Joe. Posted 16 July 2009 Posted 16 July 2009 Yes Moritz. Taken from his own website I believe: How to bluff your way to the top of the gameEver wanted to play in the Premiership? Just follow my guide to looking the part -- Moritz Volz Leddy is a good friend of mine and my “Goal Celebration Coach”, so he hasn’t had a lot to do lately. But being the great football philosopher that he is, he recently got to thinking about another aspect of the game that has rarely been studied. While endless column inches are devoted to discussing the rules of football, what about all of the unwritten rules that virtually all of us professionals obey without question? It’s a subject that had us talking for hours, ending our last coaching session in the park in the process. So I thought I’d share our findings with you, the good readers of The Times — and Leddy, I promise I’ll perfect the Mick Channon windmill by next time. . . Before kick-off — Any player being filmed leaving a team bus must ensure that he is wearing headphones and carrying a small Louis Vuitton wash bag. — Players who once represented the same club must stop and chat animatedly to each other in the tunnel as they wait to come out, even if they never really spoke to each other when they played together. — On the day of a cup final, players must walk on to the pitch in their club suit approximately 1½ hours before kick-off and touch the turf to make sure it is just like all the other grass they play on every week. At least one player must pick some and throw it in the air to gauge the wind direction even though it is May, very still, and, therefore, very unlikely to affect anything. Scoring — If a player mishits a good chance, he must look down and carefully examine the pitch, maybe even treading back in some turf, so that everyone knows he got a bad bounce. If it is a televised game, he should continually blow mucus out of his nose as the camera tracks him back to his own half. — When a player makes a great assist only to see a teammate tap the ball in, he must stand well away from the celebrating players and wait for them to come over and individually congratulate him. Corners and throw-ins — All throw-ins must be taken at least ten yards farther up the pitch than where the ball went out. The referee is allowed to tell the player off, but only when he has exceeded ten yards. — All corner takers must push the corner flag to one side, regardless of whether it gets in the way. They must also raise a hand before taking the kick, irrelevant of where they intend to send the ball. Free kicks — Two or more players should always dispute who will take a free kick, even though they have spent an entire week on the training ground working out who will take them. — When a player has conceded a free kick, he must pick up the ball and run several yards before dropping it behind him without looking. When a free kick is awarded and the referee places the ball in the required spot, it is essential to pick it up and place it down again at least six inches further forward, ideally with a backspin motion. Offside — When a player is judged offside and still shoots but doesn’t score, he must pretend he knew it was offside all along and didn’t really try to score at all. On the other hand, if he does score, he must act “outraged” and “robbed”. — Any striker who is more than five yards offside must still either wag a finger or launch a tirade of expletives at the flag-bearing official. Substitutions and injuries — A player leaving the pitch on a stretcher must always be applauded, while players with equally serious injuries who are helped off by the physio must be booed. — When water bottles are thrown on to the pitch while a teammate is receiving treatment, players must always squirt some out on to the grass before taking a sip. — Players warming up along the touchline must always put their hands behind their backs and kick their heels up to touch them, even though they never do this in training or at any other time. Goalkeepers — Before kick-off, goalkeepers should always hang from the crossbar to check it does not have any cracks in it. — Keepers must use the special adhesive power of saliva by spitting into their gloves as much as possible during games. They should also kick the soles of their boots against the post at least three times in each half. — Goalkeepers should sprint into the opposition penalty box for injury-time corners, even if they have never connected with a header in their life. Managers — Any manager facing lower-league opposition in a cup game must describe the team he is facing as “well organised”. — Assistant managers must be equipped with a blank piece of paper on which they can pretend to show substitutes the opposition’s tactical formation. In addition, assistants should shout and gesticulate in exactly the same way as the manager, only two seconds later. Officials — The referee must only blow for full time when the ball is in mid-air after a long goal kick. — The fourth official must always check a substitute’s studs before he comes on, even though none of the studs of the players on the pitch were checked. It should be noted that no substitute in the history of football has ever been caught wearing “inappropriate studs” and no substitute has ever been refused access to the field of play because of a “stud check”. — Fourth officials should always be of a smiling disposition when trying to calm infuriated managers back into the dugout. On another note, he's still available on a free transfer isn't he? Definitely worth a look at for a Championship club you'd have thought...
Fox92 Posted 16 July 2009 Posted 16 July 2009 Awesome tips there, has he still go no club? Why don't we sign him, seeing as Robbie is out for two games
AyewJoking Posted 16 July 2009 Posted 16 July 2009 In the pre match warm up players should juggle the ball and do lots of tricks and pretty flicks even though when in the game they will look to "get rid of it!!" before the ball has even come to them.
Radovan's Caravan Posted 17 July 2009 Posted 17 July 2009 Mr Volz is a plagiarist. His irreverant piece is the latest rehash of a skit that was originally published in Corriere della Sera about ten years ago (though he has added one or two observations of his own) under the title 'Advice to Players, Referee's and TV Commentators.' Off the top of my head this included the following: To Players: (1) After tripping a player in your own area you must remember to go to ground immediately, roll around and clutch a knee whilst screaming at the top of your voice. If you are not able to do this, you must hold your hands up after your trip to show clearly to the referee that you were merely waving your opponent through to burst the net from 10 metres. (2) After hacking your opponent to the ground you should always check that he is still breathing. If he is, euthanise him by stepping on his fleshy parts as you exit the scene. To referrees: (1) 'Obstruction' and 'ungentlemanly conduct' are so last season. As for the ball rolling its own circumference at the kick off, do you wear your sword every day to the office? (2) The surest way to start WWIII is to award a penalty for the usual antics just before a corner is taken. Show me where it says in the rules that you can't have all in wrestling during a natural break in play? (3) It is only necessary to consult your linesman if you are sure he has seen nothing/agrees with you and only then if you are being menaced by that rather large centre half. To TV Commentators: (1) A player who takes out his opponent's eye with his elbow in an aerial contest is almost certainly innocent as he needed his arms for 'balance' and was probably not even looking at his opponent. The fact that his opponent was watching him all the way and had his hands down by his side does not invalidate this bizarre principle of footie science. (2) A player who amputates an opponents leg with his studs after a Usain Bolt like run up is guilty of a 'late challenge' only if the femoral artery was severed after the 'ball had gone'. If the challenger had one foot on the ground whilst making the tackle, viewers are to be advised that the referee should 'let the game flow.'
SOCCERROO FOX Posted 17 July 2009 Posted 17 July 2009 Mr Volz is a plagiarist. His irreverant piece is the latest rehash of a skit that was originally published in Corriere della Sera about ten years ago (though he has added one or two observations of his own) under the title 'Advice to Players, Referee's and TV Commentators.' Off the top of my head this included the following: Yawn!!!
lcfc_jme Posted 17 July 2009 Posted 17 July 2009 *Chandler's latest nonsensical and pathetic rambling* You're boring. Anyways, I enjoyed reading this piece by Morris. Scored a peach of a goal for Fulham against us at t'Walkers a few years back as well, if I remember correctly. G'won, Morris.
DB11 Posted 17 July 2009 Posted 17 July 2009 Mr Volz is a plagiarist. His irreverant piece is the latest rehash of a skit that was originally published in Corriere della Sera about ten years ago (though he has added one or two observations of his own) under the title 'Advice to Players, Referee's and TV Commentators.' Off the top of my head this included the following:To Players: (1) After tripping a player in your own area you must remember to go to ground immediately, roll around and clutch a knee whilst screaming at the top of your voice. If you are not able to do this, you must hold your hands up after your trip to show clearly to the referee that you were merely waving your opponent through to burst the net from 10 metres. (2) After hacking your opponent to the ground you should always check that he is still breathing. If he is, euthanise him by stepping on his fleshy parts as you exit the scene. To referrees: (1) 'Obstruction' and 'ungentlemanly conduct' are so last season. As for the ball rolling its own circumference at the kick off, do you wear your sword every day to the office? (2) The surest way to start WWIII is to award a penalty for the usual antics just before a corner is taken. Show me where it says in the rules that you can't have all in wrestling during a natural break in play? (3) It is only necessary to consult your linesman if you are sure he has seen nothing/agrees with you and only then if you are being menaced by that rather large centre half. To TV Commentators: (1) A player who takes out his opponent's eye with his elbow in an aerial contest is almost certainly innocent as he needed his arms for 'balance' and was probably not even looking at his opponent. The fact that his opponent was watching him all the way and had his hands down by his side does not invalidate this bizarre principle of footie science. (2) A player who amputates an opponents leg with his studs after a Usain Bolt like run up is guilty of a 'late challenge' only if the femoral artery was severed after the 'ball had gone'. If the challenger had one foot on the ground whilst making the tackle, viewers are to be advised that the referee should 'let the game flow.' Hmm. Yes. Maybe.
Radovan's Caravan Posted 17 July 2009 Posted 17 July 2009 Hmm. Yes. Maybe. I did say 'off the top of my head...'
21st Century Fox Posted 26 February 2013 Posted 26 February 2013 I'm not sure if this has been posted before but check out his website and turn up your speakers..... http://www.volzy.com/
Carl the Llama Posted 26 February 2013 Posted 26 February 2013 Keepers must use the special adhesive power of saliva by spitting into their gloves as much as possible during games. They should also kick the soles of their boots against the post at least three times in each half. Well actually, keeping the grippy rubber on your gloves moist helps a lot.
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