regards incidents. Loved it. Found this place to stop, bungalow that still had bullet holes in the front wall from the war owned by the oldest woman in the world with the fittest grand-daughter in the world, who put us up. She couldn't speak english, we couldn't speak french but we got by. She let us keep the bikes in the garage and use the hose to wash them down every night after a ride. My mate used to travel light, so it was 5 tee shirts, 5 pairs of underpants, 5 pairs of socks, washing stuff, wallet, passport and what he went in. Every night, he'd wash his bike down and clean it using his cast off garments then chuck them in the bin, cast offs obviously pretty shit up with chain oil and flies.

   Good trip, all had a good time. Anyway, the following year we did it again, booked the same place and off we set, get down to Nevers, bikes round the back, shown to our rooms and then there's a "fvck me"... " what's up"... "you know all my knickers and tee shirts i'd chucked in the bin"..."yes"..."well she's only been and got them out, washed and ironed them and put them on the shelf in my room...what am i going to say to her?  She'll think i'm a right dirty sod, she can't understand me".."Don't worry, her grand daughter speaks english".......

 

 

 Following year, same again, In Nevers having a meal and i think the steak was a bit off, either that or the fact none of us could speak french apart from my vingt JPS noir s'l vous Plait and "well done" (bien something or other) in french, which in reality is how the chef likes it cooked so its basically raw. Anyway, get back to the digs, 2 of us at one place and 2 of us down the road (not enough room in the old dears place this time), and about one in the morning i'm puking and diarrhreaing everywhere in the toilet, eventually gets to bed feeling pretty lousy. Gets up the next day, goes down for breakfast asks my mate how he's feeling. "Fine" he says, so i tells him about how i think i ate something a bit bad and was a bit worse for wear in the night. "Cast iron stomach me" he says "ex RAF" and that was that. Bit later rang one of the other two to see if they were ready to go out on the bikes. "No chance, both got the squits"... " okay, see you at the track later", so of we go.

     Riding along, lovely red hot day, french countryside, giving it some welly, my mate pulls along side and gives me the I need a pee sign, so we pull over at a bus stop in the middle of nowhere, go round the back and were both standing there having a jimmies. Then he let one go. "Blimey" says i... "I've just followed through" says he "quick i need a toilet" so we jumps on the bikes and head back, then all of a sudden he flies past me and into a lay-by, jumps off his bike and runs into a wood, i pull up and he comes running back out  " got any baby wipes" (used for cleaning visors) "yep" says i, opening the seat on my bike  "Ah sorry mate, there's only one left and its a bit dry", so he grabs it off me and runs in the woods. So picture the scene, I'm lying on this concrete picnic table on the phone to one of the others, relaying whats going on, pissing myself laughing and pointing the phone at this moaning and groaning amongst the trees and joking about bears shitting in the woods and they really do make a sound.

   Anyway, gets back a bit later and everyone starts to pick up, go out for a beer and my mate says "what about me leathers, how am i gonna get them clean and dried by tomorrow" "Dead easy" says one of the others "wash them in the bath when we get back then fill them with talc to dry them out quick", So we get back and he does just that, not realising that when you're on a bike and all that cool wind is blowing through your leathers and they're full of talc, there's actually quite a big white haze that follows you every where and when you pull up at one of the biggest races in france and one of your mates has a cloud of smoke coming off him every time you whack him on the back . I was crying that day. 

   

    Same trip, we're talking over dinner one night, and one of the lads says "you know when you're riding along, has anyone noticed the amount of signals everyone gives on bikes, V(victory) sign to other bikers, nod the head, hand up to flashing for speed traps, leg out to cars for letting you pass, you have to be a bit athletic over here"...."so what you saying"....."watch me tomorrow" he says and that was that.  Out on a ride the next day, he's in front, 3 of us following and a bike comes towards us, next thing he does a star jump...on a fireblade, straight in front of this other biker. Next thing i see is this poor bloke veer off the road, straight into a privet hedge and into this garden.So we gets down the road a bit and i'm literally crying inside my helmet and have to pull over before i fall off laughing, turns round to look at the others and there's this bloke sprinting up the road to us, not looking very happy. vroooom, fvck that, i'm gone.

 

Jesus that was a long read

[yorkie1999]

1 hour ago, Jattdogg said:

Jesus that was a long read

Learnt it from a puel interview 

[Bellend Sebastian]

4 hours ago, Parafox said:

My crewmate a few years ago, tucking her uniform trousers into her socks and putting on a fake Australian accent when she was treating a patient. You had to be there, I was helpless. It was like Monty Python 

It's the simple stuff that's the best

[FLAN]

On 01/08/2018 at 21:44, Webbo said:

I remember a game at Filbert Street in the family stand. A shot came in wide and was heading directly towards this bloke. The man ducks under the ball and straightens up, the ball bounces off the back wall and hits him on the back of the head. It got quite a laugh.

Also at Filbert Street sat in the kop pregame and possibly savage leathers the ball and it flies straight into my then girlfriends head. I burst into fits of laughter but surprisingly she didn’t...

[VLC86]

When I was about 18 I used to hang around with a group of lads who liked the odd spliff or ten. One of them lived at his parents house which had a huge garden that backed into fields so we decided to sneak through the field, get in his garden and have a smoke in there.

 

We had been in there a while when one of my mates rolled a joint and we all used to take pride in our ability to roll. Anyway, he rolls this spliff, sparks it up and in a scene like a film where a plume of smoke cooly oozes out of the persons mouth he utters the words...... tight as a babies bum. Howling.

[DANGEROUS TIGER]

On ‎02‎/‎08‎/‎2018 at 22:06, Buce said:

 

Sure it does:

 

"So named because the tendency of the glans to turn purplish-pink when engorged with blood."

"

I can well remember the visits of the "nit nurse" when I was at infant, and middle school. Luckily I was always clear, but the one's found to have them, invariably got teased, which was a bit sad, looking back on it.

[Stadt]

Playing football at secondary school on the tennis courts (a big tarmac surface in reality), my mate c unts a ball at this kid's face from about 5 yards away. Most likely It was intentional as there's no better comedy than people getting leathered with a football when you're 13. As he's Rubbing his face bewildered and sore another stray ball comes hurtling from the other side of the courts and hits the same kid on the back of the head and he subsequently falls on his face. Within the space of three seconds the lads been nailed twice and he was joined by about 15 of us on the floor as we couldn't stand up because we we laughing too much.

[Tielemans63]

In my first year of teaching I taught this kid called Adam Bailey. He was a right little twat and one of those kids who just seems to be everywhere.

 

Anyway, he'd been a bit of a knob in a few PE lessons and young me was thinking 'I've got to get the better of this kid'. One morning he doesn't turn up to PE and I'm actually quite relieved.

 

However, come lunch break, I'm on duty and lo and behold, there's Adam holding court in the canteen and I'm like 'you cheeky bastard' (in my head of course). So I steam in, giving it all the 'So Adam, you think you can pick and choose which lessons you go to eh?' 'Think you're too good for PE then?'.

 

Kid looks at me and cocky as you like says "wasn't me it was my twin brother Sir, he's off sick today".

 

Now I'm raging, little piss-taking bastard. I'm like "you think that's funny do you? Lying to a teacher?" "You can come back after school for an hour". Adam starts kicking off and I'm like "keep on like that and you'll make it worse" (I know, ****).

 

Anyway, unexpectedly he actually turns up at 3pm and does the hour without saying a word. I've ****ing won.

 

Then, at 4.30 I get a phone call from Mrs Bailey. Why has ASHLEY been held back for an hour when ADAM isn't even in school. 

 

 

Edited 13 August 2018 by Paddy.

[Captain...]

Short story:

 

Down the park with a few friends they had just replaced the saggy old tennis net with a solid metal one. Being a cocky show off I decided to hurdle it rather than walk round it, having friends that don't like to be shown up they did the same, including one short female friend. She cleared the net with her front foot but just  caught her back foot causing her to face plant onto that spongy tarmac stuff. I was laughing about it for days.

 

Longer story which might not really come over in text so it may not be worth it, but was hilarious at the time:

 

Shared house at university, living room that hadn't been decorated since the seventies 1 crappy old sofa and 2 matching chairs. The best thing about these chairs is that they could be booby trapped. Lift the cushion, remove the straps, replace the cushion, the next person that sits on it falls through the chair and invariably covers themselves in beer or tea or curry the most annoying thing is then having to fix the chair which took a lot more effort than sabotaging it. This became a regular thing and everyone knew to check their chair in our house. One evening, we had a few friends round having a few beers. When one friend went to the toilet, being the prankster that I am I sabotaged his chair then went to get a beer. He  came back from the toilet and duly fell through the chair. I was still up getting a beer at this point, so he launched himself out of the collapsed chair ran across the room with a smug look on his face and dived into my vacated seat and promptly went straight through that one as I had, thinking he would check his chair, sabotaged my own chair too. I was dying with laughter, it was the smug look on his face as he thought he had got one over on me and the crushed expression as he ended up on the floor, again, for the second time in 10 seconds. It had worked so much better than expected.

[Guest the fox]

I don't think it's the funniest thing that I've ever seen but more like an unfortunate incident that turned funny to me with time. 

 

When I was like 14-15 years old, I was walking with two of my mates back home and the stupid just kicked in. so, I picked up a stick and did my best baseball player impression. And while we walked, we passed by a repair shop owned by a deaf man (great guy BTW).

 

 

One of my mates was a talker whilst the other was a person of few words. And as luck would have it, suddenly while swinging, the stick slipped from my hand and shattered the left headlight of a car owned by another deaf man (yeah, I know). I was sweating like a pig working construction. I was as broke as broke can be so I'm not about to pay for the damage. The car owner looked horrified at the scene and took sometime to regain his wits. He just brought this car for a minor tweeking and ended up with a broken headlight.

 

He looked at us with his hand infron of him flipped towards the sky and a muffled "why! Why!" barely made it's way out. My talkative friend was already loosing it whilst the other couldn't make out what just happened. I had to pin it on someone and pinning it on the talkative one ain't gonna happen because he gonna snitch on me immediately. So my other friend had to take one for the team.  

 

I immediately imitated the deaf car owner, turned to my second friend and kept screaming "why! Why!" so the deaf car owner saw that and turned to me second friend with eyes burning with rage! The deaf repair shop owner didn't know what to make of the situation, my second freind was like a dear in headlights and my talkative freind was pissing himself laughing. The deaf car owner, filled with rage, kept screaming a muffled "why! Why!" and the guy i pinned it on had a smile on his face and responded with "," why" what?" and that only served to egnite the laughing tears from my talkative freind while I was, as low-key as possible, drifting to the side to make a run for it. My second freind, with a confused smile on his face stood there unmoving. The deaf car owner picked up the stick and a barely understandable "pay for it" managed to make it's way out. My second friend's face turned ashen. To this day I don't know if it was the stick that was about to be thrown at him that scared him or the "pay for it" part. The deaf car owner threw the stick and my second freind barely dodge it and that only helped the ever-so-increasing laughter of my talkative freind. As it was clear the car owner was not having it that day, I ran faster then forest gump when he got rid of his leg-braces. While looking back, The deaf shop owner came running because he was a freind of my second friend's brother. The two deaf men totally abandoned sign-language and just screamed at each other with the shop owner trying to calm the car owner down. Fortunately, my second freind, as expected, didn't snitch or I would've gotten a beating of a lifetime. 

 

Both of them are still two of my best friends to this day and we to this day talk about that incident with my second freind loosing it everytime laughing. 

Edited 13 August 2018 by the fox