Our system detected that your browser is blocking advertisements on our site. Please help support FoxesTalk by disabling any kind of ad blocker while browsing this site. Thank you.
Jump to content
Daggers

The joke thread

Recommended Posts

Theatre Seats.

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. 
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old dishevelled man, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer. 

With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "The balcony."

  • Like 2
  • Haha 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A nun gets into a cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

Finally, the cabbie says, "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

"My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy about a nun performing oral sex on me."

"Well, first, you have to be single, and then you must also be Catholic."

The cab driver says, "Yes, I am single, and I'm Catholic, too!"

The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does, and the nun fulfills his fantasy.

When they get back on the road, the cab driver starts weeping.

"My dear child, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me, sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess -- I'm married and I'm Jewish."

"That's OK," says the nun. "My name is Stevie, and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

  • Haha 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. 
During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .. 
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 
'Sure.' 
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 
'No, I can remember it.' 
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' 
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down, she says.'
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' 
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. 
'Where's my toast?'

  • Haha 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. 
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A man wakes up in a hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and the paramedics couldn't find it.” 

The man groans, but the doctor goes on… "You do have £9,000 in insurance compensation coming though, and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly £1,000 an inch. The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit uncomfortable. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed." 

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?” "Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?” "Yes," says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor. "We're getting a new kitchen''

  • Like 1
  • Haha 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 minutes ago, jumbo747 said:

A man wakes up in a hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and the paramedics couldn't find it.” 

The man groans, but the doctor goes on… "You do have £9,000 in insurance compensation coming though, and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly £1,000 an inch. The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit uncomfortable. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed." 

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?” "Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?” "Yes," says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor. "We're getting a new kitchen''

Cue Izzy post.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

12 hours ago, Izzy said:

I’m not even gonna mention that Wortho posted the exact same joke a few months ago yet still repped it with a lol today :rolleyes:

 

12 hours ago, jumbo747 said:

Then my apologies - saw it somewhere else and laughed my teeth out.

FYI @jumbo747, the guv'nor of this thread is @Izzy

What he says goes.

He used to run the class when we were at school together.

Probably the funniest fella at Lutterworth.

Bloody great bloke.

 

(Hates repeated jokes though ha)

  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 hours ago, UpTheLeagueFox said:

 

FYI @jumbo747, the guv'nor of this thread is @Izzy

What he says goes.

He used to run the class when we were at school together.

Probably the funniest fella at Lutterworth.

Bloody great bloke.

 

(Hates repeated jokes though ha)

Thanks for the heads up Foxy. I have seen his name in this thread a couple of times (Ed: eh ?).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 15/09/2019 at 11:47, Izzy said:

I’m not even gonna mention that Wortho posted the exact same joke a few months ago yet still repped it with a lol today :rolleyes:

And you thought I didn't know that I posted it previously. I knew I had repped because it was a quality joke. Is that ok with you :D

 

There are 4 easy steps.......

  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before on why you were speeding, I'll let you go."

The old man replied - "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back."!

  • Like 1
  • Haha 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. 

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh. 

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote!"

  • Like 2
  • Haha 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...