Mental Health Thread

[Ian Nacho]

As discussed in the depression thread, mental health issues stretch much further than depression, so it may be worthwhile to start a mental health thread to ensure nobody feels excluded from the conversation. 

[MPH]

If you suffer mental health issues please know that people love you all the same. Oh, and it’s NOT YOUR FAULT!

 

two of the foster children I have right now have mental health issues. The girl ( she’s 12) will just stop whatever she’s doing and start staring ‘ thinking’, for hours. she’s been ruled out for minor seizures, she’ll stare into a mirror until we can redirect her and that can take a while because you can try talk to her and she just doesn’t respond. and there’s some things she just can’t handle.if she even remotely thinks she has done something wrong or upset someone her whole world ends, her day is ruined and she’s inconsolable. Plus she ‘sees things’  and is convinced they are there. She’s getting support from social services.

 

we just love her and tell her that often, we don’t treat her differently. We are just there for her. She’s just a person who needs to be loved.

 

 

[Staff]

3 hours ago, MPH said:

If you suffer mental health issues please know that people love you all the same. Oh, and it’s NOT YOUR FAULT!

 

two of the foster children I have right now have mental health issues. The girl ( she’s 12) will just stop whatever she’s doing and start staring ‘ thinking’, for hours. she’s been ruled out for minor seizures, she’ll stare into a mirror until we can redirect her and that can take a while because you can try talk to her and she just doesn’t respond. and there’s some things she just can’t handle.if she even remotely thinks she has done something wrong or upset someone her whole world ends, her day is ruined and she’s inconsolable. Plus she ‘sees things’  and is convinced they are there. She’s getting support from social services.

 

we just love her and tell her that often, we don’t treat her differently. We are just there for her. She’s just a person who needs to be loved.

 

 

Sound like you and your family are doing an amazing job mate

[Big Dave]

3 hours ago, MPH said:

If you suffer mental health issues please know that people love you all the same. Oh, and it’s NOT YOUR FAULT!

 

two of the foster children I have right now have mental health issues. The girl ( she’s 12) will just stop whatever she’s doing and start staring ‘ thinking’, for hours. she’s been ruled out for minor seizures, she’ll stare into a mirror until we can redirect her and that can take a while because you can try talk to her and she just doesn’t respond. and there’s some things she just can’t handle.if she even remotely thinks she has done something wrong or upset someone her whole world ends, her day is ruined and she’s inconsolable. Plus she ‘sees things’  and is convinced they are there. She’s getting support from social services.

 

we just love her and tell her that often, we don’t treat her differently. We are just there for her. She’s just a person who needs to be loved.

 

 

We are ex-foster carers, and looked after many children of all ages.  It can be very though, and you don’t always know what their history is, so can be very difficult to deal with, and very upsetting when you do know their histories.

 

Just a word of caution though from what you have said.  We learnt lots as we moved forwards and became more experienced.  Initially, we treated all of our foster children the same as our own, ie discipline, etc.  As we learnt more, and my wife did more study (she was studying to become, and is now a very good counsellor), we learnt that foster children often need to be treated differently to our / your own children.  
Our / your own children (I am presuming) have been brought up in a fairly normal functioning family, with no major dramas in their upbringing and a stable loving home. Foster kids often don’t have this, and have often been witness to, or the subject of abuse. As they have not had the same upbringing, they then react differently , and need different inputs to deal with issues.  This is something that Social Services don’t always appreciate, and something that is never taught during social services training courses, etc. So if you find that they are not responding to dealing with things in the same way as your own kids would, perhaps think of other strategies. It is not wrong to treat them differently.

 

Hopefully the kids will get the hep that they seem to need. Make sure you are so Stanton on at your Social Workers, and push for CAMHS assessments and assistance (although they are not always great).

 

I personally feel that all children in the care system should be offered counselling of a sort, but they never seem to be offered it.

 

Edited 14 March 2021 by Big Dave

[tom27111]

4 hours ago, MPH said:

If you suffer mental health issues please know that people love you all the same. Oh, and it’s NOT YOUR FAULT!

 

two of the foster children I have right now have mental health issues. The girl ( she’s 12) will just stop whatever she’s doing and start staring ‘ thinking’, for hours. she’s been ruled out for minor seizures, she’ll stare into a mirror until we can redirect her and that can take a while because you can try talk to her and she just doesn’t respond. and there’s some things she just can’t handle.if she even remotely thinks she has done something wrong or upset someone her whole world ends, her day is ruined and she’s inconsolable. Plus she ‘sees things’  and is convinced they are there. She’s getting support from social services.

 

we just love her and tell her that often, we don’t treat her differently. We are just there for her. She’s just a person who needs to be loved.

 

 

 

Massive respect for you to be a foster parent.

 

So many challenges and can often be a thankless task.

 

My Mrs has recently qualified as a childrens Social Worker.

 

She can't really say much in detail, even to me, because of confidentiality, but I know some of the things she's heard and dealt with are absolutely beyond belief. 

[Izzy]

4 hours ago, MPH said:

If you suffer mental health issues please know that people love you all the same. Oh, and it’s NOT YOUR FAULT!

 

two of the foster children I have right now have mental health issues. The girl ( she’s 12) will just stop whatever she’s doing and start staring ‘ thinking’, for hours. she’s been ruled out for minor seizures, she’ll stare into a mirror until we can redirect her and that can take a while because you can try talk to her and she just doesn’t respond. and there’s some things she just can’t handle.if she even remotely thinks she has done something wrong or upset someone her whole world ends, her day is ruined and she’s inconsolable. Plus she ‘sees things’  and is convinced they are there. She’s getting support from social services.

 

we just love her and tell her that often, we don’t treat her differently. We are just there for her. She’s just a person who needs to be loved.

 

You are a better man and a better parent than me my friend.

 

[Parafox]

4 hours ago, MPH said:

If you suffer mental health issues please know that people love you all the same. Oh, and it’s NOT YOUR FAULT!

 

two of the foster children I have right now have mental health issues. The girl ( she’s 12) will just stop whatever she’s doing and start staring ‘ thinking’, for hours. she’s been ruled out for minor seizures, she’ll stare into a mirror until we can redirect her and that can take a while because you can try talk to her and she just doesn’t respond. and there’s some things she just can’t handle.if she even remotely thinks she has done something wrong or upset someone her whole world ends, her day is ruined and she’s inconsolable. Plus she ‘sees things’  and is convinced they are there. She’s getting support from social services.

 

we just love her and tell her that often, we don’t treat her differently. We are just there for her. She’s just a person who needs to be loved.

 

 

Respect.

We have 2 adopted daughters who are now both in their 20's. It's been a hugely difficult journey over the years due to their respective mental health issues as a result of abandonment by their parents for different reasons (neglect and child protection issues for the eldest and rejection by the birth mum of the younger.

Nobody in "the system" would recognise the issues they both had and we had no support and I mean NONE.

We've loved them both unconditionally but they both have mental health problems. The eldest overdosed 3 weeks ago, fortunately with no lasting physical consequences. The younger daughter is basically a recluse living her life on-line as she can't cope with the real world.

As a result of all we've gone through over the 20+ years we're on the verge of separating, because we have been through the mill so often. My wife and I have mental health problems as a result of the challenges our daughters have presented us with. Not exactly depression, but certainly anxiety and stress in a way I would never have though possible.

We've had counselling and such-like but when we're faced with a daughter who has the issues the eldest has, it's enormously hard at the time her meltdowns are happening.

I've considered an "alternative" way out in the past but we just keep going. What else can we do.

Our MH issues aren't hereditary or self inflicted but brought about from outside forces that we never expected to experience as parents.

[MPH]

23 hours ago, Big Dave said:

We are ex-foster carers, and looked after many children of all ages.  It can be very though, and you don’t always know what their history is, so can be very difficult to deal with, and very upsetting when you do know their histories.

 

Just a word of caution though from what you have said.  We learnt lots as we moved forwards and became more experienced.  Initially, we treated all of our foster children the same as our own, ie discipline, etc.  As we learnt more, and my wife did more study (she was studying to become, and is now a very good counsellor), we learnt that foster children often need to be treated differently to our / your own children.  
Our / your own children (I am presuming) have been brought up in a fairly normal functioning family, with no major dramas in their upbringing and a stable loving home. Foster kids often don’t have this, and have often been witness to, or the subject of abuse. As they have not had the same upbringing, they then react differently , and need different inputs to deal with issues.  This is something that Social Services don’t always appreciate, and something that is never taught during social services training courses, etc. So if you find that they are not responding to dealing with things in the same way as your own kids would, perhaps think of other strategies. It is not wrong to treat them differently.

 

Hopefully the kids will get the hep that they seem to need. Make sure you are so Stanton on at your Social Workers, and push for CAMHS assessments and assistance (although they are not always great).

 

I personally feel that all children in the care system should be offered counselling of a sort, but they never seem to be offered it.

 

 

thank you!

[MPH]

22 hours ago, Parafox said:

Respect.

We have 2 adopted daughters who are now both in their 20's. It's been a hugely difficult journey over the years due to their respective mental health issues as a result of abandonment by their parents for different reasons (neglect and child protection issues for the eldest and rejection by the birth mum of the younger.

Nobody in "the system" would recognise the issues they both had and we had no support and I mean NONE.

We've loved them both unconditionally but they both have mental health problems. The eldest overdosed 3 weeks ago, fortunately with no lasting physical consequences. The younger daughter is basically a recluse living her life on-line as she can't cope with the real world.

As a result of all we've gone through over the 20+ years we're on the verge of separating, because we have been through the mill so often. My wife and I have mental health problems as a result of the challenges our daughters have presented us with. Not exactly depression, but certainly anxiety and stress in a way I would never have though possible.

We've had counselling and such-like but when we're faced with a daughter who has the issues the eldest has, it's enormously hard at the time her meltdowns are happening.

I've considered an "alternative" way out in the past but we just keep going. What else can we do.

Our MH issues aren't hereditary or self inflicted but brought about from outside forces that we never expected to experience as parents.

 

oh mate. .  Thanks for sharing... it’s absolutely true that kids can bring around extra stresses... it can really affect your marriage.. we have already discovered that!

 

I really hope you can both pull through this!

Edited 15 March 2021 by MPH

[MPH]

Really appreciate everyone’s input! And thanks to the OP for staring this thread!

[Izzy]

I've said on the depression thread that my daughter suffers from severe OCD and we've had to pay £4k for her to have intensive therapy with a top London therapist after previous attempts at CBT haven't worked.

 

Day 2 of 5 and the therapist has put a pause on proceedings as she feels there's deeper problems and my daughter actually has BPD (borderline personality disorder). 

 

In short, the therapist is suggesting she be put on anti depressants, anti anxiety and anti psychotic medication first, in order for the OCD treatment to start again and have a chance of working.

 

She needs to be referred to a Psychiatrist first and then potentially put on the meds. I agree with this approach but the wife is dead against it, so that'll be a fun discussion. 

 

Apparently we're in this for the long haul as I always suspected, and it may require a lifetime of management. 

 

I always sensed she had proper mental health issues but to now have it confirmed by a professional is quite sobering.

 

 

[VLC86]

3 minutes ago, Izzy said:

I've said on the depression thread that my daughter suffers from severe OCD and we've had to pay £4k for her to have intensive therapy with a top London therapist after previous attempts at CBT haven't worked.

 

Day 2 of 5 and the therapist has put a pause on proceedings as she feels there's deeper problems and my daughter actually has BPD (borderline personality disorder). 

 

In short, the therapist is suggesting she be put on anti depressants, anti anxiety and anti psychotic medication first, in order for the OCD treatment to start again and have a chance of working.

 

She needs to be referred to a Psychiatrist first and then potentially put on the meds. I agree with this approach but the wife is dead against it, so that'll be a fun discussion. 

 

Apparently we're in this for the long haul as I always suspected, and it may require a lifetime of management. 

 

I always sensed she had proper mental health issues but to now have it confirmed by a professional is quite sobering.

 

 

Sorry to hear that mate, sounds right to follow the professional advice but I understand that must be a difficult decision to make as a parent.

[Nod.E]

I read things like the themes raised in this thread around the stress brought on by offspring and I find myself wondering in awe, amazement and bewilderment that there are so many people on this planet. It sounds silly, but I can't get my head around the fact that so many people chose to become parents. That somehow it's 'the done thing'.

 

I hope this doesn't come across as insensitive, you're better people than I am. I'm too selfish to ever be a parent. I'd be utterly rubbish. I can't understand why more people don't see it the way I see it. I couldn't think of anything worse than having kids, for me. The time, the money, the worry. I'd feel like I lost my freedom. I recognise I'm a pretty selfish person but it does sit uncomfortably to know and accept that that probably makes me a 'bad' person against the average. I don't think people value selfish people, do they? But that's the way I am and I can't imagine not thinking that way.

 

Suppose we're all wired differently.

 

Again I'm really conscious this might come across in the wrong way. It isn't my intention. I completely sympathise, it must be awful. My post isn't about poking and prying people into why they chose to become parents, it's more about me trying to understand why I don't and what it is about me that is different to most people. I hope Para, Izzy and MPH all benefit from the best professionals and find peace and happiness. Clearly people have bigger problems than I'm having, and my struggle to understand the workings of the human mind (and indeed mine) pale into insignificance.

 

But yeah, I suppose I just worry all my mates will follow that path and the structure of life I'm choosing is less precedented. So there is uncertainty there, and uncertainty leads to worry with me. Suppose I just don't want to get lost. I'm in a very stable relationship and nothing indicates that that will change, but if that were to change in 10/20/30 years, what then? 

Edited 24 March 2021 by Nod.E

[MPH]

4 minutes ago, Nod.E said:

I read things like the stuff in this thread and I find myself wondering in awe, amazement and bewilderment that there are so many people on this planet. It sounds silly, but I can't get my head around the fact that so many people chose to become parents. That somehow it's 'the done thing'.

 

I hope this doesn't come across as insensitive, you're better people than I am. I'm too selfish to ever be a parent. I'd be utterly rubbish. I can't understand why more people don't see it the way I see it. I couldn't think of anything worse than having kids, for me. The time, the money, the worry. I'd feel like I lost my freedom. I recognise I'm a pretty selfish person but it does sit uncomfortably to know and accept that that probably makes me a 'bad' person against the average. I don't think people value selfish people, do they? But that's the way I am and I can't imagine not thinking that way.

 

Suppose we're all wired differently.

 

Again I'm really conscious this might come across in the wrong way. It isn't my intention. I completely sympathise, it must be awful. My post isn't about poking and prying people into why they chose to become parents, it's more about me trying to understand why I don't and what it is about me that is different to most people. I hope Para, Izzy and MPH all benefit from the best professionals and find peace and happiness. Clearly people have bigger problems than I'm having, and my struggle to understand the workings of the human mind (and indeed mine) pale in insignificance.

 

But yeah, I suppose I just worry all my mates will follow that path and the structure of life I'm choosing is less precedented. So there is uncertainty there, and uncertainty leads to worry with me. Suppose I just don't want to get lost. I'm in a very stable relationship and nothing indicates that that will change, but if that were to change in 10/20/30 years, what then? 

 I don’t see that as selfish at all. I see that as sensible. I’d much rather someone come to that conclusion than have kids, not want to be the parent and end up neglecting the child.

 

 

I have way more respect for you than I do a deadbeat parent.

[urban.spaceman]

2 hours ago, Izzy said:

I've said on the depression thread that my daughter suffers from severe OCD and we've had to pay £4k for her to have intensive therapy with a top London therapist after previous attempts at CBT haven't worked.

 

Day 2 of 5 and the therapist has put a pause on proceedings as she feels there's deeper problems and my daughter actually has BPD (borderline personality disorder). 

 

In short, the therapist is suggesting she be put on anti depressants, anti anxiety and anti psychotic medication first, in order for the OCD treatment to start again and have a chance of working.

 

She needs to be referred to a Psychiatrist first and then potentially put on the meds. I agree with this approach but the wife is dead against it, so that'll be a fun discussion. 

 

Apparently we're in this for the long haul as I always suspected, and it may require a lifetime of management. 

 

I always sensed she had proper mental health issues but to now have it confirmed by a professional is quite sobering.

My thoughts are with you mate, such an awful thing to watch your own flesh and blood go through. Glad that you’ve got the wheel in motion and are on the right path though. It really is the best way forward, I hope your wife will be able to accept that. 

[Stoopid]

When your children have problems, it can be tremendously stressful. 

Don't really want to go into it, but my son was born prematurely, and basically spent the first 2 years of his life in hospital. Multiple operations, life-threatening many of them, and health (including mental) problems for life. 

The relationship between his mother and me eventually foundered (common story), though we remain bonded by the experience.

Now it's nearly 30 years on. Life has found a kind of tattered equilibrium, and in some ways I'm at an uneasy peace with it all. 

Don't get me wrong, its been an absolutely horrific journey - some pretty grisly low points. Very few highs. 

The only thing I learned, I suppose, is that life was never going to be straightforward again. But once you've got your head round the fact that a 'normal' or 'happy' life wasn't really on the cards, things got easier to deal with. The truth of that trite phrase 'one day at a time' became more and more apparent. You need to absolutely live in the moment, to disregard the future more or less completely, to have any hope of sanity. At least that's my experience. 

And it's this living in the moment that allows the equilibrium I mentioned earlier - tattered as it may be - to exist.

In some terrible way having this kind of experience helps that. The absolute nature of it means that you can't really worry about anything else. The external world loses nearly all of its weight when you're dealing with something so fundamental. Quite simply, nothing else is worth bothering with, let alone worrying about. It simplifies life. And actually, I'm quite grateful for that. 

It also helps that the nature of my son's thinking tends to this outlook too. 

He is in an assisted-living flat now, and we spend a lot of time together. He's a big City fan and we listen to/watch the games together (he cant go to matches being unable to deal with crowds - ironically).

 The stuff we do, things we say etc exist in a kind of constant present moment, which I have to say is actually a pretty good place to be.

He's also very funny and has a weird almost surreal take on the world which I find vastly entertaining (much of our time is spent in dumb laughter).

30 years ago, I said goodbye to normality I suppose. And there have been many dark, even seemingly unsurmountable times since. But however black it seems - and believe me, I've been there - stay with it, try not to worry too much, forget about normal life - which, let's face it, doesn't really exist anyway - and hopefully you'll get through. 

[Parafox]

20 hours ago, Izzy said:

I've said on the depression thread that my daughter suffers from severe OCD and we've had to pay £4k for her to have intensive therapy with a top London therapist after previous attempts at CBT haven't worked.

 

Day 2 of 5 and the therapist has put a pause on proceedings as she feels there's deeper problems and my daughter actually has BPD (borderline personality disorder). 

 

In short, the therapist is suggesting she be put on anti depressants, anti anxiety and anti psychotic medication first, in order for the OCD treatment to start again and have a chance of working.

 

She needs to be referred to a Psychiatrist first and then potentially put on the meds. I agree with this approach but the wife is dead against it, so that'll be a fun discussion. 

 

Apparently we're in this for the long haul as I always suspected, and it may require a lifetime of management. 

 

I always sensed she had proper mental health issues but to now have it confirmed by a professional is quite sobering.

 

 

Sorry to hear this Izzy.

 

We have been through this process ourselves and it's stressful and upsetting but given what you've been dealing with so far it sort of gets soaked up in the whole encompassing reality of dealing with day to day life living with a child with MH problems.

We knew quite early on that "something wasn't right" with our (adopted) daughter but trying to get a proper analysis and assessment of her by an expert was impossible. We got palmed off with CAHMS nurses instead of the real children's Psych's. Her school refused to do a Statement of Special Educational Needs assessment and she got left by the wayside resulting in us having to manage her ourselves. 

As a result it very nearly wrecked all our lives. We took many difficult decisions to try to save us, her and her life. 

Many times we've had deal with situations 90% of parents never have to face. None of the professionals we encountered really understood the issues although I guess they did their best.

It wasn't until she reached adulthood and was sectioned as an adult 3 times that a proper Psych doctor got involved and did a full assessment over several months, that she was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, ADHD, Bi-Polar level 3, and issues as a result of childhood trauma as a result of physical and emotional neglect by her birth parents.

The intervention of the Psych doctor and a very good CPN, effectively changed her life. For the first time she got the proper, most appropriate meds and she now pretty much leads an independent life albeit with a lot of support from us.

We had a blip a few weeks ago when she OD'd but there's things been going on, including lockdown that has affected her. And there will be highs and lows throughout her life.

I guess what I'm trying to reassure you with is that, there is the long haul and it almost certainly will be a lifetime of commitment to her, I'm sorry to say, and we have had to accept that's the case for relationship. The acceptance does make things easier because your no longer fighting the things you believe should be normal, but aren't. Normal for you and us and others like us isn't the same normal for the majority of parents.

We manage it, we press on, we learn to accept the unacceptable behaviours and tell ourselves, it's an illness, we can cope as hard as it is, is not deliberate, it's not hate or rebellion. Our daughters are unwell.

Good luck mate. All the Best. 

Para.