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Daggers

The joke thread

By Daggers, in General Chat

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The Doctor

The Doctor

Posted
Posted

I really dont get this chilean big brother.

Have they all won or something.

the chilean miner jokes did the rounds a little while ago. You would have had to been buried underground to be this late with the jokes.

Messi

Messi

Posted
Posted

- What's the difference between X Factor's Gamu Nhengu and a Zimbabwean prostitute.

Oh, I'd say about three weeks.

- So Cheryl Cole is being accused of being racist!

Just when you think she can't get any more perfect!

skinnydipper

skinnydipper

Posted
Posted

George Michael Diary

September 2010

Day 1 - Woke up and was forced to suck off another man.Went for a shower and got bummed by two blokes.Finished the night off with a few handjobs for some of the guys and one rough but handsome bloke gave me a BJ. Day 2 - Got found guilty and jailed for driving under the influence of drugs

Wycombe Fox

Wycombe Fox

Posted
Posted

A young bloke pulls an older woman at a night club.

She's 61 but looks very good for her age.

On the way back to her house the bloke is thinking "mmmm...I bet her daughter is hot" when out of the blue the woman asks if he'd like a Sportsman's Double.

"What's that?" he asks. "It's a mother and daughter threesome" she replies.

"WOW! Yes please!", so as they go through the front door, she puts the hall light on and shouts "MUM! Are you still awake?"

Wycombe Fox

Wycombe Fox

Posted
Posted

Paddy goes into Wetherspoons and asks a member of staff how much the cocktails are.

"Four pounds a glass or £10 for a pitcher" she replies.

Paddy says "Why would I want my photo taken with a ****ing drink?"

Wycombe Fox

Wycombe Fox

Posted
Posted

I was sitting in a bar last night and there was a bloke in there wearing a black top and black shorts.

He had a whistle in his mouth.

I thought to myself "this ****ers gonna kick-off in a minute"

Wycombe Fox

Wycombe Fox

Posted
Posted

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.

"Is this your wife sir?"

"Yes" I said.

"Well I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident"

"I know" I said "but she has a lovely personality"

B'dum tschhhh

cambridgefox

cambridgefox

Posted
Posted

Cheryl cole,Simon Cowell and Louis walsh are walking down the street,when Cheryl trips,falls forward and jams her head in some railings.

Simon,quick as a flash,pulls her knickers down,and bangs her senseless from behind.

Slapping her tight arse,he turns to Louis and says"your turn"

Louis starts crying.

"whats wrong?" says Simon.

Louis sobs"my head wont fit in the railings!"

Mee

Mee

Posted
Posted

Cheryl cole,Simon Cowell and Louis walsh are walking down the street,when Cheryl trips,falls forward and jams her head in some railings.

Simon,quick as a flash,pulls her knickers down,and bangs her senseless from behind.

Slapping her tight arse,he turns to Louis and says"your turn"

Louis starts crying.

"whats wrong?" says Simon.

Louis sobs"my head wont fit in the railings!"

:giggle:

Good one lol

Mark 'expert' Lawrenson

Mark 'expert' Lawrenson

Posted
Posted

Have these already been on here? I dunno so I will post em anyways.

The news report that garry Glitter has slept with an 85yr old has been confirmed as false, it was infact an Haiti five yr old.

I went upto a bird in a bar the other night and thinking I was dead smooth said "Is that a ladder in your stocking or is it a stairway to heaven?"

She immeadiately replied " Yeah it is a stairway to heaven, but there's already a **** up there, so fook off"

Went to a charity disco last week in aid of women born without legs, dancefloor was crawling with fanny.

coale39

coale39

Posted
Posted

Steven Write quotes:

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep well?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

I installed a skylight in my apartment yesterday. The people who live above me are furious.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

StanSP

StanSP

Posted
Posted

From a fable by Jean de Condé, paraphrased from Barbara Tuchman's, A Distant Mirror.

Queen: Sir, have you fathered any children?

Knight: No my lady, I have not.

Queen: Indeed, you do not have the look of a man who could please his mistress when he held her in his arms, for your beard is little more than the kind of fuzz that ladies have in certain places. I do not doubt your word, for it is easy to judge from the state of the hay whether the pitchfork is any good.

Knight: Lady, answer me without deceit, is there any hair between your legs?

Queen: None at all.

Knight: Indeed I do believe you, for grass does not grow on a well-beaten path.

The Doctor

The Doctor

Posted
Posted

This girl came up to me and said she recognised me from vegetarian club

I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.

There's no need for women to behave the way they do on their period.

It's an ovary action

boo. Get off the stage.

StanSP

StanSP

Posted
Posted

Staying on the stage ;).

For those who know their science...

I met this bird in a nightclub the other night and she promised me that

I could take her home and do what I wanted to her if I could name a

partially vitreous by-product of smelting ore to separate the metal

fraction from the unwanted fraction.

Slag.

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