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Daggers

The joke thread

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4 minutes ago, Tinman said:

Apparently it all kicked off, somebody threw a prawn cocktail in somebody's face and told him "Thats just for starters !!"

Its alright though, the guy who started it got hit in the face by a trifle and a sticky toffee pudding. Just desserts.

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A man goes to his doctor because his arms and legs have turned cold and blue.
After a series of blood tests the doctor calls him back him and says "I've got some bad news. You have a rare viral, vascular disease, this is a new strain and it's the first recorded case we're naming it Blue235, you're estimated to have less than 24 hours to live."
That night the man thinks "**** It" and goes to his local working men's club for a final session.
He drinks heavily but in the meantime wins every game of bingo including the monthy jackpot. Then he has a quid in both the fruit machines and takes the jackpot from both.
The barman notices this and approaches the man and says "Wow your very lucky tonight!"
The man answers, "Lucky!, Lucky! I have ****ing Blue235!"
The barman replies "Lucky **** you've only won the raffle aswell!!"

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Lady in the park whose pet Pekinese had just had a litter of pups approached a gentleman who was seated on a park bench.

"Excuse me" she said "but would you interested in having a little Peke"?.

"Madam", he replied "I am a gynaecologist and this is my lunch break".

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18 minutes ago, Wortho said:

I've made a ventriloquist dummy out of some old carpet.

It's ruggish.

 

On 18/02/2019 at 22:55, Izzy said:

I've made a ventriloquist dummy out of some old carpet.

 

It's ruggish.

I don't mind jokes being repeated, not everyone sees them first time around.

 

Relax @Izzy mate, nowt wrong with a bit of recycling.

 

:rolleyes:

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12 hours ago, Wortho said:

A man goes to his doctor because his arms and legs have turned cold and blue.
After a series of blood tests the doctor calls him back him and says "I've got some bad news. You have a rare viral, vascular disease, this is a new strain and it's the first recorded case we're naming it Blue235, you're estimated to have less than 24 hours to live."
That night the man thinks "**** It" and goes to his local working men's club for a final session.
He drinks heavily but in the meantime wins every game of bingo including the monthy jackpot. Then he has a quid in both the fruit machines and takes the jackpot from both.
The barman notices this and approaches the man and says "Wow your very lucky tonight!"
The man answers, "Lucky!, Lucky! I have ****ing Blue235!"
The barman replies "Lucky **** you've only won the raffle aswell!!"

Saw this in a video on Facebook recently, told superbly by Mike Reid (Runaround, Paaaaaaaatttt - not the DJ fella)

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A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.
The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.
They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'

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A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
'Are you the manager?' she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
'Actually, no,' he replies.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathes the barman, clearly aroused. 'Is there anything I can do?'
‘Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,' she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them. 'Tell him,' she says, 'that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies' toilet.'

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On 14/10/2018 at 10:06, woollett the bullet said:

I organised a surprise bukkake party for my wife yesterday ,

Everybody came . . . 

 

You should have seen her face !

 

On 03/09/2019 at 09:32, Wortho said:

I threw a surprise bukkake party for my wife.

Everyone came. You should have seen her face.

 

18 minutes ago, Wortho said:

It's the way you tell them :thumbup:

It's the way you keep telling them :whistle:

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A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

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An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.

Then one week he came in and ordered only two.
He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."

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1 hour ago, Wortho said:

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.

Then one week he came in and ordered only two.
He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."

Possibly your best one yet @Wortho :appl:

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1 minute ago, Wortho said:

At last someone who has a sense of humour :cheers:

I was watching Only Fools And Horses the other day and kept expecting my old mate @Izzy to pop up saying:
"Yeah that's an old joke, this episode of OF&H was first broadcast on BBC in 1983."

 

#FunPolice #OnlyJokingIzzy #OiAngus #TapTapGraph #SeeYouDownTheCrix #AnyhowAnyhow

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30 minutes ago, UpTheLeagueFox said:

Possibly your best one yet @Wortho :appl:

FFS don’t encourage him!

 

22 minutes ago, UpTheLeagueFox said:

I was watching Only Fools And Horses the other day and kept expecting my old mate @Izzy to pop up saying:
"Yeah that's an old joke, this episode of OF&H was first broadcast on BBC in 1983."

 

#FunPolice #OnlyJokingIzzy #OiAngus #TapTapGraph #SeeYouDownTheCrix #AnyhowAnyhow

Those hashtags lol

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A cowboy rides into town and hitches his horse to a post. He then lifts his horse’s tail and kisses its backside. An old-timer is watching and asks what’s going on. ‘It helps my chapped lips,’ replies the cowboy. ‘Y’ mean kissing a horse’s backside cures ’em?’ says the old timer. ‘It doesn’t cure them,’ replies the cowboy. ‘But it stops me from licking them.’

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