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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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Webbo

Webbo

Posted
Posted (edited)

Mother to her son, "Your teacher has just rung to say you used the C word in class.That was clever wasn't it?!"

Son,"No it was cvnt"

Edited by Webbo
Facecloth

Facecloth

Posted
Posted

All the fish puns in the Hull thread reminded me of this joke

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted' , and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the cod again and he thought that perhaps he fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal.' Where's Christian?' he asked.' He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark' , came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.' Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. you're now a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back ' No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'

'I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian'

  • Like 3
shass

shass

Posted
Posted

Police arrested two lads on bonfire night, one for eating fireworks and the other for drinking battery acid.... They charged one and let the other off.

Phube

Phube

Posted
Posted

A guy i know is into flagellation,necrophilia & beastiality

Do you think he's flogging a dead horse ?

Reminds me of the Jimmy Carr joke:

If you were into necrophilia, paedophilia and beastiality...

Would you shag an omlette?

shass

shass

Posted
Posted

'Orrible comparisons.....

He?

She?

It?

...... Tastes like the inside of a Bombay Tram drivers glove....

.......Got a face like a Bulldog chewing a Wasp....

.......She got a Clit like a Blind Cobbler's Thumb....

Bob Weasel Fox

Bob Weasel Fox

Posted
Posted

A guy meets his ex-wifes new partner and in an attempt to piss him off asks . . . . . ."Hows the 2nd hand fanny your pumping?"

The new boyfriend smiles and replies "The first 3 inches is a bit slack but the rest is brand new"

The Year Of The Fox

The Year Of The Fox

Posted
Posted

A teacher informs the class they are doing famous quotations & asks who said 'Kiss me Hardy?'

Quick as a flash, a black kid puts his hand up & says 'Lord Nelson, Battle of Trafalgar, 1805.' A white kid shouts out 'You ****ing black c*nt!' 'Who said that?' asks the teacher. Quick as a flash the white kid says 'John Terry, Loftus Road, 2011'

shass

shass

Posted
Posted

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

The Doctor

The Doctor

Posted
Posted (edited)

I was in a nightclub queue when two blokes in front of me started arguing.

One guy pushed the other and said, "Four, nine."

The other man pushed him back and said, "Sixteen, twenty-five."

A bouncer reached for his walkie-talkie and said, "I need some help at the door. We've got a couple of men squaring up."

===================================

"One man's rubbish is another man's treasure," is an awesome phrase.

But it's a horrible way to tell your kid they're adopted

===================================

When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me.

After a while, my mum said, "Just use a ****ing spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi."

===================================

In a cave, I found pictures of women's breasts, but when I picked them up, a giant net fell on me.

Damn booby trap.

Edited by LargeAl

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